Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives become very desperate to get their husbands to pay attention (and to take action) when the marriage is in real trouble. When it’s clear that it will something drastic to bring about real change, wives sometimes resort to threats or bluffs to get our husbands to finally stand up and pay attention. Most of us know that this is a risky move as we’re doing it. So while it’s not surprising when it blows up in our face, it’s no less devastating. One example is the wife who asks her husband to leave or to move out, with the sole goal of scaring him into finally taking some action. She doesn’t actually want him to leave. But many husbands will either leave or react very badly. So now the wife either has to double down on her request or come clean about her bluff.

She might explain, “my husband and I have been at each other’s throats lately. It’s been very tough for us for nearly three months. I’ve asked him to meet me halfway. I’ve asked him to go to counseling. I’ve tried to be overly accommodating so he wouldn’t have to do as much giving as I’m doing. No matter what I suggest, he will not cooperate. And he makes no secret about how unhappy he is with our marriage. It seems that every single day, I have to hear him comment about how he’s tired of living this way. Or he’ll sarcastically insult me under this breath. I got very frustrated this weekend. And I responded back with, ‘I heard what you said. If you’re that unhappy, you should move out. Because I’m at a loss as to how to fix your misery.’ He looked at me as though I’d slapped his face, and he finally said, ‘I’ll move on next weekend.’ Since then, he has refused to say a single word to me. I’ve tried to ask him basic questions or begin simple exchanges, and he either acts as if he doesn’t hear me or he rolls his eyes and ignores me. I honestly didn’t want him to move out. I wanted to scare him so he’d be inspired to actually do some work and make things better between us. Now, things are worse. I don’t know what to do. Do I have to beg him to interact with me now and continue to live with his unhappiness and our struggling marriage? That’s assuming that I can talk him out of moving out.”

I don’t think that you necessarily have to do both of these things. But I do think you need to vow to speak plainly from now on. And I think you need to be honest about your motivations. Once you break this ice, I think that you can actually improve your marriage if you hit the true issues rather than tap dancing around them.  When you approach your problems with gradual honesty, it’s not so scary to actually address them so that you won’t need to try to threaten your spouse into compliance.

Understanding That Negative Strategies Yield Negative Results: I understand why you tried to scare your husband. I tried similar strategies when my marriage began to crumble. And honestly? These strategies yielded a separation rather than an improvement. By doubling down with threats, shaming, and guilt, my husband only pulled away more and cooperated less. We ultimately separated and I believe that we were very close to divorce. Coming at a husband with negativity will often just cause him to pull away when what you really want is to pull him closer. It wasn’t until I completely changed my strategy that I saved my marriage.

Coming Clean But Pushing Forward: As I alluded to, I do think that you need to be honest about your motivations. But this doesn’t mean that you have to accept that your marriage will never change or improve. You just need to figure out a more positive way to approach this.

The next time your husband is in your path, try something like this. “Can I talk to you for a minute? I was trying to get your attention by asking you to move out. This was wrong of me, but I was frustrated that our marriage seems to be deteriorating, but yet, nothing is changing. I was trying to inspire some change when I asked you to move out. I honestly didn’t think that you would. I hoped that you would tell me that you didn’t want to move out, and would work with me to save our marriage. I went about this the wrong way.  I understand why you haven’t wanted to talk to me. But let’s regroup. Carrying this anger isn’t getting us anywhere.”

When You Are Able, Methodically But Gradually Address The Core Issues Rather Than Trying To Fix Everything At Once: It’s very important to understand why many husbands drag their feet when we ask for their help in saving our marriage. Many of us present it in ways that don’t sound very exciting. Understandably, many of us mention counseling. Unfortunately, husbands will often shut down at this suggestion, especially at first. They envision a long, painful, costly process that may not even yield good results. But rather than offer a compromise, they’ll distance themselves or begin to tune you out.

I learned that you are much better off making small, painless attempts to just improve the dynamic between you. Because you can’t make much progress when your husband is uncooperative and sarcastic. Until you bridge that gap, you can’t address any difficult issues successfully.

So begin by trying to lash out at each other less and laugh more. This sounds easy, but it most definitely might not be when the atmosphere in your house is tense. You may have to let some things go. You may have to create an upbeat attitude when you don’t feel very upbeat. But I promise, if you can lighten the rapport between you, your job becomes so much easier.

Use Your Knowledge Of Your Husband To Find An Acceptable Pace: I know this may seem difficult, but use what you have. You know your husband. You know how he acts in good times and in bad. What behavior does he most respond to? What activities and conversations does he consider fun? When can he never say no?

I know that it may seem confusing that I’m telling you to have fun and laugh when you have serious problems to address. And you will have to address them. But you are much more likely to have success when you feel empathy for and are connecting with your husband.

You are simply paving the way for change by starting with the easiest tasks first.

Of course, as you are able, you will need to methodically make the changes that will improve your marriage. But do this very gradually. Back up when things get tense and then move forward as they improve.

This method feeds off positive progress rather than negative threats. As a result, most husbands are much more likely to cooperate.

I think that you can undo the damage of trying to scare your husband. After that, you’ll want to regroup and come at this with more positivity. I understand exactly how desperation makes you try the negative play. But I also know that it can destroy marriages.  It almost destroyed mine.  You can read about how I turned this around at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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