Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most of us want to feel as if we are our spouse’s equal. By that I mean that we want to feel that we are well matched. We want to feel that we got a great catch with our spouse, but we don’t want to believe that he is so good a catch that we don’t deserve him or that people will look at us as a couple and think that he could have done better. We don’t want to feel that we married so far out of our league that we have to be insecure about it. And yet, often, we place these doubts onto ourselves quite willingly because we are projecting our own insecurities.

Someone might have a worry like: “when my husband and I first met, we were both very ambitious. We met in law school and I was actually higher ranked in our class than he was. He used to come over under the guise of studying with me because I was considered one of the brightest students in our year. Also, I was beautiful when I was younger. My husband was not the only man who wanted me. I was tiny and had beautiful skin and hair. My husband pursued me relentlessly. When I look at our wedding pictures, I see a man who clearly feels very lucky. And yet, I can’t help but wonder how lucky he feels today. I am a mother of three and my kids are my life. When my second child was born, my husband and I decided that I would stay at home. So when my husband married me, he probably thought we’d be a high income, dual earning family. But we’re not. He makes a good living, but we still have to watch what we spend because we’re just living on one income. Also, I gained weight with each pregnancy and although my face is still pretty, I definitely don’t look like I did when we first married. Sometimes, we have to go to events for my husband’s career. I see all of the other men’s wives and all of them seem to be so busy and glamorous. Many of them work. I feel like I’m less than them by comparison and I worry that my husband is somewhat ashamed. I feel like I’ve let my husband down. And I worry that one day, he will realize that he could have better. I worry that I will lose my marriage because of this, but I feel like it’s too late to change now. I still want to be home because of my kids.”

I do understand how you feel, but I think that you should consider that you are only speculating about how your husband feels. You are feeling badly about yourself, so you are imagining that he is feeling badly too. But, it sounds as if you both decided that it would be beneficial to your family if you stayed home. It sounds like it was a joint decision. So your husband might actually take comfort from and find satisfaction and reassurance in a spouse who stays home for the benefit of his children. He may actually take pride in the fact that he earns a good enough living so that his children can have an at-home parent. Of course, I am only speculating also. But I am trying to bring your attention to another possibility. We often assume the worst about ourselves before anyone has given us a reason to do so. And our doubts can lead us to see things that aren’t there.

I also understand the concern about your marriage, but if I have to tell you that insecurity almost makes your fears more likely to come true. If you approach your husband in a way that says you are not good enough and he could do better, he may eventually come to believe this (even if didn’t start out believing it.) I would suggest working on building your confidence. You are still the smart, high-achieving woman he married. You made a conscious decision for the sake of your family and that decision is loving and brave. If there is something about your appearance that bothers you and if addressing it would make you feel better, than you don’t need anyone else’s permission to make yourself as a high a priority as any other member of your family. Feeling good about yourself and caring for yourself ensures that your children have the best mother possible and that your husband has the best wife possible.

I believe that often, making ourselves as strong and as confident as we can possibly be benefits our marriage also. If your are insecure and unsure, this is probably going to negatively affect your marriage in more real ways than the fears that you are projecting – which might not even be true.

My suggestion would be to address any worries that you can. This should help to restore your confidence and alleviate some of the doubts. But beyond that, know that sometimes we contribute to our family’s bottom line in ways that are more valuable than money or status. Hold your head high.  Being a loving mother and spouse is one of the most important jobs in this world.

When my husband and I separated, I was always afraid he would find someone better.  Honestly, I think this hurt our chances for a reconciliation.  I had to learn to project more confidence than I felt.  You know how they say ‘fake it til you make it?’  Well, sometimes that is very good advice.  It helps to truly believe that you are worthy and that you deserve what you want. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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