I Have So Much Anxiety About My Marital Separation
Most people have at least some anxiety about unpleasant events that they know are coming but haven’t yet happened. A martial separation can fall into this category – especially when you didn’t want the separation to begin with. It’s very easy to fear the worst, (which for many people, is a divorce.) It’s also easy to assume that you are going to be lonely, depressed, and riddled with endless anxiety and dread.
Someone might say, “I am a worrier anyway. But with my husband just moving out, I am constantly experiencing anxiety. My husband insists that this is just a short break, but I find myself playing the ‘what if’ game and asking myself what if I’m divorced? What if I have to grow old alone? What if my husband meets someone else? What if this really hurts my children? When I try to share these worries with my husband, I can tell that he gets frustrated with me. I’m not sleeping well. I’ve been short-tempered with my kids. My anxiety is in overdrive and I know that I need to take hold of it, but I can’t seem to. How do I handle all of this anxiety?”
To Avoid Endlessly Ruminating Over The Anxiety, Get Proactive And Get Moving: I can relate to this topic. I had tons of anxiety during my own separation and I, too, am a worrier in my normal, everyday life. The separation greatly turned up the volume of my anxiety. Of course, I’m sure you already know that anxiety can just make the situation worse. As you’ve already seen from your husband, men who want breaks generally do not want to be confronted with how this break has negatively affected others. That is why I’d recommend finding another source of support to address the anxiety. I can also tell you some things that eventually helped me. When I felt the anxiety, I would try very hard to busy myself with other things. The reason is that if you sit with the anxiety, it just endlessly churns. You are more likely to continue to ruminate. And the anxiety can increase in its intensity until it becomes panic.
Getting yourself up and moving can provide a release. I learned to keep myself as busy as I possibly could. I met with friends. I volunteered. I took classes and pursued hobbies. I did anything to get out of the house so that I would not ruminate about the worst case scenario. I’d love to tell you that I started this practice on day one of my separation, but this just isn’t true. It took a while of my wallowing in my own unhappiness and worry until I realized how unhealthy it was for me (and for my marriage.) So I initially had to force myself to get out more. But once I did, I saw what a relief it was and I just kept going. I came to the realization that I could only control myself. I could not see into the future. I could only try to become the healthiest version of myself so that I could handle and embrace whatever the future held. If this sounds like I surrendered somewhat, that’s a fair assessment. But make no mistake. I never stopped wanting my husband and my marriage. But I took stock of my life and I realized that I was healthy, productive, and still had a lot to give to others. There was still much to be thankful for (and to embrace) even if my marriage wasn’t where I wanted it to be. Luckily, nothing said I couldn’t work on my marriage while trying to embrace my new life. When I couldn’t be busy, I tried to be positive in quiet ways, like reading to better myself or making crafts for others.
Be Willing To Admit When You Need Perspective Or Help: So that is what helped me, but I do need to mention that sometimes anxiety can become debilitating during a separation. There is a condition called “divorce stress syndrome” which can be pretty severe. I suspect that this condition is applicable to separations also, since so many of us who go through separations are very afraid of a divorce. A separation can feel like a huge loss and can be a traumatic event in your life. Please acknowledge that and ask for help if you need it. There are counselors and experts who can support you as you go through this. Don’t assume that your worry or anxiety are silly. They are not. This is a serious life adjustment and it’s normal to feel off kilter and lost. Try surrounding yourself with people who love you and focus on the things that bring you some relief. (For me, that was often being with (and helping) others, even when I felt like being alone.) If none of this works, then please seek out someone to talk to. Give yourself permission to do whatever is needed. If you are working with a counselor on your marriage, that same counselor can usually help with the anxiety. I suffered a lot in the beginning of my separation, but once I prioritized my own self care and well-being, things got better. And ironically, things got better with my marriage also.
You are welcome to read about how I finally found my footing and saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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