Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  It’s an awful feeling when you know that your husband may want to change the course of your marriage.  It’s so heart wrenching to know that while you are sitting there alone, your husband might be somewhere deciding if you are going to stay together or separate.  You feel hopeless to do anything about it.  And it’s very easy to assume the worst. Plus, it can be a huge challenge to fill the time in constructive ways when you feel anything but positive during the waiting.

A wife might explain: “I will admit that I haven’t been the perfect wife.  I am sometimes moody and self centered.  I can be hard to live with.  I have been trying to improve this but I suppose I am too late.  Last week, my husband and I got in a huge fight and he told me that living with me is like riding a roller coaster every day and he said he doesn’t think that he can live this way anymore.  I told him that I have actively been working on making changes.  And he said that if our fight was any indication, then it appears that whatever I am doing is not working.  He said he felt he needed some distance from me and he’s staying with his mom.  That was a week ago.  I talked to him last night and I asked him where we went from here.  He told me that he was coming to a decision about what he wanted to do with our marriage.  I can’t say that I’m completely blindsided by this.  I knew when he left that things were bad because he’s never left before.  But I am really struggling.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  The thought that he is pondering not being married to me anymore feels so awful to me.  All I can do is sit here and wonder.  I wonder what is thinking at that very instant.  I cry alone at home.  I pull out all photos and get sad all over again.  I don’t have much else to do in the evenings so I go to bed early.  And then I dream.  Seriously, I know that I need to break this cycle because it’s making me feel awful.  But I don’t know how.  I feel like I am going crazy while I wait for his decision.  I don’t dare tell him this.  But it’s true.”

I know this feeling.  I experienced it too. I also know that this feeling sad can become a habit.  And I know that your mindset can make things seem more bleak than they actually are.  I also understand knowing intellectually that you have to pull yourself out of it, but feeling like you are almost helpless to do so.

I will share with you what helped me to get myself out of it.  And frankly, I almost had to do this by self force.  Because it is so easy to sit in your home and let the feelings wash over you when it feels so hard to put one foot in front of the other.  But this is exactly what you must do.

Regular Accountability: Try to commit to doing something regularly so that you are accountable when you don’t.  To me, it seems that finding a counselor would be a perfect solution here.  It was pointed out that the wife wanted to change some things. Not only would a counselor help you do that, but she could also give you someplace regular to be and she’d likely give you homework from one session to the next which would mean you’d have something to fill some of the time.

If counseling isn’t possible, find some self help with assignments and things which must be done from one chapter to the next chapter.   If one isn’t enough to keep your busy then get more than one.

A Carefully Chosen Support System: Next, it is very helpful to surround yourself with supportive people who are going to help you with these goals.  I also think it’s important to carefully chose these folks.  I have plenty of friends, but I only had some friends who I wanted around me during my separation.  I didn’t want the friends who would encourage me to date or to go out during all hours of the night.  I didn’t want the friends who had recently divorced and who were going to knock the institution of marriage in general.  I didn’t want the family members who were going to tell me that they never liked my husband.  I wanted the friends who understood my need for self growth and who simply cared about my well being.

Once you’ve pinpointed which friends are going to be the most appropriately supportive, have a standing date with them.  Meet them at regular times at regular places and know that they will call you on it if you try to weasel out of it. Finally, fill your days with things that you not only enjoy, but that will elevate your mood.  For me, I started working out again.  I got outside to walk and listen to music.  Because I knew if I sat at home I would just feel sad.

Often, when you take advantage of the time away from your husband to genuinely work on yourself, this may help with his decision because he sees that you are sincere about any changes. I almost didn’t mention that because I don’t want getting out and working on yourself to be only about presenting an image to your husband.  I want it to be about elevating yourself.

I know that it is difficult.  I know that sometimes, it will feel like you are forcing yourself to do something that you do not want to do.  But it is very important to not get into the habit of isolating yourself and feeling sad and hopeless.  Not only is this not good for you, but it is not good for your marriage either.  And when you feel crazy and out of control, that it when it is most important for you to get a sense of control.  For me, the best way to do this was to establish regular routines where I was putting myself out there and doing healthy things for myself.  You can read more about my struggles and my triumphs on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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