Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you are faced with a marital separation that you don’t want, it is human nature to tell yourself that hopefully, it will all be over soon. Many of us tell ourselves that our spouses will miss us and, before long, will want to rush back home and end the separation.

Unfortunately, we are not all this lucky. Our separations seem to linger on and on. Our husbands do not appear to miss us all that much. When we attempt to reach out to him, we do not get the warm reception that we had in mind.  So we will try different methods to improve our situations or to get our husband’s attention. Sometimes, these efforts just make things worse, which is when you feel as if you are just treading water with your separation or making no progress at all.

Someone might explain, “I honestly feel like our separation is at a dead end. I don’t want a divorce. I have been fighting to keep a divorce from happening. However, if I am being realistic, I have to say that we may as well divorce because we are just at a standstill. It’s not as if we hate one another or anything like that. But my husband has shown no interest in a reconciliation and he seems content to just live separate lives. I am not content with this arrangement. I want a real husband and a real marriage. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of feeling like my spouse does not care what is going on with me. What can you do when you hit a dead end in your separation but don’t want a divorce?”

I can only tell you what worked for me, but I was in a similar situation and I was sure that I was going to end up divorced. Like the wife above, I felt very isolated and, quite frankly, downright depressed. Thankfully, I had some caring individuals around me who intervened so that I saw the dark clouds that were hanging over me. I turned my situation around, so I know that it is not impossible. I do know that it can feel incredibly difficult, but it can also eventually come to an end.

Don’t Force Yourself To Be Alone: I know that you feel alone and I understand why. I know that there is a big difference between being among others and being WITH your spouse. The two are not the same. However, right now, only one of these two is possible. Although I was resistant initially, I found that I felt so much better being around other people. Sometimes this was my family. Other times, it was friends, coworkers, or even complete strangers (when I volunteered.) You may not notice a huge difference until you are alone again. Isolating yourself often makes your outlook more negative because you have no one to check you. When you take this negativity to your spouse, things may continue to deteriorate. I promise that being around others is a very easy way to feel better and to improve your situation.

Think Smaller: I admit it. When I was right in the middle of my separation, all I thought about was reconciling. I thought about this every single time I interacted with my husband. These thoughts bled into every interaction and communication. My husband was well aware of this and so he was on his guard. He was not sure what he wanted to do about reconciling, so we were at odds. As a result, our interactions were awkward and it was difficult to find solid ground. That is why I had to back off. I was unquestionably hurting my chances of a reconciliation instead of helping them. So I told myself that I was taking this idea off the table and instead, I was just going to prioritize positive interactions. Sometimes, that meant an upbeat text and nothing more. Next time, we might have a five-minute conversation that ended well. I would have to be satisfied with that, until the next time. But the important thing was that backing off allowed there to be the next time.

Be Content With The Here And Now: I know that you want to reconcile. I know that you may even feel divorced already. But, I know many divorced couples. It is very different to be divorced and to be separated. When you are divorced, you break many of the bonds that you still have right now. No joint finances. No investment in one another. No hope that you will one day be together. It feels over and so you feel compelled to move on. This is why I didn’t just give up during my own separation. I was not ready to accept these harsh realities. I accepted giving my husband space and I accepted very small, gradual victories, but I could not accept cutting him out of my life forever. So I had to be content with just standing still for much longer than I wanted.  That was better than letting my husband go indefinitely. The separation was absolutely no fun at all, but letting go and giving up would have been far worse.

Ask If There Are Any Changes That Might Improve Things: In my own case, backing up, moving more slowly, and busying/working on myself were new strategies that actually pushed my separation forward, although at the time it did feel like a slow process. Can you identify any areas where you can make some changes (in perspective or in actions) that might improve things, even slightly? If you can move forward, then you may not have to wait as long for a reconciliation – or you may make one more likely. Even better, this more active approach makes the waiting a little easier.  Try not to see this as a dead end.  Try to see it as the pause that comes before you find the right strategy.

As I alluded to, I frequently felt that my separation was at a dead end. But, I hung in there because I just wasn’t ready to let my husband (or my marriage) go.  In the end, this (along with a new strategy) worked out for me.  I saved my marriage (You can read about that here: http://isavedmymarriage.com) but everyone has a different patience level.

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