Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some husbands who ask you for a separation figure the less you know, the better. These husbands will purposely be vague with their information. Sometimes, they do this because they are trying to keep from hurting you. Sometimes, they truly aren’t clear on their plans or on their reasoning. So they can not tell you what they don’t know. Some wives assume that this lack of information means something sinister or underhanded, or that it is something that they need to worry about.

For example, one might say: “my husband isn’t really giving me much information about his need for a separation or even how the separation is going to work. All that he will say is that he feels like he wants a break from our marriage. He will only say that he is not going to seek a divorce right away and that he thinks that we should just handle the issues as they come. He will tell me that he is looking for an apartment, but he won’t say where. The thing is, my husband is not usually so secretive. He’s typically a pretty open guy. That’s why I feel like he’s not telling me everything. I have tried to ask him about this, but he gets frustrated and insists that there is nothing really to tell. He swears that there is no one else and that there isn’t really any master or sinister plan – other than he just wants to take a break. I wish that I could believe him. My husband is typically not someone who withholds the truth. He’s usually pretty straightforward. Which is why all of this is a little weird. Is it possible that he is not telling me the whole truth or the whole story? Why else would he act this way?”

Anything is possible. And I’m certainly not going to try to tell you that men never lie to their wives when they seek a separation. I can’t say that some men who do this aren’t having affairs, haven’t already seen a divorce attorney, and haven’t already made long-range plans. There are certainly some men who have.

But, there are also men who have not. You indicated that your husband was usually truthful and straight forward. So you have to ask yourself if your suspicions just stem from the understandable fear and confusion that you feel right now. Or whether you have seen any concrete evidence which would tell you that you are right.

Because honestly, I had these same suspicions with my own husband. He kept most information to himself when we separated. It turns out that there was no other woman or no master plan. Looking back now, I think he kept information to himself in an attempt to keep me from making more a pest of myself than I already was. At that time, I was so scared and paranoid that if you had given me one crumb of information, I was going to run with it. I was going to assume the very worst. If my husband had told me that he was going out with friends, I was going to assume that he was trolling bars for other women, even though this was certainly not true.

At that time, my inclination was always to think the of the most horrible scenario that I could possibly imagine. So I think that he was trying to protect me or to tone down my pessimistic thinking by keeping things close to the vest. (Incidentally, I actually think that this sometimes makes it worse. Because if people don’t give you a true version of reality, then sometimes, you end up making up your own version – which can be a version far worse than reality.)

Sometimes, what you are seeing is a combination of your husband trying to protect you and also the fact that he truly isn’t sure what he’s doing. He may well be just trying to take things as they come. Honestly, this process can be just as overwhelming for the husbands who are seeking the break. It can be too much to think deeply about the details – so they truly are flying by the seat of their pants. They aren’t telling you details because they themselves don’t really have any details.

I know that this doesn’t necessarily make you feel better. I have been there. I know that this is very difficult. But, time does have a way of showing you the truth. If there is something that he isn’t telling you, then you will find out soon enough. But being suspicious or pushing will often just make him pull further away from you. I know this from experience.

I would suggest just casually trying to glean information from your conversations and interactions. He shouldn’t feel like you are grilling him, but when you can work a natural question into the conversation, go ahead and do so. His response will tell you how much further you can go. I know that you deserve more information. And if he has it, there is nothing wrong with asking as you are able to. But sometimes, he truly does not have the information to give you because he doesn’t know himself.

I know that this is difficult to process.  But digging for information that just isn’t there can sometimes backfire and cause more distance during the separation.  I learned this the hard way and had a lot of ground to make up as a result.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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