Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  It’s tricky when you know that your marriage is potentially in trouble, but you can’t talk to your spouse about the same.  You aren’t wanting to bring up your issues to cause problems or to end your marriage.  You want to bring up your issues so that you can save your marriage.  But your spouse doesn’t see it this way.

Because every time you try to bring up the issues in the hopes of coming up with a plan to fix them, your spouse gets defensive or argumentative.  So while your intention was to help your marriage, the result is that you have started a fight and now have an angry spouse – both of which are unfortunately hurting your marriage even more.  You start to wonder if you should just stop bringing it up at all because every time you try, he turns it around on you and twists your words into a weapon.

A wife might say: “for the last two years, my husband and I have stopped communicating effectively.  As a result, we have become distant from one another.  He seems to make his friends a priority over me.  And much of the time, I don’t feel like I can go to him with my concerns because he always acts as if my feelings aren’t valid or that I am just inventing problems.  He turns my words around to make it sound like I’m being critical or am overreacting. When I try to stress that these are real problems that might only grow, he gets angry.  When I try to bring his attention to the fact that this whole process is deteriorating our marriage, we end up in a big fight and he accuses me of creating drama.  It is getting to the point where I am scared to open my mouth for fear of him misunderstanding me or my speaking up causing problems.  The great irony is that the whole reason I want to say something is that I actually care about my husband and I want to make my marriage better.  But he simply can not see this. How can I get him to acknowledge our issues without causing fights that will deteriorate our marriage?”

I think that you are right in your determination to be heard. I know first hand that just giving up and ignoring marital problems seems to make them multiply and intensify.  Not addressing my marital problems almost ended up in a painful separation for me, so I would never encourage anyone to give up and ignore what is right in front of them. We eventually reconciled with a new, better marriage, but I wish this could have been avoided.

Of course, being heard is easier said than done.  When you have a spouse who not only does not cooperate but twists your intentions and then becomes angry, your challenge intensifies.  I think that you have a couple of options here.  You can attempt to change the delivery of your message – in the hopes that it will be received more favorably.  You can try to change things on your own and completely cut him out of the equation. Or, you can completely take the message out of your own hands and allow a professional to deliver it.  Let’s look at all options.

Option One: Changing The Tone Of The Delivery: First, you can try to deliver the message in a different way.  So many of us try to have these talks when we are angry or when the issue comes up.  This is understandable, but it is not really effective because your spouse is in no condition to receive the message.  He’s much more likely to become defensive and to tune you out. It’s actually more effective if you bring these matters up when things are going well.  If you and your spouse have a wonderful time together, you might comment that this is exactly why you want to work out those issues – because you want MORE of the good times.  Your spouse is less likely to hear what you are saying as a complaint because you’ve carefully chosen a time when your message might be received. My grandmother always said you get more flies with honey than vinegar.  This is the same idea.

The conversation would be something like:  “I love it when I feel close to you like this.  And when I bring up our issues, it’s actually because I want more of this.  It isn’t because I’m unhappy or that I’m being critical.  It’s that I want us to be happy and feel connected as often as possible and I think that we can do that if we can just work on a few things.  Can we agree on that?”

Option Two: Making Some Of The Changes On Your Own First: If you’ve tried this and it hasn’t worked or you strongly suspect that it won’t work, then you might try making some changes on your own first.  For example, look at the issue and see if any changes that you alone can make might improve it.  Often, if you can show your husband that positive change is possible and doesn’t require many sacrifices from him, he will be more receptive because you’ve already shown him how easy and effective change can be with your own example.  This also makes it seem less like a complaint or criticism because you aren’t asking him to do anything that you yourself have not already done.

Option Three:  Taking It Out Of Your Own Hands And Into The Hands Of A Professional: Finally, if you are sure that your husband won’t be receptive to any of these issues when they come from you, then you can always let someone else deliver the message.  Counseling works well for this.  Because he can get annoyed at the counselor and not you, and yet the message is still getting delivered and you are still hopefully getting the change that you want.  I know that this is the last resort for many. That is why it never hurts to try the first two options first.

Unfortunately, I know all of the above from a difficult experience.  My tiptoeing around our issues ensured we ended up separated.  And it was a hard road back to one another.  But we eventually made it. The whole story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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