Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you get married, you have certain expectations. Most of us think (and certainly hope) that we’ve found a life partner who will be there to support and love us through all that life might throw at us. We like to think that we are part of united team – where both players are going to prioritize the relationship. Many of us consider our spouse to be our best friend and the most important person in our lives. He is often the gold standard by which we measure all others. And we often won’t make major life decisions without his input.

That’s why it can really hurt when he doesn’t seem to act in the same way. And it’s particularly frustrating when you’re sure that he’s the most important person in the world to you, but you suspect that the feeling isn’t mutual. A wife might explain: “I knew when I married a man with children that I was going to have to share him. I understood that and I still do. So I understood that I might be second sometimes. But I don’t even think that I am second. I’m probably about fifth or sixth. My husband seems to think that he is responsible for every one in his family. His mother can’t even go shopping without him driving her. His brother is always borrowing money. His sister stayed a week with us to look at colleges. His work always comes first. If his work calls, my husband goes running and I’m just supposed to entertain myself and understand that my plans have been ruined. His son is a great athlete with a bright future and my husband is considering relocating us so that his son has more opportunities to excel in his sport and be noticed. So if this happens, I am just supposed to pack up and move without any discussion about it. I feel like my husband always expects for me just to come along for the ride without ever complaining. And this makes me feel horrible and uncared for. I’m not the most important person in his life. Heck, sometimes I think I’m not even on the short list. I am starting to feel as if my marriage isn’t going to make it. What can I do about this?”

Anytime you feel that a problem might disrupt your marriage in a serious way, I’d urge you to address that problem immediately. I know first hand that ignoring it won’t make it go away. In fact, it often allows it to fester to the point where it becomes so large that it is very difficult to handle.

I’m not a therapist and my only personal experience with blended families is going through my own parents ‘divorce (while dealing with two step-parents) and watching many close friends and family members deal with this also.

If you don’t say anything to address this, I suspect that you’re going to feel more invisible. I don’t think that what you are asking for is unreasonable. You realize that he must put his children first. But, as his wife, your opinion and feelings should matter a great deal also. The first step would be to make him aware of how you feel.

I know that this might be daunting to you because you may question your right to complain when he’s juggling so many legitimate things. You may look at him and see a good man, son, brother, and father who is trying to care for those he loves. And that’s valid – and even admirable. But count yourself among those that he loves and understand that you deserve as much consideration as anyone else. And, there’s always a careful way to say things.  You don’t need to be angry or nasty when you discuss this.

The next time something happens that makes you feel unimportant, you might try: “I have to talk to you about something. I want to stress that I understand that you have responsibilities to your family. That is one of the things that attracted you to me in the first place. You care deeply about those you love. The thing is, sometimes, I don’t feel included or like I am on equal footing with your loved ones. I want you to be available to and supportive of your kids. But when something involves my life too, like moving, I’d like to be consulted and I would like for my opinion to be considered. Some of the things that relate to your family deeply affect my life and I’d like to be heard when it comes to this. Because when I’m not, it makes me feel like I’m the least important of the bunch. And then I question our relationship’s standing. I’m not trying to make problems here. And I’m not trying to put more pressure on you. But I don’t want this to affect our marriage. I want to mention it now so that we can address it.”

This may be all that is needed. Once he understands what you are asking for, he will hopefully see that it is very reasonable and easily obtainable. Sometimes, when he gets scattered trying to be all things to all people, you may have to remind him of what you need. Honest and constant communication is key here.

If you find that this doesn’t work, there are counselors that specialize in blended families. Many of my friends swear by this. I know that you may feel that you shouldn’t have to resort to outside help, but there is nothing wrong with taking the pulse of your marriage and addressing what is needed. I didn’t do this in my own marriage and it was extremely costly.  We aren’t a blended family, but our lack of communication and courtesy caused us to separate.  It was a very difficult time. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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