Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I have written many articles about preventing divorce and saving your marriage, so I suppose it is no secret that for the most part, I believe that it is always possible to save your marriage even if your husband insists that he wants a divorce. Over the weekend, I received an email from someone who said, in a nutshell, “I absolutely do not want a divorce, but he does. Divorce is a worst-case scenario for me. I believe marriage is forever, but I think he is going to pack his bags any day now. What can I do?”

Obviously, from an email, I can’t know all of the specifics of this couple’s marriage or why the husband wants to end it, but I can generally speak about some of the best ways to change a husband’s mind about the divorce. Many of these methods require you to calm down a bit, step back objectively and think about the long term rather than the short term. I’ll tell you the tips I gave her in this article.

First, Don’t Allow Your Husband’s Threat Of Divorce To Drive You To Act In Such A Way That Will Make Things Worse And Make A Divorce More Likely: Many times, a husband who wants a divorce when a wife doesn’t can be a heavy burden. It’s common to panic and to want an immediate resolution. You want this threat gone immediately. You want to make up, feel at peace, and move on.

But, the truth is that often that the problems didn’t happen overnight. Although there are things you can do that will have almost immediate results, it may take time to get back on solid footing. That’s OK because what you do now is going to lay a stronger foundation for the future and will be worth it. So, onto the things I mentioned that will make things better quickly.

First, don’t panic. Don’t make desperate-sounding promises or pleas that are beneath you (your husband will likely just want to escape this because it elicits guilt). Don’t try to make him angry just so he will pay attention to you. Don’t threaten him or use the children as a bargaining chip. Don’t ask for “just one more chance to prove things” to him.

I am listing these things because they are so common. I have done them myself. (Big mistake. More on that here.) We all do them when we panic and none of them work long term. Even if you are successful in buying yourself some time, your husband will know that you won and he’s going back on a decision he made because you forced him to do it. So, you may win this little battle, but you likely won’t win the war. Why? Because next time he’s going to be determined that you won’t and he’s going to dig in. Worse, he’s going to resent you.

Understand That When You Try To Change Your Husband’s Mind About The Divorce, You Are Telling Him His Feelings Aren’t Valid: Probably the biggest mistake that wives take (no matter which tactic or plan they try) is that the message beneath the plan to stop the divorce insinuates that the husband is wrong to want the break, separation or divorce. In short, this is saying his feelings aren’t valid – that he doesn’t deserve to be happy. Now, maybe you know that his stance IS absolutely wrong. But, communicating this to him is not the way to get him to see things your way. Think about it for a second. When someone tells you that you are wrong (and you feel very strongly that you are not) how receptive are you to this person? Not very, right?

So, the better thing to do is to validate your husband’s feelings and the fact that he wants this divorce. Just accept it, (but communicate that you are very sorry he feels this way), for now (of course, you’re not accepting it long term.) This will alleviate some of the tension and he will no longer feel he has to shield himself from you.

You may ask him to share with you the specifics of what lead up to his wanting a divorce. Don’t argue. Don’t interrupt. Make eye contact and lean in, but don’t initiate intimate contact. Your husband may balk at this and not want to talk. That’s OK.

Here is the important message that you want him to understand. You may not say this in so many words but this is what you want to come across: “I hear and understand that you feel this way. I agree that I would like for our marriage to be better. I am committed to making our relationship better, no matter where that ultimately leads. I care about you too much to have bad feelings between us.”

Your husband may scoff at this. He may not listen right now. But, when things calm down, when quiet and calm prevails, he will remember these words.

Turning Bad Feelings Into Good Ones. Turning Back The Clock: If you remember nothing else from this article, please remember this. If your husband wants a divorce, it’s likely because when he thinks of you right now, it elicits negative feelings. At least right now. You have got to get back to a place where he feels positive feelings when he thinks of you. You may think that isn’t possible right now, but it is. It may take time. You may not be speaking or he may not even want to be in the same room with you, but if you validate him and allow the situation to calm down, you can begin initiating positive actions.

I want you to think back to when you first met this man. What did you love about him? How did you treat him? I’d be willing to bet that you genuinely cared about his happiness and well being and you greatly appreciated him. This brought out the best in both of you and you were both at your best when you were together. This was likely the union of two people who were very in tune with the needs of one another. There was no need for anger or score-keeping or petty arguments. You may think that you can’t get back to this place (“we’re older,” “we have kids,” “we have too much responsibility,” etc.) but you can.

Focus on the things that first brought you together. Approach this from the place that your husband (and you) deserves to be in a relationship where both people are happy and fulfilled. You probably know deep in your heart (even if you don’t want the divorce) that things aren’t right. This doesn’t mean they can’t be better.

Your husband may not believe that change is possible as he hasn’t seen any real change yet and he doubts this. Your goal then should be to show him, little by little, bit by bit, as you are able, (even if he does begin divorce proceedings or moves out) that the women he fell in love with is still right in front of him and she wants both of you to be happy again.

Trying to convince and strong-arm my husband to change his mind about the divorce backfired on me in a big way. Luckily, I decided to show him my sincerity and love for him with my actions rather than my words. Eventually, I was able to save the marriage. You can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/