Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are getting a troubling vibe from their husbands during a marital or trial separation.  Often, the wife had expected or hoped that the husband would miss her or be receptive when she attempts to reach out to him.  Instead, the wife feels that the husband sees her as sort of annoyance.  This can leave her wondering what to do when what she wants most is to end the separation and save her marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “after my husband bugged me for almost a year to give him some time and to agree to a separation,  I finally agreed.  And the only reason that I agreed was because it seemed clear that he was going to leave me if I didn’t agree.   However,  I tried to have a very upbeat attitude and I tried to believe that we would get through it.   I figured that I would try to set it up so that we could see each regularly and hopefully have the necessary distance and perspective to work on our marriage.  But, I have to admit that every time I try to talk to or reach out to my husband, he gives me the cold shoulder.  At first I thought that I was only imagining it or was acting out of fear.  But for the past couple of weeks, I’ve made a note in my journal of what my husband says or does when I try to initiate contact or a meeting with him.   Now that I see all of this in black and white, it’s clear to me that he’s annoyed by me right now.  When I call, he at first will nicely try to get off the phone but when I try to keep him on the phone longer, then he gets very short with me and starts to raise his voice.  Last time we talked, he asked me to let him call me the next time.  When I went by his office and asked him to have lunch with me, he very abruptly told me that he was busy and all but shooed me out of his office.  I then asked him if he got the card that I sent him and he sighed deeply before he admitted that he had got it but hasn’t really had a chance to look at it.  When I take all of this information together, I come to the conclusion that my husband thinks I’m bugging or annoying him.   And I admit that I have gone out of my way to make sure he remembers that he is still very married, and I also admit that I worry that if he doesn’t see or hear from me regularly, he will forget about our marriage and his commitment to it.  How do I make sure that I am still on his mind without him seeing me as annoying?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Know That Continuing On As You Are Will Probably Only Make Things Worse:  I know first hand that the more you feel your husband pulling away from you, the more you will often want to cling to him.  The idea that he is asserting his independence or even considering moving further away from you or your marriage is often too much to bear.  So, you feel as if you need to do something, even if you know that it might elicit a negative reaction.  And you have this inclination because you don’t want for him to forget about you.  You’d almost rather him think of you as annoying than to not think of you at all.

I completely understand this as I was in this very difficult place also.  But what I didn’t understand at the time was that the more I pushed, the more likely my husband was to think that he needed to break away from me totally to be free of my over the top actions.  Intellectually, I knew that I was probably only making things worse, but the idea of not regularly reaching out to my husband and trying to save my marriage was just too much for me to even consider.

However, one day it dawned on me that my actions were actually making a divorce more likely instead of less likely.  I decided to just take a break and go back to my hometown to receive some love and support from my family.  And I was floored when all of a sudden my husband became receptive to me very shortly after I took a break.  It wasn’t my intention to stop what I was doing for good.  I just wanted to see some loving faces.  But the about face by my husband gave me pause.  I couldn’t deny that my backing off (even if it wasn’t intentional) actually made a positive difference.  So I decided to take things a little further to see if it would improve things even more.  And believe it or not, it did.

Ask Yourself What You have To Lose By Backing Off Just A Bit:  I know that you might imagine that bad things are going to happen if you back off some.  You worry about him forgetting his commitments.  But can you see that by not backing off, you risk what you fear the most?  You risk him becoming so frustrated that he blocks his access to him or he starts dodging you to avoid the entire situation altogether.  What if you made a commitment to back off just for a couple of days in order to see if this would inspire some relief or improvement.

The Logistics Of Backing Off: Many wives understand that backing off might be beneficial, but they aren’t sure if they are going to be able to pull it off.  They can’t imagine being out of touch for that long.  They worry that they won’t be able to stop themselves from calling or coming by.  I had the same concerns which is why I went out of town and I left my cell phone in my mom’s care.  I knew if I had access to my husband, I couldn’t stay away.  Instead, I journaled, I spent time with people who loved me and were thrilled to see me, and I tried to focus on myself and what I wanted outside of my marriage just for me.  In short, I decided to build myself up so that I could handle my marital situation better no matter what the outcome turned out to be.  It was beginning to be apparent that I needed to take better care of myself regardless of how this turned out.

And as soon as I made myself a priority, my husband took notice.  Of course I can’t promise that this will always happen. But I can say that it makes sense to stop pursuing a strategy that is clearly annoying or frustrating your husband.  When one strategy doesn’t work, perhaps it’s time to pursue another that is more healthy for both of you.

This wasn’t an easy strategy but it was the only one that worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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