Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, we have a bit of a warning period before our spouse actually pursues a separation. He tells us that he isn’t happy and that he thinks he needs some time away. Perhaps he has to take a few days to find an apartment. So, we sometimes have time to brace ourselves before the actual separation takes place.  Often, during this time period, we hope that things are not going to be as bad as we fear. We pray that our husband will actually be sweet during the separation and will very quickly come to realize that he misses us. Sure, he may obviously be struggling, but maybe the separation will make things more clear to him. Perhaps he will realize how lucky he is to have a wife who is patient and supportive during this time.

This is the hope. But it is not always the reality. Some wives are left to struggle with a husband who isn’t always sweet and who is not at all consistent in his behaviors. And this can be incredibly frustrating.

A wife might say: “I am honestly so frustrated with my separated husband. He is acting like a spoiled, sulky child. He needed time, so I gave it to him. I helped him find an apartment and I encouraged him and told him that I hoped things got better for him. The understanding was that we would meet often for dinner to stay connected. Now he’s too busy every time I ask to see him. He cuts every conversation short. When I am asking him if he’s enjoying his space, he tells me that no, he is not, but that he feels it is what he has to do. So he’s not happy without his space and he is not happy with it. He seems to think that every one should just expect for their lives to be perfect. And if they are not, then they need to take drastic measures like taking a break from a perfectly good marriage. There’s no making him happy. And meanwhile, he pulls further and further away from me. It is so very frustrating. I find myself getting very angry with him and I know that I shouldn’t because I really do want my marriage back. How do I deal with this frustration?”

I think that one of the hardest things to do during a martial separation is to understand and accept that things often do change. When your husband is acting this way, you will often assume that he is always going to act this way – without any change. It’s easy to assume this when we’re feeling so discouraged But sometimes, out of the blue, improvements come. People’s feelings change as they have that time they’ve asked for. It’s normal for both people to struggle during the separation. It’s also normal for them to change their minds.

Part of trying to diminish the frustration is to understand that your husband may not act this way forever. Better days may be ahead. In the meantime, it’s important to try to distract yourself with other things so that you are not so focused on your frustration.

My experience is that sometimes, the best thing you can do is keep giving him his space and not push, not be judgmental, and not announce just how frustrating his behavior truly is.  In his eyes, this may make you seem accusatory and it may make him even more distant from you.

When I experienced this, I decided to back off for a while. My husband and I have mutual male friends, so I made sure that someone would be there to offer his support while I gave him space. I figured that, since he really didn’t want my support during that particular time, I could make it clear that I was there if he needed me, but I arranged to have a close friends of his step up to take on that supporting role.  My husband was much more willing to spend time with those friends than with me. And at least I knew he was in good hands.  I got a break from my frustration and he got a break from my pressure.

Even though we have reconciled, I still look back and believe his behavior was particularly frustrating during that time. He pushed me away and then seemed to get angry at me for it. However, to be fair, I probably was not on my best behavior either. I was clingy and always questioning him at a time when he was trying to sort things out for himself.

My point is, none of us are at our best during a separation.  Sometimes, one or both of you seems to need a break and at that time, potentially the best thing to do is to back away a little and try again at a time when your husband may be more receptive.

As I said before, although I know that right now, it may seem as if your husband is always going to be confused and frustrating, things may well get better as emotions calm down and you are both able to see things a little more clearly. Sometimes, that process does take more time than we would like.

My separation honestly seemed to take forever.  But better times were ahead.  I just had to stick it out and hang in there.   You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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