Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives have reluctantly agreed to a marital separation, but now regret it deeply.   Often, things are not turning out as they hoped and this is sometimes because their spouse is acting distant or cold.  The wives will often speculate or worry that the husband’s attitude is going to affect the outcome of their marriage.

You might hear one of these wives say: “against my better judgment, I agreed to a separation only because I worried that if I didn’t, my husband would file for a divorce.  When my husband approached me about the separation, he assured me that he still loved me and was still committed to our marriage. He said that he was sorry that it had come to this but he just felt that he needed some time to gather his thoughts and evaluate his feelings.  So I guess I took him at his word and assumed that although we might both be sad and we might struggle through the separation, we’d soldier on because that’s what we have both committed to doing. Well, my husband’s attitude is completely contradictory to this.  He seems happy and youthful since he’s moved out.  Instead of having to worry about me and the kids, he gets to go to the gym every day or he hangs out with his friends.  He looks completely well rested and at peace.  I haven’t seen him look this content in years.  And yet, the opposite is true for me.  I feel sadness, remorse, and regret every single day.  There are bags under my eyes and my shoulders sag.  I constantly worry about what is going to happen to our family in the future.  My life just feels off without my family together.  When I mentioned this contrast to my husband, he said that I am reading too much into this.  He says that I have no idea what he is feeling and that I shouldn’t begrudge him his attempt to make the best out of a difficult situation.  But I think his behavior goes beyond that.  I don’t think he’s feeling any pain or regret.  I actually think he’s relieved and happy.  And it’s just not fair.  What can I do?”

I did understand this wife’s frustration.  I felt the same way during my own separation.  I could barely pull myself out of bed each morning and then I would see him looking happy and carefree.  It made me feel quite rejected and depressed.  And frankly, it caused me to participate in behaviors that made things worse for us.  So I do have unique insights about this which may help you.  I will share them below.

Even Though The Situation Might Look Obvious, You Can’t Possibly Know What He’s Thinking Or Feeling:  I understand why it might feel like it’s obvious that he’s not feeling any pain or remorse.  But, sometimes people portray one image but feel something that is not at all in alignment with what they are projecting to the world. Sometimes, they are putting up a defense mechanism to pretend that everything is OK when it most definitely is not.   Other times, they are trying to make the best of a difficult situation.  Or, they are not totally letting you into their mindset because they don’t want to worry or confuse you.  And here is one more thing to think about.  You are often dealing with a man who is demanding his space.  So, that alone is going to tell you that he doesn’t necessarily want to be transparent about his feelings right now.  So you cannot always trust outward appearances or make unfortunate assumptions.

Frankly, It Is The Future Of Your Marriage That Matters The Most:  Here’s something that you may not have realized because you’ve never gone through this before.  But I know it to be true.  Things can change dramatically from one week to the next when you are separated.  People gain perspective and change their minds all of the time.  How he is feeling and acting today may very well change tomorrow.

Sometimes, things gradually get better as you begin to make some progress.  And sometimes, it is just going to take a while for the novelty of the separation to wear off for him.  Many husbands act like a kid in a candy store when the separation begins because suddenly they feel less responsibility and this can feel like a relief at first. But that relief often gives way to loneliness.  And this is usually when you will see his attitude and his behaviors change.

So there is really no reason to assume that just because he’s acting in a frustrating way right now, this is going to be your new reality.  My experience tells me that sometimes, you just need to give this some time and you need to understand that you might not know exactly what he’s thinking and feeling.  And, even if you do, his perceptions may well change in the near future.

As I alluded to, my husband seemed very happy in the early stages of our separation and this broke my heart.  But, I eventually learned that if I wanted to gain any ground with him, I couldn’t pressure or repeatedly question him.  And this realization probably helped me save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin