I Feel Like My Husband Only Came Back To Me Out Of Guilt. What Now?
By: Leslie Cane: I get correspondence from wives who are trying to get their husbands to come back home. Sometimes, I hear back from those that were successful in making this happen. Most are thrilled, but a few are not. Sometimes, when a husband finally comes back, it soon becomes very clear that he’s not all that happy to be there or is not truly invested in saving the marriage. And in these cases, it’s an ironic victory because you have him at home where you want him but he’s only going through the motions and isn’t really present at all. Wives can begin to fear that a large degree of guilt is at play.
I recently heard from a wife who feared that her husband had only come back to her out of guilt and pity. This concerned her a great deal because, even though the husband had come back and moved back into their home, he really only interacted with their children and was pretty much ignoring the wife. She said, in part: “for the three months that my husband was gone, my sole focus was getting him home. I thought that if I just could entice or lure him back home, our problems would be over. For the first two months, he wanted nothing to do with this. He made it clear that he was happy being apart. Then, without any prompting from me, my kids started telling him how much they missed him and how sad they were that he was gone. Recently, my mother in law came over and saw that our yard hadn’t been kept up and that my kids were no longer their happy and loving selves. Then, I made the mistake of telling her that I was behind on our bills. Well, she must have reported this to my husband because within two days, he came home unannounced with his bags in tow. We’ve never discussed why he came home, but it’s clear that while he’s happy to be living with the kids, he doesn’t have much interest in me. We haven’t had sex or really any physical contact since he’s been back. We never discussed why he’s here and what he wants to happen. He’ll make little comments like ‘it’s clear you’d never make it alone.’ I wanted him to come back so badly, but not in this way. What am I supposed to do when I’m pretty sure he only came back out of guilt or obligation? I don’t want him to leave again, but I don’t want this kind of marriage either.”
This is a heartbreaking catch 22. Sure, he’s back, but he’s not completely there. And he’s not willing to work on the marriage, so it becomes clear that you’re only getting back a fraction of him. As difficult as this is, I truly feel that it can be better than the alternative of him still being out of the house. While this situation isn’t ideal, it does give you a man who is physically present, which makes it easier to save your marriage than if he were still living a separate roof.
Try To Focus On The Fact That He Did Come Back So That You Can Move Forward Without Dwelling On The Reason For His Reluctant Presence: I know that it’s very difficult to ignore the obvious and I’m not suggesting that you should just pretend that everything is fine. But, at the same time, if you continue to dwell solely on the unfortunate reason that you suspect brought him back to you, then you’re delaying your progress and your attempts to save your marriage.
It’s better to focus on making the best of the situation so that you can gradually obtain his cooperation and make him glad that he came back – no matter what truly brought you to this point. I know from experience that it is possible to save your marriage when only one person is invested or interested in doing so – especially at the beginning of the process. So I’m not convinced that you always need your husband completely on board in the beginning stages of saving your marriage. You’ll see that things become much easier once he begins to change his mind and eventually to cooperate and be receptive to you. But at first, at least in my experience and opinion, this isn’t always a requirement.
There is plenty that you can do to begin to improve your marriage and your intimacy without his participation. Often, he’ll have no idea that you are doing this, which can be a positive thing because when he doesn’t know what you are doing, he’s not as likely to try to resist or block your attempt at progress.
Saving Your Marriage While Your Husband Is Only Physically Present But Not Truly Cooperating: So what can you do individually to save your marriage? You can start by creating a positive environment. It was obvious that while the husband was content when he was around his kids, he was pretty sullen around his wife because the tension and awkwardness were at play. This needed to change because if it didn’t, the husband was going to continue to avoid the wife and would eventually associate her presence with discomfort and other negative images.
So I felt it was important that the wife remain upbeat and pleasant to be around even if she felt like this was all for show. This one change was likely to get her husband’s attention, even if he was doubtful and resistant at first. And while I realized that the wife wanted to have long discussions about why he left, why he came back, and where the marriage went from here, now was not the time to do that. Their marriage was already on very shaky ground, so continuing to analyze or challenge it was probably not a good idea. You can usually delay this until you’re both invested.
Your real goal is to lessen the tension, create a sense of cooperation, and to make your home a place that you both want to be. If that means backing off for a while and focusing on the small things that you can control while this transition is happening, there is nothing wrong with that strategy. Sometimes, you have to look at this is more of a process than an immediate goal. And while it’s true that your husband make have initially come back to you out of guilt, the most crucial fact is that he is back and now is the time to make the most of it. So, show him a spouse who is easy to relate to, who isn’t constantly questioning his motivations, and who is willing to have patience and restraint as this process evolves and improves little by little. Eventually, the idea is that as the small improvements happen, he becomes less and less resistant, so that eventually he is fully invested and quite willing to work with you to save your marriage.
How do I know this? Because I had to use this process in my own marriage. My husband was sure he wanted a divorce and in the beginning, he wasn’t at all invested in saving our marriage. I knew that it wasn’t over for me and I refused to give up or let go. But, unfortunately, I pushed too hard and asked too much in the beginning. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but to change the dynamics of our marriage. You can read more of this story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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