Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are first married, you often feel closer to your spouse than anyone else. When something happens in your life, your spouse is the first person in whom you want to confide. When you need support, it is your spouse on whom you want to lean. And this is the way that it should be. Your spouse should be your emotional rock and vice versa. Sometimes though, as time goes by, this feeling starts to wane. And it’s a common concern as to how to get it back.

A wife might say: “last week, my husband lost his job, his car broke down, and he had to put his beloved cat to sleep. This was all very devastating to him. And I was there for him. Because I know that this is my job as his spouse. But I have to be honest. I just wasn’t feeling much of anything. I went through the motions. I comforted him. But deep down, I just wasn’t feeling it. My husband is not a bad person. He is a good person. And he hasn’t really done anything to deserve this type of apathy from me. Normally, I am a compassionate person. If this had happened to one of my close friends, I would have felt it deeply. So I just do not understand it. Why do I not feel emotionally attached to him? And what can I do about it?”

Well, I could only speculate. I certainly don’t know your husband or the history of your marriage. And I’m by no means an expert on this topic. But a couple of things might be possible.

Examine Your Marriage For A Cool Down: First, has anything happened in your marriage to cool things down between you? It does not have to be a big thing. It can honestly just be the passage of time. Or, it maybe something that hasn’t even registered with you but that, deep down, you feel a little resentful about.

I ask because often, when we lose our emotional connection, we find ourselves being a bit indifferent or apathetic towards our spouse. And since we sometimes don’t see this all that clearly ourselves, we typically don’t confront our spouse. Instead, we pull back in passive / aggressive ways, like not feeling empathy or much positive emotions where they are concerned.

I bring this up because if you can pinpoint what the issue might be, then you can address it. Once it’s fixed, you might find that your emotional connection and your empathy comes back.

Emotional Exercises Meant To Elicit Empathy And Emotional Closeness: Another thing that you might try is some exercises meant to elicit empathy. One way to do that is to feel gratitude. It’s very hard to feel indifferent to someone when you feel gratitude for them. So, take a moment and list all of the things that your husband has been or meant to you. List all of the times he did something for you even when he didn’t have to or even when it took something away from himself. List his thoughtfulness, his wonderful attributes, and why you are glad that he is yours.

One other way to bring about a feeling of connectedness is to put yourself in his shoes. Think for a second about how you would feel is your lost your job and a beloved pet all in one week. You’d likely be devastated and you would feel that the whole world is rising up to punish or hurt you. And imagine if during this dark time, you sensed that your spouse was only going through the motions.

I don’t tell you this to make you feel guilty. I tell you this because I believe that putting yourself in this place will allow you to feel. And once you do feel, that emotional connection might be almost automatic.

Understand The Dangers Of Complacency: I’d like to make one final point. What you are going through is relatively common. When you see the same person day after day and you witness their life played out right in front of you, it takes more to get your attention. Because after a while, you have seen it all.

This isn’t any one’s fault, but you have to work to keep this at bay. That means keeping your marriage fresh so that you can look at your spouse with a fresh set of eyes and a genuine set of emotions. Do whatever is necessary to shake up your marriage and to keep things connected. Sometimes, this means stepping out of comfort zone and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. This can feel a bit scary, but the pay off is worth it.

Because indifference can be a real problem. I prefer to hear people say that they are furious with their spouse than that they are indifferent. When you are furious or hurt, at least you are feeling something. But if you are indifferent, then that’s potentially problematic. And you need to experience and feel your emotions, even if those emotions are negative.

It’s hard to react and then to fix things if you aren’t sure what you’re feeling. Take some quiet time to get clear on what you truly feel and then do some exercises to elicit gratitude and empathy to see if you can get the feelings of connectedness to return.

Honestly, once I finally noticed and acknowledged my husband’s indifference to me, I knew we had a real problem.  We did separate for a time and almost divorced.  That’s why I’d highly recommend dealing with this right now. You can read more of my story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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