Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I get a lot of emails from wives who tell me that they don’t think that they love their husbands anymore, or that they love their husbands but are not “in love” with them.  Some of them will bluntly admit that they don’t find their husband attractive anymore.  Common reasons are things like weight gain, hair loss, and aging. Many wives ask me how they can continue going through the motions when they really just aren’t happy.  Many have kids and feel very selfish for even thinking these types of thoughts about their children’s father.

This is a tough situation and the despair that you’re feeling can often cause you to do or say things that you may later regret.  It can also take the joy out of things that might otherwise bring you happiness or peace.  But, before you throw up your hands or throw in the towel you should know that I firmly believe that there are definite ways to bring the love in a marriage back which should at least be tried before you do anything drastic.  I’ll discuss these in the following article.

What Makes Today Different Than Yesterday?: Often, I will ask these women what first attracted them to their husbands. This is often not very hard to recall and most have very specific and quick answers.  They’ll tell me it was his sense of humor, his sensitivity, the way that he took care of them, or the chemistry between them.  (Interestingly, although some mention physical attributes like his fit body or his beautiful eyes, this is not typically where they will focus.) Once they have their list of positive attributes (which are unique to each person but are often startlingly similar for most), I’ll ask them what has changed.  I’ll ask if suddenly their husband isn’t funny, or is no longer sensitive or has totally lost every quality that used to attract them.

Some of them will try to tell me of a specific event that has happened, but most, after thinking about it for a second or with some gentle prompting, will have to admit that their husbands could not have changed that much. Some will say it is they who have changed, but some will actually begin to understand (and rightly so) that it’s the circumstances that have changed.

The Changing Times: Kids, Jobs, And Other Things That Drain Feelings Of Being “In Love” And Damper Attraction: Once you’ve defined the attributes that attracted you to your husband, ask yourself how often you get a chance to see these things.  Because I’d be willing to bet that you were seeing them quite regularly when you were dating and this reinforced your strong feelings about this guy.  However today, if you’re at all typical, then the reality is quite different.

You don’t get to see his funny side because every day is filled with obligations that make this difficult. Today, you have kids and jobs and obligations that you could not have even fathomed when you first met this person.  This is normal and not your fault, but think about how these things choke out your ability to see all of the good things that would contribute to loving feelings.

And, think for just a second how much time you spent nurturing those feelings and generating them when you were dating.  You likely didn’t do many chores or monotonous type things in the beginning.  You had fun.  You planned romantic outings where you weren’t much worried about the car or the house payment and the result was that nothing else mattered except for him.

Yes, the reality of today is quite different, and therefore so are the feelings.  You can’t expect to go from regular romantic encounters that feed and nurture your relationship to having these things be quite scarce and yet expecting the same feeling to remain and to be just as strong.  This is just not logical and yet this is exactly what most of us expect or at least hope for.  We want to feel exactly the same way.  We want the electricity and the spark and the curling of our toes and yet we just don’t put in the time and the effort and are surprised and disappointed when we get different results.

Falling Back In Love With Your Husband: Hopefully if you’ve read this far, you entertain that my arguments might have some merit.  But, how do you begin to change things? You take it one step at a time.  Things didn’t get this way overnight and they won’t heal overnight.  But small effort can make a large difference that becomes cumulative so that eventually, your feelings will be quite a bit different than they are today.

Start by just beginning to put in more time in more ways that are enjoyable but are not drudgery.  When was the last time you spontaneously touched your husband just because you wanted him to know that you were there and were with him? When was the last time the two of you laughed so hard you couldn’t catch your breath? When was the last time you gave him a knowing glance because you knew exactly what he was thinking?

This is where you want to return to and you start by being the kind of spouse that you want him to be.  Listen when he talks. Let him know you have his back. Lighten his load.  Make him laugh. Make alone time together your highest priority. Talk about something other than the kids or the house.  Set things up so that you aren’t distracted by everyday life.  Have romantic dates and outings that are just meant to connect you. Show him the best version of yourself that he saw when you were dating.

All of these things will generate good feelings and will bring you closer to where you want to be.  It won’t happen overnight but over time, it can happen. And, isn’t it worth the effort? Don’t you deserve to feel the same happiness that you used to feel? In truth, the ingredients are still there.  You are both still present. It’s the circumstances that have changed.  So, it’s high time to change the circumstances.

It was my husband who had “fallen out of love” with me (although I wasn’t all that excited by him either, sometimes. In truth, I no longer liked him all that much, even though I wouldn’t admit it.) Eventually, it dawned on me that if I started by changing myself, I might be able to turn things around. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but to save our marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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