Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are starting to believe that their separated husbands are never coming home.  Often, they have tried to wait patiently and to be optimistic, but these things haven’t done much good.

One might say: “for the first couple of weeks of our separation, I tried very hard to have hope that my husband would come home very soon.  The hope was that he would miss me so much, he would cancel the lease on his new apartment and come back to me.  But as the weeks turned into months, I started to lose hope.  I will admit that I’m having a hard time giving my husband space.  I call and come by on a very regular basis. Some days, he seems happy to see me and other days, he makes excuses and won’t even interact with me.  He’s secretive about how he’s living his life or if he is seeing other people.  I’m at the point where I don’t think he is coming back, but when I tell him this, he says that I have no reason to believe this and that I am choosing to only see the negative.  I just can’t help it.  I haven’t seen any sign whatsoever that he has any immediate plans to come back.  So what is a wife supposed to do when the harsh realization hits that he is likely not coming back?” I’ll tell you my feelings on this below.

First of all, I totally understand how this wife was feeling. I have been in this situation and I know how sickening it can be when you get that sinking feeling that you might continue to be alone when he doesn’t come back.  It is an awful and desperate feeling.  However, I have to point out that this husband was telling the wife very directly that he wasn’t indicating that he was never coming home.  He was just telling her that he needed additional time.   And the wife had freely admitted that she wasn’t giving her husband the time that he was asking for.  She was basically reaching out to him each and every day.   She had never tried the strategy of backing off a little bit to see if this would help the situation.

Personally, I didn’t think she necessarily needed to give up just yet.  There was nothing that said she couldn’t back off just a little bit and begin to live her life instead of putting it on hold.  This didn’t mean that she was giving up on her marriage.  It just would no longer mean that she was giving up on herself.  I know that beginning to live your life can sound overwhelming sometimes when you are separated.  But, it actually does make you feel a little better most of the time.  You feel like you are actively participating in life rather than desperately watching it pass you by.  And, I’ll tell you something else.  It’s not unusual for husbands to suddenly have a little interest in you when you aren’t coming on so strong.  The thing is, often they are so used to hearing from or seeing you on a regular basis that when you are silent for a time, suddenly they are curious.  Suddenly, they begin to wonder what on earth has changed.

I can’t promise that this will happen every time, but I have seen it happen several times.  Often, once you give him the space that he has asked for, then the separation process can truly begin.  Since he’s getting his space and time to think, he will be able to freely evaluate what he really wants, what he is willing to contribute, and he will have an opportunity to miss you.

I eventually came to look at it like this.  There was really no downside to picking myself up, dusting myself off, and beginning to live my life.  Of course, I hoped that giving him space would help my marriage.  But, I told myself that even if it didn’t, it was time for me to begin to move forward.  It wasn’t good for me to live in limbo with no enjoyment in my life.  I figured if he came around, then that would be wonderful, but if he didn’t, well then it was time for me to stand on my own two feet anyway.

Over time, most women get tired of waiting on someone else to dictate your future.  You have the ability to decide how you want to live today and tomorrow.  Do you really want to live it in misery and feeling like you are on hold? I’m not insinuating you should move on as if your marriage is over because you don’t know that at this point.  What I am saying is that it makes sense to stop living while you are waiting.  You can live your best life while hoping for the best.  And sometimes, this will actually help encourage your husband to come around because seeing that you respect yourself enough to live again will make him respect you more and this will make you appear more attractive to him.

I don’t mean to imply that I didn’t care if my husband came back.  I cared very much.  But it just wasn’t good for me to continue to be depressed and stuck while I was waiting for him to decide what he wanted.  So I started seeing friends and doing things that made me happy.  And suddenly my husband started reaching out to me.  And this was the beginning of us reconciling.  If it helps, you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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