Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from separated folks who really do want to save their marriage but who are afraid to get their hopes up. They are often fully aware of the obstacles that they face. And, they find these obstacles to be somewhat overwhelming. Many people will look at their problems and compare them to other marriages. And they will sometimes feel that their’s falls way short. With their flawed logic, they will tell themselves that there are too many problems or too little cooperation in order to see real progress. After several minutes of this kind of discouraging self talk, they will come to the conclusion that because of these difficult circumstances, a reconciliation probably isn’t in their future, even though they very much want it to be.

I might hear someone explain it this way. “I know that my words may make it sound like I don’t want to save my marriage, but I truly do. My husband left me a few months ago. He told me at that time that if we were able to work on some of our issues during our separation, then perhaps we could eventually reconcile. So the other day, I was very lonely and I decided that I would list our problems so that I could check off what we have begun working on. When I made out the list, I was very depressed because it made me realize that we have countless issues. There are anger issues. There are trust issues. There are money issues and parenting issues. There are even personality issues. Frankly, we are very different people who just do not get along. Therefore we fight and then we can’t even stand to look at one another. All of this conflict means that there is very little intimacy between us. Thinking about it this way makes me think that a reconciliation is never going to happen for us. To put it plainly, there are just too many things for us to overcome. Am I just being too pessimistic? Or am I right?”

It’s hard for me to answer questions like this without knowing more about this couple. But you do get a general sense of pessimism and frustration from this description. I can identify with this on a deep level because I felt the same way when I was separated. My husband was very obviously avoiding me and even my friends who loved me deeply were gently telling me that it might be time to accept that it was over. So I do understand feeling as if the odds are just against your marriage. I completely get that. And yet, here I am married today. And I have had many people contact me on my blog and recount the same sort of painful separation that eventually turned around and ended with a reconciliation. Of course, this doesn’t always happen. But it’s not rare when it does.

One thing that all of these reconciliations have in common is that one of the spouses decided not to give up, or at least to just give it a little more time. I know that it can seem overwhelming to commit to the long haul when there has been nothing encouraging happening lately. Sometimes, it helps to just commit to a small amount of time. Tell yourself that you will just stay the course for two more weeks and then you will reevaluate at that time.

See If Your Problems Have A Unifying Theme: Often, your can lump your small issues into larger categories. I’m certainly not a therapist or marriage counselor, but looking at the list above, it appeared that this couple had issues with power and control. There wasn’t a clear division of responsibilities or decision making. And that was creating conflict, which the couple had difficulty navigating. And of course this kind of conflict is going to eat away at your intimacy level.

The point is, it may seem to you like there are a huge amount of problems. But really, many of the smaller problems would be solved or lessened if you worked on the larger problem of control and division of responsibilities and decisions. Once you both agreed on who would handle what and which things would be handled together, you are likely to see the money and the parenting issues begin to subside, which would help with the anger and the trust.

I don’t mean to over simplify the process because saving your marriage or at least putting your marriage on the path toward reconciliation is a lot of determined work. But, sometimes problems seem insurmountable when they truly are not, because they are all connected to one larger problem that can be worked through.

Resist Trying To Fix Everything At Once: A very common mistake that I see is couples thinking that they need to solve every problem immediately. Not only is this overwhelming, but when it doesn’t work, people assume that their marriage is one that just can’t be saved. Don’t set yourself up for failure. There may times where you have to break this down to its most basic level.

Depending on how bad things are, you may just have to focus on interacting in a more positive way. Then, when you have mastered that, you want to restore a sense of playfulness and an ease around each other. Once this happens, your problems are easier to work through because the anger has started to fade and people are no longer keeping score or holding back because of the resentment.

But sometimes, this process has to happen in steps as the relationship is able to withstand it. But to answer the original concern, I would suggest at least trying to this more gradual strategy before you just accept that you’ll never reconcile. I’ve seen very bad marriages between very angry spouses turn around. It happens plenty of the time.

And it happened with me.  If you would have told me during the worst part of my separation that I would be happily married today, I never would have believed you.  You are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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