Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who feel some regret about forcing their spouse to leave or to move out. Often, this request felt very right or satisfying at the time, but now it just feel hasty and wrong. Most of the time, this decision was made in the heat of the moment and, in hindsight, it’s easy to see the flaws in it. But, once your spouse has actually left, this can feel like a mistake that might have long term consequences.

You might hear a comment like: “my husband and I had a huge misunderstanding last month. We had been arguing for several months about his job. He wanted to take a higher position that required more travel and more of a time commitment and I didn’t want him to do this. It would have meant more money, but not enough additional money for the hit that our family life would take because of it. I honestly knew that my husband was annoyed that I didn’t support him in this, but I figured that he would get over it. Well, last month, my husband came home and announced that he had taken the job without discussing it with me. He said that when he went to tell his boss he was leaning toward turning it down, his boss started to make him feel as if his current job might be in jeopardy if he refused to ‘grow with the company.’ When my husband told me this, I lost it and told him that I felt completely disrespected and betrayed. I would never ever commit to traveling away from my family for weeks at a time without discussing it with my spouse. Then, a huge argument erupted over this because my husband said that I don’t appreciate how hard he works and that I don’t understand all of the stress that he is under being our family’s main breadwinner. We both said mean things to one another and I told my husband to get out because I didn’t want a husband who didn’t see us as one unit that made decisions together. I kind of expected for my husband to resist and to tell me to calm down. But, he didn’t do that. He packed a bag and told me that he agreed that we weren’t compatible when it came to our careers and he left. Now that I have had weeks to calm down, I realize that I was wrong. I saw my husband out with friends last night and my heart just ached. I want him back. I want him to come home. He was cordial to me, but he didn’t linger. He said hello and then went on his way. My heart is broken over this. How do I tell him that I was wrong? What if he’s so angry he never comes back?”

I really felt this wife’s concern. This isn’t an uncommon situation. It’s normal to calm down only after your strong emotions have already caused some damage. And yet, you don’t want to look like a weak person when you go and beg your spouse to just ignore every thing that you’ve said, especially since some of your points may have had some real validity and may have been very important to you.

My feeling on this situation is to try to have an upbeat conversation and then to simply tell your spouse where and how you were wrong. Generally, his reaction and his response will tell you where he wants to take the next step. So you might start out by calling him and asking him if you can buy him dinner or a cup of coffee. It’s better to have this conversation in person, if possible. But if you have to have the conversation over the phone, that’s better than not having the conversation at all.

Then, you might want to say something like “I’ve had time to think about the last time we saw each other. I owe you a bit of an apology. I still feel very hurt that you didn’t discuss your decision with me before you communicated it to your boss. But, I regret the actions that I took. I was wrong to be so dramatic about it. I was just shocked that we didn’t have a chance to discuss it first. I hope that you will accept my apology. Kicking you out insinuated that you maliciously tried to hurt or disrespect me. And, looking back on it, I don’t think that’s true. I wish that you had made a different decision, but I know that you weren’t trying to hurt me.”

Then, wait for his response. He may say that he’s also sorry. This might lead to one of you saying that you miss the other and the conversation might naturally flow to him coming back home. Or, he may tell you that he needs time to think. I can’t predict what he might say. But at least you will have spoken from the heart and will have been honest with him about what you feel and about the apology that you think he deserves.

If and when he’s receptive to you again, try very hard to address the issues that lead  to this blow up in the first place. You don’t want to leave issues until they reach the point where one or both of you explodes or overreacts. Sometimes, this is a slow process because your marriage is already a little shaky from him leaving.

Move slowly and go at the pace that the situation allows for. Show him that your marriage is important enough to you to put in the effort for both of you to do a little better. If he’s reluctant or resistant to coming back home, then just try to improve your relationship a little at a time.

I think that it’s vital to admit when you are wrong.  If I had done this, perhaps I could have avoided separating in the first place.  I was able to save my marriage, but in a perfect world, I would have completely avoided a separation.  You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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