Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from people who want to know if it is even a remote possibility that a trial separation might improve the marriage which they firmly believe is hopeless. Often, they truly don’t believe that anything is going to help their marriage. But, much of the time, their spouse doesn’t agree.

Common concerns are things like: “I haven’t been invested in my marriage for years. Honestly, I think that this relationship is hopeless because I have outgrown it. My husband and I are two very different people. When we first got married, I was a very young, naive student who believed that love was enough. Today, I am no longer young and naive and I have a career that is very important to me. My husband is not very career minded so we always clash in that regard. We never really talk anymore and we don’t really enjoy spending time together. Honestly, I avoid my husband and go out with my colleagues as much as possible. And I have told my husband as much. In fact, the other day, I told my husband that I believe our marriage is hopeless. In response, my husband begged me to try a trial separation in order to see if this might improve things or give us a new perspective. I believe that this is a waste of time. This isn’t going to change my mind. It’s not like we are fighting and one of us needs to calm down. Instead, we’re just not compatible anymore. Is it worth it to try a trial separation?”

This was not a decision that I could make for this wife. Only she and her husband could determine the course of their marriage. But, I could try to give her a little perspective that might help her make up her own mind. I will share that below.

The Trial Separation Can Lead To New And Fresh Perspectives That Aren’t Possible When You Are In Constant Contact With Your Spouse: It’s almost impossible for me to look at this from the perspective of the unhappy spouse who wants to end the marriage. In my own situation, I was the spouse who was desperately fighting for my marriage while my husband wasn’t so sure that our marriage was worth saving. We did separate for a while and I can share what that separation did for us. I can not tell you that the separation was fun. In fact, not only did I not want the separation, but I was very resistant to it.  However, I have to admit that it did offer us a perspective that we couldn’t have obtained while seeing each other for hours every day.

It did make me realize that in some ways, I very much took my spouse for granted and I just assumed that he would always be there even though in some ways, I was doing the bare minimum in terms of my marriage. It made me see that we really had to get serious about making our marriage a priority if our marriage was at all important to us. And the absence of my husband made me realize that I absolutely did not want to spend my life without him.

For my husband’s part, I think he saw that some of the issues that he thought he felt passionately about didn’t seem as important anymore. I can’t say that these realizations are going to happen in every instance. Every marriage, and every separation, is different. But my thinking on this is, what do you really have to lose? And this leads me to my next point.

Consider That The Separation Might Allow You The Knowledge That You Tried Rehabilitation Before You Walked Away: I understood that this wife felt that she was no longer invested in her marriage. Many people feel this way. But consider that your marriage is probably one of the most important relationships that you might ever have in your life. Yes, marriages do end, but doesn’t it make sense to try to make sure that, if yours does, you know that you did everything in your power to give it a fair chance? Especially since not doing so might affect your future relationships? A separation can be a decent way to try something new in order to obtain a fresh perspective before you walk away. It’s relatively easy and can be inexpensive. And it doesn’t need to take an extensive or prohibitive amount of time. I would say that it’s a small price to pay for the peace of mind of knowing that you were willing to try something that might end up making a very big difference.

My opinion on this is that the worst case scenario is that you will still feel that your marriage is over. If so, what have you really lost, except for a little bit of time? I realize that this is only my biased opinion, but I believe that a trial separation can be a decent alternative to just abruptly getting a divorce without taking a little more time to really think about this and to see if perhaps you might change your mind or have a different perspective if only you pause a little bit and see how it feels to you to temporarily separate from your spouse.

As I alluded to, I never want my separation.  But my husband really gave me no choice other than a divorce.  So, the separation seems like the best of two horrible options.  And although I wish the separation had never happened, I do have to concede that it allowed us perspective that we would not have otherwise had.  And this perspective contributed to our saving our marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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