Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives vow to force themselves to make all the right moves during their marital or trial separation. They know that it may sometimes be difficult to take the high road. Or that they may have to force themselves not to give in to despair or pettiness. But they want to do this right so that they have the best chance of saving their marriage and of holding their heads high. Still, sometimes, even with heaps of patience and integrity, it can feel as if your efforts are not making one bit of difference.

A wife might say, “My husband was very fair about our separation. He gave me plenty of warning. He does make contact somewhat regularly, although he keeps me at arm’s length when we speak. He asked me to be patient with him, and I’ve done precisely what he has asked. I’ve tried to be kind during every interaction. I’m loving even when I feel a little resentful. I try not to let the disappointment seep into my voice when he makes it clear that he is still not ready to move forward with me. I’m always polite. I’m always accommodating. I’m always asking him what I can do for him. For the most part, he brushes me off. And he never reciprocates. Sometimes, he seems a bit annoyed with me. And I will ask him if I’ve done anything wrong, and he will reassure me that no, I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and that he appreciates my efforts. So why does none of it make any difference? I’ve been doing everything asked of me. I honestly believe that I’ve been doing everything right. But he seems no more invested in our marriage than he was months ago. Should I start doing things wrong and not being as compliant? I am at a loss as to what I should do.”

Striking An Acceptable Balance: I agree that your situation is a tricky one. And from my experience during my own separation, sometimes changing strategies actually does help. I began the process as a clingy, desperate mess. And then I went to the other extreme and pretended not to care very much. When that wasn’t the answer, I had to get a bit more honest about how I truly wanted to respond and present myself.

What I ultimately decided was that I had to strike the best balance that I could between what my husband was asking for, what I needed for my own wellbeing, and what was best for my eventual reconciliation. And very often, these three goals contradicted one another, at least some. So I had to try to keep several balls juggling in the air. It wasn’t easy, but I eventually became adept enough at this juggling that I made some progress. But I also had to let go of my belief that one stringent strategy was the only way to win.

When It Makes Sense To Back Off Of An “All Or Nothing” Strategy And Adapt Accordingly: If there is one thing that I learned during my own separation, is that a skill that separated wives need TODAY is the ability to read the situation and then adapt. If your husband is responding repeatedly responding negatively to what you’re doing, it makes sense to try something else.

That said, you have to be able to read the entire situation accurately. In this scenario, the husband was still regularly communicating with the wife. Admittedly, it was not always the type of communication that she wanted, but he wasn’t avoiding her. So it probably didn’t make sense to completely abandon the current strategy. However, there was likely room for adjustment so that the arrangement worked a little better for both parties.

Sometimes, if I felt like my accommodations were causing my husband to take me for granted or not value me, then I’d be less available at a strategic time. I was never rude, petty, or retaliatory. And I always promised a rain check and meant it. But sometimes, not being as eager and creating a tiny bit of scarcity can do some good. It made a very big difference for me.

Of course, you don’t want to take it too far. You still want to maintain a very conciliatory relationship with open communication. But that doesn’t mean that you have to sit home and wait for him to come around at the expense of yourself. I learned that NOT doing this actually made the time go by much faster and helped my state of mind. It can help to remember that there are other things to fill and enhance your life while you are waiting.

Sometimes, Improvement Is Just Around The Corner: I know you feel that your efforts aren’t making a difference, but you can’t possibly see the outcome yet. Honestly, there were plenty of times when I was just ready to give up during my own separation. There were plenty of days when my husband gave me no hope whatsoever that things would ever get better. There were weeks when I just didn’t take any action toward my marriage because I knew that it wouldn’t matter. And then, just when I thought there would never be any hope, things changed.

• Sometimes your husband just needs a little more time.
• Other times, a set of circumstances is going to pop up that works in your favor.
• Or he will begin to miss you, and his stance toward you will soften.
• Perhaps the changes that he has been waiting to see may finally be complete.

There are multiple possibilities that could change the course of your separation.

I know that sometimes it feels as if things are just going to continue to deteriorate.

But things can also get better, and you have to be careful about defeatist thinking. Sometimes, your thinking can cloud your actions, which can make the things you dread more likely.

I know that this is a challenge, but sometimes your best bet is to maintain a positive attitude and a cordial relationship overall, while you make small adjustments to shake things up when appropriate.  You can read about how I did this on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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