I Don’t Miss My Spouse During The Separation And This Surprises Me. What Does This Mean?
By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who dreaded their marital or trial separation. Many of them assumed that this was going to be among the most challenging periods in their lives. So, they can be quite surprised to find that they aren’t as devastated as they had feared. In fact, many are quite surprised to find that they aren’t missing their spouse nearly as much as they expected. And they are often left wondering what this means in terms of their marriage.
Common comments are things like: “it was actually my husband who wanted the separation. I begged him not to pursue this. I didn’t want to do this to my family. Honestly, I have not been on my own since I was a very young adult. I was afraid of being alone. I assumed that I would be so unhappy if my husband and I separated. I thought that I would spend the majority of my days dwelling on just how much I was missing him. And I was completely shocked to find that this isn’t true. The first week was kind of rough, but since that time, I’ve started to get more used to it. The kids and I are actually able to relax. There is no more fighting. I have actually started working out after work and I even go out with coworkers sometimes. I actually have time to read for pleasure and to focus on myself. This really isn’t so bad. I don’t miss my husband all that much. And I’m kind of worried about that. Because I do want to save my marriage. I think that divorcing would ultimately be detrimental to my children and they are what is most important to me. Is my marriage over if I don’t miss him? Does this mean that I am better off without him?” I will try to address these questions in the following article.
Sometimes You Don’t Miss Your Spouse Because It Is A Relief To Be Rid Of All Of The Conflict: There’s no denying that things can be pretty bad in your marriage and within your household right before you actually separate. This can be an extremely difficult time where it feels as if everything is immediate and awful. So when the separation actually happens, and you hear peace and quiet for the first time in a very long time, it can understandably be quite a relief. It can feel like an improvement or an upgrade. But it’s possible that in this situation, it’s not that you do not miss your husband. It’s that you do not miss the drama and you sort of like the independence. Time will usually give you a little more perspective on this. And many people find that once the novelty of the separation wears off and the silence contributes to loneliness instead of bliss, then they actually do begin to miss their spouse.
Give Yourself Some Time To Determine Your Wishes Before You Declare That You Don’t Miss Him: It’s very normal for both spouses to want to know how the other is faring during the separation. It wouldn’t be uncommon for your husband to ask how you are feeling. Some wives will want to be brutally honest and announce that you aren’t missing him at all. But I would caution you to consider delaying this. As I’ve alluded to before, your feelings do sometimes evolve and change during this process. And there is really no sense in saying something that might hurt your spouse when you aren’t sure how you may feel tomorrow.
I think that it’s a better choice to tell your spouse that you and the kids are coping relatively well and that you are taking things as they come. It’s OK to tell him that it’s a relief not to have the conflict, as long as you understand that it’s totally possible to learn to erase the conflict and still maintain your marriage. Yes, there is a history of conflict in the past. But this can actually be the stimulus to remove that conflict for the sake of your family. And this can be true regardless of what happens with your marriage. That can only be beneficial to you.
Allow This To Be The Nudge That Allows You To Improve Things For The Sake Of Your Family: Many people will feel extremely guilty that they don’t miss their spouse. There’s a real risk in shutting down and retreating. I believe that this is the worst thing that you can do. Not missing your spouse is an indicator that there is some relief in being alone because being together had some real negatives. Allow this to be the stepping off point to make some improvements that are going to improve your family life moving forward. This will only benefit you and your children regardless of whether you want to save your marriage or not. The relationship with your children’s father is going to be vitally important for the rest of the children’s lives.
Even if you don’t ultimately save your marriage, there are always improvements that can be made. And sometimes separating allows both of you to calm down and see things quite differently. But to answer the question posed, not missing your spouse during a trial separation doesn’t always mean that you no longer love him or that your marriage is over. But it can be an indication that it’s been a relief to be free from the conflict. And it can help to use this as a stepping off point to erase the conflict once and for all.
Frankly, I missed my husband very much during our separation. But, he did not miss me. I’m very grateful that he didn’t allow this to contribute to him walking away from our marriage. We are still together today because he agreed to work with me to save our marriage. And I don’t think either of us regret that today. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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