Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are afraid that their husband has already made up his mind about ending their marriage.  Sometimes, the husband denies this. He will sometimes claim that he is keeping an open mind during counseling or a marital separation. But, many wives in this situation have their doubts.

You might hear someone say: “my husband and I have been separated for three months.  We agreed that after four months, we could come to a decision about our marriage and he would either return back home if things were going well. Or, we would get a divorce if things deteriorated.  Well, things have not been going so well.  We fight now as much as we did when he lived at home.  He does his best to steer clear of me.  This frustrates me because he claimed that he was going to be accessible.  I saw my husband the other night and he told me that he wasn’t going to be able to make a decision about our marriage after the four months that we agreed on.  I commented that his delay didn’t offer me a lot of encouragement.  He didn’t respond.  Then I told him that I feel like our marriage is over in his own mind but he just won’t put this into words. He told me that I was reading too much into the delay.  He said if he had come to a decision, he would share it with me.  I don’t believe him.  I think that he’s probably just lining up a support system and a legal team so that he can quickly file for divorce.  What should you do if you feel like your husband thinks its over but he just won’t say it?  Especially when it’s not over for you?”

I understand this dilemma as I’ve been there myself.  I was sure that my husband was in the middle of filing for a divorce when we were separated but struggling.  And I acted in the way that was firmly in alignment with this.  But what I didn’t realize at the time was that the more I insinuated that he felt it was over and just didn’t have the courage to say it, the more I pushed for him to verbally declare that it was really and truly over, which was truly the last thing that I wanted.  So my fear and my panic were actually driving me to act in such a way that made my worst fears almost a reality.  I don’t want for this to happen to you, so in the following article, I will offer some tips on what I believe is the best way to handle this.

As Much As You May Feel Like You Know What He’s Thinking, You May Not Be Right In Your Assumptions:  I know that you probably know your husband better than anyone else.  And, after being married for a while, you feel as if you can read his cues and know what he is thinking and feeling.  But in truth, unless you are a very talented psychic, you cannot read his mind.  He may well have a lot of uncertainty right now, but this doesn’t mean that he’s written your marriage off or that he has come to a final decision.  At times like these, you really have no choice but to trust in what he is telling you unless he gives you a reason not to, which leads me to my next point.

Unless You Hear Otherwise, You Still Have Time To Make An Impact And To Try To Save Your Marriage:  I know that this wife felt that her husband was only delaying the divorce for a month to get his affairs in order.  This was her theory anyway. But the truth was, he hadn’t filed for a divorce and he had very directly told her that he was delaying the decision by an entire month.  This gave her four weeks to gain sound ground.  Admittedly, she was skeptical that it was going to be possible to make some progress on saving her marriage, but I encouraged her to go into this with a good attitude and to act as if she already knew that she was going to be successful.  The idea was that to give the impression that either way, she was going to dust herself off and plow forward doing the best that she could.

I know first hand that sometimes presentation is everything.  And often, when you change your focus from panic to progress, your husband will notice (and respond) to the difference.  You often do not realize that your sense of urgency (which is perfectly normal) has overwhelmed your husband and driven him away.  This is true even if he still cares about you and has the best intentions.  It is just human nature to back away from things that bring about guilt, uncertainty, or negative emotions.  So when you change from displaying negative emotions to positive ones, you will often also see a different response from him.

So to answer the question posed, I actually think that it’s a mistake to assume that your husband knows its over.  And even if he has his suspicions, you still have some time to change your strategy and see if it makes any difference.  Always remember that when you expect a negative outcome, you make this more likely.

I wish I had realized this in my own situation.  As I alluded to, I was sure that my husband was determined to divorce me and I acted accordingly.  We almost divorced as a result.  It wasn’t until I changed from a negative strategy to a positive one that things improved dramatically.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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