Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are grateful that their spouse has stuck with them during difficult times. They realize that they should count their blessings as far as their marriage is concerned. But many are concerned that at some time in the near future, their luck is going to run out. Because they have a hard time understanding the logic behind their spouse’s decision to always stand behind them regardless of what is happening in their lives.

A good example is the wife who says: “I don’t want to sound as if I am complaining because I am not. I have been married for about five years but I dated my husband for a couple of years before that. I will admit right off that my life is a mess. I come from a very dysfunctional family and there is always a lot of drama surrounding this. There is never quiet times for us. It is always chaos. On top of this, I have an addictive personality. I struggle with addictions to shopping, food, and bad habits. My spending has put us in debt and my husband always has to deal with one crisis after another with me. Lately, he has been more and more frustrated with me and somewhere deep down, I feel as if he might leave me one day. And I would not blame him. Because I don’t know why he stays with me. Sometimes, I think his life would be much simpler without me in it. Sometimes, I think that it is only the fear of the unknown that keeps him by my side. And often times, I feel that if he got a better offer or if someone else came along, he would be gone.”

I could understand this wife’s thinking. I think that we have all had bad days, weeks, or months in our marriage where we worry that our spouse might think that his life would be better if we were not in it. But when this goes on for quite a long time, it can become all that you are thinking about and you can find yourself walking around all of the time with a sense of dread and fear. That’s not good for you. And it’s also not good for your marriage. So, I would suggest a change in thinking, which I will outline below.

Understand That Your Spouse Is Still There Because He Wants To Be: I hear from a lot of spouses who tell me that they don’t know why their spouse is still with them, why he has stuck with them, or what keeps him from leaving. Although I concede that every situation is unique and there are often multifaceted reasons that people leave or stay in their marriage,s I believe the bottom line is that people stay because they want to.

If they weren’t getting some payoff, some fulfillment, or something valuable to them in terms of the marriage, then there wouldn’t be incentive to stay. I think it’s a mistake to assume that your spouse stays with you only out of the kindness of his heart or because he has no other options. He’s an adult. If he were truly getting nothing out of this, he likely would not stay.

Look At What You Can Immediately Change: That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have concern or that you can not change this. I realize that your dysfunctional family is not your fault. You can not chose your family. But, you can chose how you respond to them. It may be that you have to distance yourself for a while or learn not to engage when the dysfunction is at its worst. You don’t have to buy into the drama. You can support your family while not getting sucked into the negative aspects of it.

As far as your addictions, overcoming them isn’t an easy process but it certainly is not impossible. People address and overcome their addictions every day. People improve their lives every day. Identifying and wanting to change the problem is the first step. And you have powerful motivation. You have a loyal, wonderful husband who you feel deserves better. Well, as luck would have it, you have the ability to ensure that he gets better.

You already see what needs to be done because you have identified the problems in very distinct detail. Now, the next step would be to really address it. Counseling can really help with this, and I would highly recommend it, but I have seen very determined people do this on their own by taking one issue at a time and not stopping until they have seen real change.  They always ask their spouses to give them feedback as to what is working and what is not.

The bottom line is that the real best course of action right now is to not to continue to endlessly question why your husband is still with you. Instead, I would consider setting it up so that you no longer give yourself reasons to ask this question. Become the wife that your husband would be honored to be with. Give him the partner you know he deserves. Take the energy that you spend worrying about this and feeling pain because of it and invest that on making real change.

I speak from experience when I tell you that it is a mistake to assume that your husband will always be there.  My husband eventually got tired of my drama and we separated.  Eventually, I got my act together and we reconciled.  But I could have saved all of us so much turmoil by taking inventory in the beginning.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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