Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are faced with a situation where they can feel their husbands pulling away. Sometimes, he even discloses that he’s thinking about a separation or divorce. Understandably, many wives in this situation immediately want to pull their husbands closer in response. But they often find that this strategy just doesn’t work. He may push when you pull. He may start to avoid you so you don’t have to do this awkward dance anymore. As a result, you’re often left with what appears to be the only option – to give him the space that will either confirm he wants out or will hopefully change his mind about staying.  

It makes sense that a wife would hope that space would work to her benefit. Isn’t there a chance that he’ll find that he doesn’t really want a divorce after all? Of course there is. But there’s also a chance that this strategy will only reinforce his behavior.

A wife might say, “Honestly, the last thing that I wanted was to let my husband move out. But it got to where it was the only option I had left. He told me he was going to file for divorce, and I begged him to not act hastily since this is such a serious, lasting decision. He said he’d already thought about it, but I finally convinced him to take some temporary space to think about it. I hated having to do this, but I figured it was the better option than a sure divorce. And I guess that, over time, I hoped that he would realize that he really doesn’t want a divorce. But he seems very blissful with our current situation. And this knowledge doesn’t come from him sharing anything with me because he doesn’t share a thing. I have to pull small details from him. And I have to get information from mutual friends and family members. We never fight. He’s not angry with me. He just seems to not want to be married to me anymore. I thought that my plan might give our marriage a lifeline. But instead, I actually think it made things worse. What now? Because I can’t reverse this. Now that he has a taste of freedom, he’s not going to willingly move back in and go back to the way things were.”

This wife had sort of answered her own question. I know from my own experience that a husband isn’t very likely to give up his freedom and go back to the way things were when nothing has changed. But there’s the rub. If you can provide the changes that you both need, then he may eventually not only come back, but he may do so very enthusiastically and willingly. However, here are some things to keep in mind while you’re attempting to move toward a better place.

Don’t Try To Abruptly Take Away The Space. But Change How You’re Presenting Yourself And Your Situation: I completely understand why you may think that this space experiment was disastrous. You may believe that all you did was offer him the mechanism to be rid of you on a silver platter. In fact, you may believe that he realizes that his happiness is tied to being without you. 

I had the same worries. But sometimes it’s too soon to make that call. There are times when you don’t have much of a choice but to let this play out and wait for better days, while shifting the circumstances to your advantage. After all, how receptive is he going to be if you try to make him change his mind right now? Probably not very receptive. But worse, if you push, you might lose the scarce access that you have to him. 

Unfortunately, most of the time, you have to continue with the space until he’s obviously ready to give willingly give it up.

But that doesn’t mean you have to continue in the way that you already are. If your husband perceives that you are moping around and waiting on him, change that dynamic. Start living and trying to enjoy your life. Not only does this take a little pressure off of him, but it will sometimes make him turn his head toward you.

Don’t Rely On Him To Tell You What Needs To Change: I hope that I’ve convinced you that one of the keys to getting your marriage back is taking the initiative and changing the issues that are pulling you apart. You’ll often have a hard time luring your husband back without this happening.

Many wives in this situation get frustrated because their husband isn’t honest or forthcoming about what it would take to make him happy again. Honestly, he may not be saying because he may not even know what would make him happy. It’s possible that the marriage isn’t even the sole cause of his unhappiness.

That’s why you don’t necessarily need him to give you a blueprint. When I was separated, I liked to pretend that I didn’t always know why my husband wasn’t invested anymore. But if I’m honest, I did know, at least partially, and at least deep down in my heart. I certainly knew enough to take the initiative to make some improvements on my own. And I could have done this right away, but instead, I waited and wasted precious time.

If you’re blocked about what you could do to address your most pressing issues, ask yourself what you’d say if someone made you guess. What about if someone offered you a large sum of money to name your husband’s biggest hesitations with your marriage? Could you come up with something then?

Most often, it at least partially comes down to intimacy and commitment. You’ve got to address the intimacy before the commitment follows.

Keep Your Discouragement In Check. Things Can And Do Change: I know that what you’re going through right now feels terrible. I’ve been there. And I was sure that I’d messed everything up and would end up divorced. But I didn’t. Despite my numerous mistakes, I was eventually able to regroup, try something else, and succeed in saving my marriage.  (That entire story is here: https://isavedmymarriage.com) I know that it feels like you’ve made a disastrous mistake. But you’re not divorced yet. So there’s still time.  

In the early stages of “space,” it’s normal for a husband to appear to be relieved or even happy. But sometimes the novelty wears off. Or the wife tries new strategies and can make some headway. Today isn’t fun. But tomorrow can be different. Don’t accept that this will always be your reality. It doesn’t always have to be.  

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin