Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some readily admit that the sad state of their marriage is mostly their fault.  They know that their choices have really messed things up with their husband and most are willing to try to do whatever is necessary to fix what has been broken.  However, some aren’t sure if this is going to be enough.

Here’s an example: “I have messed things up big time in my marriage.  It all started pretty innocently.  I didn’t have any awful intentions. I started corresponding with an old boyfriend on Facebook.  One thing lead to another and soon we were writing and texting all the time.  We never met in person.  Mostly, it was just harmless flirting to boost my ego and sometimes we would complain about our spouses.  But I swear I never intended to take it to the next level.  Well, my husband got suspicious and read some of the emails and texts.  He was so furious that yesterday he had me served with divorce papers and he moved out of our home. He won’t accept my calls or return my texts.  At this point, he appears that he just plans to erase me from his life.  I know that I deserve his anger.  But honestly, before I ever logged onto Facebook, our marriage was a good one.  I can’t believe that he would be willing to throw this away over a little harmless flirtation.  But he won’t allow me to communicate this to him.  Is there any hope at all for our marriage?  Or do I just have to allow him to divorce me?”

There was no way for me to know what this husband would ultimately decide.  But I do know what sometimes works in situations such as these and I will share some of these insights with you in the following article.

If He Refuses To Communicate With You, Give Him A Way To Reach Out When He Is Ready, And Tone Down Your Attempts:  I know that you can feel almost desperate to hear his voice or to talk to him.  But you have to know that he is getting your emails and texts.  But, for right now, he is not answering them either because he is still angry or because he needs some time.  It usually doesn’t do a lot of good to continue to bombard him with the same desperate message over and over again.   Over time, it can just make him more angry or frustrated. I often suggest one last message telling him that you are going to respect his need for time and that he knows how to communicate with you when you are ready.  You also need to take full responsibility for that correspondence and tell him what you are willing to do to make things right again, which leads me to my next point.

It’s Best To Take Full Responsibility For Your Actions.  Don’t Make Excuses:  The wife knew that this was all her fault.  However, she stressed repeatedly that her intentions were innocent in the beginning.  And frankly, she was expressing this whole “it started out innocently idea” every chance that she got.  Although some of her points were valid, it was highly unlikely that her excuses were going to be what her husband wanted to hear.  Instead, he very likely wanted to know that she took full responsibility for her actions.  Think about this way.   How would you feel if you read texts from your husband to his old girlfriend, even if he insisted it started out innocently?  What would you want to hear from him in this scenario?  You’d likely want to hear that he’s beyond sorry and that, because how realizes how hurtful and damaging his actions were, he will never repeat this behavior.  Your best bet is to make it perfectly clear that this is all your fault and that, if given the chance, you will never make the same mistake and you will take full responsibility for making this right again.

Offer Up A Plan: Another thing you’re going to want to do in that correspondence is to stress that you are willing to have a workable plan.  Whether that is going to counseling, giving your husband time, or proving that you can be trusted once again, you need to make it very clear that you are fully aware that this responsibility falls on your shoulders.  You want for him to know that all he has to do is give you one chance, and you are going to fix this so that he never has to worry about this issue again.

A suggested script might be something like: “I know that I have messed up and that this is all my fault.  It’s clear that you want some time and I am willing to give it to you.  I will wait for you to contact me when you are ready.  I take full responsibility for my actions even though at the time, I didn’t think what I was doing was going to cost me our marriage.  I want you to know that you and our marriage are the most precious things in my life.  I will do whatever is necessary to make this right.  I’ve deleted him from my friend list and quite frankly, I have not logged onto Facebook since and I don’t plan to do so anytime soon.   I don’t have any intention to do anything that would jeopardize your faith in me and our marriage.  Please know that I love you and that, when you are ready, I am willing to do what is needed to save our marriage and to restore your trust.”

So, Is There Still Hope For A Marriage In This Kind Of Trouble:  In some cases, there is.  Often, the injured spouse will eventually calm down and realize that you are sincere, especially if this is the first time that you have made this type of mistake.   You can help your cause by being completely truthful and sincere and respecting their need for space.  Don’t be pushy. Don’t make excuses.  And make it clear that your main concern is the well being of your husband and your marriage.

I made some mistakes with my husband and this almost cost me my marriage. I had a lot of making up to do and there were times when I made excuses or tried to rush my husband.  This seriously backfired.  It wasn’t until I respected my husband’s right to make his own choices and backed off a little bit that I began to gain some ground.  If it helps, you can read about how I got my husband to call off the divorce on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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