Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are very suspicious of their husband’s claims that he is willing to try a separation before a divorce.  Many worry that he’s not really going to try to improve things or to save their marriage during the separation.  In fact, they feel as if he’s just posturing and using the separation as a way to ease them into filing for divorce or to let them down easy.

One might explain: “for about the last year and a half, my husband has been telling me how unhappy he is.  I tried my best to improve our marriage, but he was very resistant to any attempts that I’ve made.  Finally, he said that he needs some time away from me.  This upset me terribly.  So he agreed to try a separation instead of pursuing a divorce.  I asked him how long he would be willing to wait before he actually filed.  He would not answer that question.  At this point, I feel like the whole thing is a farce.  I feel like the separation is only a ruse to let me down easy.  I feel like he’s just biding his time before he can file for a divorce with a clear conscience.  Yet, at the same time, I have to accept the separation and do the best that I can during it because it’s really the only chance I have.  But I’m not sure where to go from here because I just know that he’s not going to be receptive to me.  What now?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

I could greatly identify with this wife.  There was a time when I was sure that my separated husband was going to file for divorce as soon as he felt he’d given the separation enough time. This left me almost too paralyzed to act.  It wasn’t until I accepted that I was going to lose him either way unless I took some action that things began to change.  I accepted some basic truths (which I’ll outline below) and that made a significant difference.

He May Well Be Biding His Time, But You Can’t Dwell Or Focus On That: I know that you probably feel like the clock is ticking. But do you know what you should focus on instead?  That at least you do have some time, no matter how short that time frame might be.  And you have to make it count.  You cannot let fear keep you from making the best attempt possible to save your marriage if that is what you really want.  You can’t control his thought process, but you can certainly control your own.  And your thoughts and actions are both extremely important right now.

To the extent that you can, try to remain calm and vow that you’re going to make the very most of this opportunity and that you are going to control what you can and hope for the best.  That way, regardless of how this turns out, you will know that you handled this as best as you possibly could.  And you will know that you have no regrets.

Know That You Don’t Initially Need His Cooperation:  Many wives feel that they are going to need their husband’s full consent or cooperation in order to save their marriage.  This does make things easier.  But it’s not vital, in my opinion and experience. To make it work if you’re going solo, you will need to break this down to it’s most basic level.  You need to accept small victories that build onto one another and gain strength over time.

Instead of panicking and thinking that you must make your marriage perfect in order to save it, you’re better off just wanting to preserve or improve the relationship, no matter what form it takes.  Your husband is much less likely to resist your just wanting to get along with him in a more positive way.

During this process, you will want to move very slowly.  You don’t want to make it obvious that you have some long-term plan or motive.  You want to try to reestablish an easy rapport between you.  Take it one tiny step at a time.  Take it day by day rather than constantly looking at the big picture and feeling the clock tick and the pressure build.

Because if you can pull this off successfully, there will not be any pressing reason for him to be in a hurry to get a divorce.  After all, you’re getting along and you’re not questioning or pressuring him.

I realize that this is a tall order and that what I am asking takes a good deal of faith and patience.  But what is the alternative? Panicking and pushing him further away with the drama and only ensuring that he’s going to be in a hurry to file for divorce and get it all over with? That doesn’t sound like the better option to me.

I don’t mean to make light of the situation because I know how difficult this is.  I had to use this strategy when it was clear that nothing else was going to work.  And yes, it did some time.  But the wait was absolutely worth it because things never escalated to a divorce. Instead, we saved our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin