Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many folks are very committed to sticking things out in their marriage. Sometimes, they have children and they are vowing to stay together for their kids’ sake. Other times, they believe that marriage is forever and they are not about to break those vows no matter what happens. These are honorable ideals and I truly respect those who operate under them.

However as honorable as these people are, they sometimes struggle with their resolve, especially if their feelings for their spouse are in question or aren’t exactly clear.

Here’s an example: “Before I even tell you my story, I need to be clear that I do not want a divorce. I am never going to break my marriage vows and end my marriage. But, I’m not sure if I still love my husband. Actually, I’m not sure if I ever did love him. He was my high school boyfriend and marriage just seemed like the logical next step. However, sometimes today I will look at him and realize that I’m essentially staring at a stranger. We don’t have anything in common anymore. We never do anything fun together. I certainly don’t light up when I see him. When he wants to have sex, I make excuses because I don’t necessarily want to have sex with him. So our marriage, and my life isn’t all that happy right now. But since I don’t want a divorce, I’m stuck wondering if this is as good as it’s ever going to get. Sometimes, I think I should just cultivate my own happiness outside of my husband and my marriage. But then I think that I’m not even giving him a chance to make things better. What should you do when you definitely don’t want a divorce, but you also may not love your spouse?”

These are difficult questions. No one should have to live their life feeling that they are trapped or that their situation will never get any better. And, everyone deserves to love and be loved. However, I didn’t think that this wife’s situation was a permanent one. In other words, since she was so committed to remaining married, nothing said her marriage had to remain loveless, which I will explain below.

Sometimes When You Think That You Don’t Love Your Spouse, What You Really Don’t Love Is Your Situation Or The Life That You Are Living: I’m not saying that this was the case in this particular situation. But sometimes, we look around and find ourselves in a rut and the most convenient and sensible person to blame is our spouse.

Sometimes, we realize that our life isn’t what we thought it was going to be.  And then we wonder if perhaps we’d taken another path, or chosen someone else if we might ultimately be happier. But here’s the thing. This kind of “what if” game will only keep you stuck and make you miserable.

The wife in this situation was adamant that she didn’t want a divorce. That was a given. So she was going to have to find a way to stay within her marriage and to be happy. It’s not acceptable to resign yourself to a  long-term sentence of being unhappy. Since divorce was off the table, the most logical thing to do was to find a way to be happy with her husband. I realize that she didn’t know if she loved him. But, here’s something about love that people often don’t know or won’t tell you. Love or feeling like you are in love is often the direct result of your circumstance and effort, which I will discuss right now.

Whether Or Not You Are Right In Your Assessment That You Don’t Love Your Spouse, Loving Feelings Can And Do Return With Concentrated Efforts: I have to be honest. When people tell me that they aren’t sure if they love their spouse, this doesn’t concern me as much as you might think. It’s very common for people to say this when they are at a crossroads in their life or are finding themselves in circumstances where they are just not happy.

Often, if you ask these folks the last time they went on a date with their spouse or cleared their calendars to take a few days away, they struggle with these details because they and their spouse have gotten into the habit of not prioritizing themselves or their marriage.

I’m not going to tell you that you can magically love your spouse again by just making the decision to do so. It’s not this easy. But often, if you shift your thinking, shuffle your prioritizes and hyper-focus on your spouse and your marriage, you will often also notice a shift in your feelings.

I got an overview of this wife’s situation and she and her husband both had very stressful jobs and two children. They were constantly juggling a million different things which took its toll on their marriage. However, the wife was very clear on the fact that her husband was a good, caring, and loving man to whom she was committed to remaining married.

So nothing said that she couldn’t use her admirable commitment to her marriage to fuel her determination to make her marriage a happy one again. Because in the beginning, this couple used to be very happy. Yes, they got married young. But they did so because they were in love. And the early years of their marriage were happy ones.

I asked the wife to commit to placing much of her spare time (that she had been spending by herself seeking her own happiness) with her husband. I asked her to be spontaneous and open and to try to see what was right with him and with her marriage rather than seeing what was wrong.

Because I strongly suspected that when she did this, she was going to find her feelings of love for her husband coming back. The wife had admitted that their happiest times were before they had responsibilities and children. This is true for so many couples. It’s wonderful that we are such committed parents and we clear our calendars because of our obligations to our children. But, children need to grow up with happy parents who demonstrate what a good, mutual and loving marriage looks like. Because your children are going to use your marriage as an example on which to mirror their own.

So rather than resigning yourself to a marriage that will last but will not be loving, romantic, or truly happy, make a commitment to giving it more of the things that you perceive it lacks.

It was actually my husband (and not me) who had fallen out of love in my marriage.  I wasn’t all that thrilled with him either, but I was still committed to my marriage. Eventually, it dawned on me that the tactics I was using to get him to love me again were not working. Luckily, I was able to change course and return the intimacy and affection. You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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