Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If I were to ask most people to envision the process of fixing a marriage, I think that many would describe a very lengthy and painful process which requires both spouses be present and motivated. Most people picture two spouses in a counseling room over and over again over a long period of time. Tears are shed. Breakthroughs are made. The road is bumpy at times but, with a lot of hard work, the marriage is saved and the couple survives.

In actuality, this is how it happens sometimes. But not always. And the problem with that mental image is that people who have spouses who are reluctant to fix or save their marriage in the traditional way can think that their marriage is doomed. It is a common belief that it takes two very active people to fix a marriage. Unfortunately, many people firmly believe that if BOTH people aren’t one hundred percent committed, then there is nothing you can do.

I do not believe this. I am biased though. In my own case, my husband wanted absolutely nothing to do with the marriage saving process. He was not going to lift a finger to help me. And yet, we are still married today. I am not going to tell you that he did not eventually get with the program because he did. But initially, he wanted no part of it. I had to break through his initial reservations and this took a while. But I believe that my situation is by no means unique.

Here’s a typical situation that a wife might describe: ” my marriage has become pretty bad. I can’t tell you what our core problem is because every disagreement seems to become yet another problem. All my husband and I seem to do is to fight. We can not talk like normal adults and then things get out of hand and we are angry at each other. My husband says that we have become like oil and water and that our marriage has become too toxic to save. I disagree. We have neighbors that did some counseling and they learned how to fight in a different way so that they actually solve their problems rather than fight about them. I don’t see why my husband and I can’t learn the same skills. And I know that the love is still there. It’s just that we don’t seem to known how to relate to each other anymore. I want so badly to fix my marriage, but I’m not sure how I can do it when he’s so reluctant.”

I felt this way also. But I’ve learned that you have to roll up your sleeves and get to work with the resources you have available. Right now, what you have available to you is your own willingness. And that’s a valuable asset.

Start With What You Can Control: Ideally, you will want to start with what is easiest. You want to start where you know that you can have some control and therefore some success. The person you can control right now is you. Nothing says that you can’t learn conflict resolution and model it. Having one spouse that can pause the conflict and try to move it toward resolution rather than more conflict can’t help but make things better. And honestly, when things get better, your husband is much more likely to come around, especially when he sees that this isn’t a lost cause.

Understand The Core Of His Reluctance: What is the number one reason that people feel reluctant about anything? Fear of failure. Most of us fear that we will put in a lot of effort for nothing and this keeps many of us from even stepping up to the plate. Men who are reluctant to save their marriages envision themselves with a tissue on a counselor’s couch opening themselves up to strangers and spending a lot of money in the process. I’ve had men communicate to me that the only people successful in the saving marriage business are counselors and attorneys. This is often the attitude that you have to overcome, but you will have more success when you show him your point  instead of telling him about your point. Instead of telling him that he’s wrong, just show him that he is.

Progress Will Usually Open His Mind A Bit: When you change yourself, your perceptions, and your behaviors, you will usually feel a shift in your marriage and that shift will lead to noticeable improvements. The goal is that eventually, your husband will see these improvements and realize that you haven’t wasted your time and money. You’re actually seeing results and you’ve not gone through a painful and expensive process. He looks around and he realizes that his life is easier and his marriage is a good deal better.

This is usually the start of him overcoming his reluctance and opening himself up to really trying and believing that your marriage isn’t as far gone as he thought.

Overcoming Your Own Fear Of Failure: Sometimes when I explain the above to people, I can literally see or hear the light bulb going off. I can see that they are just beginning to dare to hope and yet, I can almost feel them pulling back on the reigns.  Because I’m seeing or hearing their own reluctance and their own fear of failure.

Every one is afraid to fail and to feel rejected. That is why, sometimes even when we truly want to save our marriage, we stop short because we don’t want to be the only one. In this case, you have to just tell yourself that if you are successful initially, you will not be the only one for long.

And if you allow your fear of failure to keep you from those initial first steps, then your behavior is mirroring your husband’s. Someone has to be that brave person who just starts. What is the worst thing that can happen? You failed? Well, in that case you wouldn’t have lost much because you’d be in the same position in you are in now. And at least you will now that you didn’t surrender something as precious as your marriage without a fight.

And you just might be successful. All because you will willing to take that first step alone.

I am glad that I took that first step. I was determined to save my marriage when every one (including my husband) was telling me that I was wasting my time.  I’m glad I didn’t listen because we’re still married today and he no longer thinks that is a waste of time.  I know that firsthand. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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