I Drove My Husband Away. How Can I Get Him Back?
by: leslie cane: It’s very common for wives to take on the blame when their husband leaves them or wants a divorce. Much of the time, there is plenty of blame to go around and taking it all onto your own shoulders seldom does much good. However, many wives are convinced that it was their behavior that caused their husband to leave. And, taking this one step further, they wonder if changing their behavior will make him come back. I recently heard from a wife who felt certain that she “drove her husband away” with her behavior and now she wanted to change that behavior to get him back.
She said in part: “Looking back now, I can see that I was always pretty negative around my husband. I was always jealous and possessive. I always assumed the worst of him and I would mope around the house like I was waiting for something bad to happen. When he wanted to go out or do fun things with friends, I’d always find an excuse not to go. He repeatedly told me that it was no fun living with me and that he wasn’t sure how much he could go on ‘always walking on eggshells’ around me. But I kept right on with my negative behavior and drove him away and now he’s gone. I know now that I was wrong and I want him back more than anything. If I change my behavior and prove that I can be pleasant to be around, could I get him back?” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.
Rather Than Placing Your Focus Solely On The Fact That You Drove Him Away, Focus On Changing Your Outlook From Negative To Positive: The wife felt an incredible amount of guilt now that her husband was gone. She completely blamed herself and this attitude was following her around when she was trying to interact with her husband. While it was good that she was willing to take responsibility for behavior, that same behavior was now in the past. Yes, a lot of things would need to be undone. But constantly dwelling on how big a mistake she made wasn’t going to help the situation. I suggested that she place her focus on the present and the future rather than on the past. Yes, her negativity had affected her marriage and her family’s happiness. But today was a new day and dwelling on her behavior wasn’t changing it or even addressing the negativity.
Making Your Husband Believe That You Have Changed Enough For Him To Want To Come Back: I felt that this should be the wife’s primary goal. Because in order for her husband to even entertain the thought of going home willingly and with a cooperative attitude, he needed to believe that the wife not only was willing to change but had already started the process. So it was very important that she approach her husband in both a positive and believable way. It’s equally important that you only say or do things that can be completely genuine. Because it’s normal and not surprising for your husband to have some doubts about the new you. Getting him to believe that the changes are genuine, sustainable, and enough will often take some time. That’s why it’s so important to always be very careful not to revert back to your old behaviors. You have to truly understand why you acted the way that you did and then make the necessary and appropriate adjustments so that true and lasting change is possible.
Make Sure Your Husband Knows And Understands That Your True Focus Is On Gradually Creating A Happy And Lasting Marriage Rather Than Just Getting Him Back For The Short Term: One thing that I need to make you aware of is that you might run into a bit of resistance from your husband who may have heard all of your promises or vows before. He may feel as if you’re only telling him what he wants to hear so that he will come back home. But, he may suspect that as soon as he does, you will resort to your old behaviors.
That’s why it’s vital that you make it clear that you are more focused on a long term solution rather than just a short term, quick fix. Because he’s likely not going to want to come back if the solution is only temporary or if he suspects that both of you will do all this work to make all of these changes only to end up right back where you started.
One way to meet this issue head on is to focus on more gradual progress. Your husband will likely have some understandable doubts if you try to make him believe that you’ve suddenly changed your personality or solved all of your issues overnight. This just isn’t the way that it works and your husband knows this as well as anyone else. Instead, you want to focus on gradual changes that are believable and that you can sustain with a little bit of effort. Sometimes it’s best to keep interactions short and casual until your husband begins to let go of some of his doubts and you begin to regain your confidence.
To The Extent You Can, Try To Surround Yourself With Things That Reinforce A Positive And Upbeat Attitude: When we are faced with the threat of losing someone that we love, it’s normal and understandable to be sad, scared, or even depressed. But allowing these feelings to drive us when we are interacting with our husband can intensify and showcase the problems that got us here in the first place. It’s very easy to take a defeatist attitude and to think things like: “maybe I don’t deserve him anyway since he’s now seen the real me and I can’t undo what I did.” The truth is, there was a time when he saw the best side of you and he liked what he saw. Right now, you have to cultivate that person again. But you can’t do that if you’re feeding yourself negative thoughts and experiences.
I know it’s difficult to focus on the positive when negative things are happening around you, but doing so will help you to pull this off convincingly and the difference just may be evident to your husband which will help to lay the groundwork for the work that you have to do. This is just one more change that you are showing him. And the sum of all these changes just might convince him that he’s still invested enough to come back. So while you might think that you drove him away, now is the time to show him that you’re serious enough about getting him back so that you aren’t going to exhibit the same behaviors.
After my husband left, I did not understand these principles and I continued on with negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another more positive angle and this eventually worked. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.
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