Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  It would be ideal if both separated spouses decided at exactly the same time that it’s time to reconcile.  But this is rarely what happens.  Usually, one spouse is sure that they want to save the marriage while another still has doubts – sometimes very serious ones.

And the spouse with the doubts can feel very guilty to go ahead and proceed with a divorce when the other spouse is so motivated and determined to make things work.  This is especially true if there are children involved.

A wife might explain: “honestly, at first I was not sure if I wanted a separation.  Actually, it was my husband who first brought it up.  It had become very obvious that we had grown apart. We weren’t exactly fighting.  But we were no longer loving either.  It was like living with an acquaintance that you find pleasant but are really only tolerating.  So I knew that we had serious problems.  Which is why I didn’t really fight the separation.  Still, in the back of my mind, my hope was that we would eventually get back together.  I hoped that the separation would find me missing him and remembering the good times. Well, this must be what has happened for him because he’s wanting to reconcile all of a sudden.  He says that this has made him realize that he does not want to be alone and that he wants for us to be a family again.  We have two children and they have had a very hard time adjusting.  They are very upset.  I feel that they would adjust in time.  And I have to admit that I have honestly enjoyed this separation.  The peace and quiet has been a relief.  I am leaning toward thinking that I do not want to reconcile.  It hurts me to say this.  But I think that it is true.  However, I do not want to tell my husband this.  It’s sweet that he misses me.  And I do have concern for my children.  At the same time though, I can’t just pretend that I want to reconcile.  What do I do?  How is there common ground here?”

I will very freely admit that I am not looking at this from the point of view from the spouse who wants to move away from the marriage.  I was the spouse who wanted to save the marriage more than anything.  So I am biased.  You need to know that because I want you to know that what I’m going to say comes from a place of trying to save a marriage first.

That said, I do believe that regardless of my background, I would still think that it is a bit soon to make such an important decision as whether or not to walk away from your marriage and to alter your family.  It does not appear that a lot of time has passed.  It’s normal to feel some relief at first.  When there’s been conflict, it can feel like dropping a heavy weight not to feel that anymore.  But, sometimes if you give it a little more time, that novelty or relief wears off and it gives way to loneliness and missing your spouse.  We all go through different stages during a separation.

Of course, some people never come to miss or long for their spouse enough to reconcile.  And if you have truly given it time and done everything in your power to make it work, then you can walk away with that knowledge, which is comforting and which is important for your future relationships.

But if you act prematurely and just act off of a quick feeling early on in the process, you may always wonder.  Especially when you have a spouse who is willing to work with you and you are not dealing with very troubling problems like infidelity or addictions.  Not feeling love and passion is often a sign of neglect and complacency in your marriage.  We all experience it sometimes.  And it seems so normal and harmless at the time.  But it harms your marriage.  This can fixed.  And when one of you is motivated, that’s an important first step.

You don’t have to reconcile simply because your spouse wants to.  But I think that if you are still early in the process, you might feel a little better if you just waited and watched for a while to see what might happen next.  You may find that given a few more weeks and a little more solitude, you might feel differently.  If not, then you will know that you didn’t act too swiftly.

I know that your spouse probably wants a quick resolution. (I know this because when I missed my own husband I was so hopeful that he would quickly decide that he missed me and then come home.)  But there is nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you are not sure how you feel and that you are waiting to see how your feelings and your perceptions evolve.

Your spouse may be disappointed not to have a resolution, but leaving things open ended is better than having you abruptly say that you’re moving forward quickly.  Your spouse will likely be willing to show more patience if they know that the alternative is a divorce.

I often had problems being patient during my separation.  But I ultimately decided I would rather have patience than have a divorce.  In time we did reconcile and neither of us have any regrets. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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