Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are first dating your spouse, your differences are sometimes seen as assets.  In the beginning, you will often see the fact that you are not the same as a positive thing because the differences can make your life feel enhanced.

But after you have been married for a little while, the differences can cause a bit of conflict and you can start to worry if they are going to be your marriage’s undoing. Those little opposing forces that were so cute in the beginning now drive you a little crazy and you wonder what this is going to do to your marriage in the long term – especially as you watch those differences widen and become more noticeable.

A wife might explain: “when we were dating, people used to laugh at how mismatched we were as a couple. My husband is extremely ambitious and I am not. Material things are not at all important to me. Making a difference is. I could care less about finances or politics. I only like to enjoy the beauty in the world, not the drama or the climbing of the corporate ladder. I am drawn to art and causes that are important to me. My husband could care less about things that are not tangible. I used to like this about him. But lately, I see him as a bit cold and calculating. I worry about what this might mean when we have kids. I don’t want to raise them as valuing success and material things. When I’m at retirement age, I’d like to sell the house and travel in an RV or something. My husband would never do this. And I am starting to think that we aren’t compatible. I worry about this. How could I have married someone so completely different than me?”

We are often attracted to people who are different. It adds spice to our lives and very often, it eases our lives in some way – even if we do not realize it. The situation that you describe feels quite familiar to me because my husband is the rational one in our marriage and I am the dreamer. This wasn’t always easy. Early in our marriage, I was extremely annoyed by my husband’s financial rigidness. I often felt that he would never let me buy anything. And he probably felt like I was very undisciplined when it came to finances. Today, however, I am very grateful that my husband was so stringent early on.  We often have these realizations only later, which was definitely the case with me.

The recent economy issues have meant that some of our friends who more frivolous with money (the same ones that I used to be envious of) have lost valuable assets or had to file for bankruptcy. Now that I am older, I realize that this is one way my husband attempts to show me that he cares. It isn’t always fun for me. But keeping me accountable about spending is his way of making sure our future is secure. I clearly see the value in this today, even though I couldn’t always say this. Likewise, my husband’s focus on earning money has meant that this is something that I, who could care less about money, could turn my attention away from. It’s a nice balance.

And my husband often comments that he appreciates coming home to an entirely different environment than his office. Yes, it is all about business during the work day, but he comes home to something very different and he appreciates that – at least most of the time.

Now, I do know some couples who are extremely similar. They had the same upbringing and have the same world view. They finish each other’s sentences and their marriage works quite well. The point is, there is not one type of marriage that works for every one. Some couples thrive in a marriage of two very similar people.

And some marriages thrive in the presence of two difference people. Yes, having different outlooks can create challenges, but many couples make it work. The key is learning to compromise, to be honest, and to focus on what brings you together and unites you rather than what divides you.

Sure, my husband and I differ in many of our preferences.  But we have cultivated a life where we value those things we can share. We both adore our families and our dogs. We love hitting flea markets on weekends (although we shop for very different things.)  If you look, you can usually find plenty that brings you together.

I think this is most likely to become a problem when you have a situation where differences are being criticized and not respected. When one spouse belittles or lies blame with these differences, then that is a different situation. You don’t want to label your spouse with negative descriptions simply because they are different from yours.

That’s not the case here, but I would like to offer one final insight.  I often find that when my husband’s differences bug me the most is when I am the most disconnected from him.  It is usually due to a stressful time in our lives where we haven’t carved out the time to connect.  Frankly, when my husband and I are taking the time and deeply connecting, I think that most everything he does is adorable.  But when we aren’t connecting, every tiny thing can annoy me.  Perhaps you could look at your marriage and ask yourself if you’re connecting? If not, make the time and you might find that the differences are no longer that central of an issue.

As I alluded to before, my husband and I had a time when we were separated.  This was an awful time and it changed my perspective.  I no longer look for our differences, but at what we can share together.  No, he is not at all like me.  But that doesn’t make him, or our marriage, wrong.   We try to focus on making it work for us.  And you do have to work to make the time for that.  It is an effort. But it is worth it.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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