Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Often, when you are separated, you spend a great deal of time wondering what it is going to take to get your spouse to agree to a reconciliation. You wonder what their thought process might need to be and what you can do to get them to start thinking the thoughts that are going to bring them home.

This process isn’t always easy, but it’s more doable if you have a spouse who is somewhat agreeable and easy going. But, if you have a spouse with a stubborn streak, then you could have a bit more of a challenge.

A wife might explain: “my husband is a very stubborn person. He has it in his head that we have grown apart and he has decided that he deserves some time to spend on himself. So he packed up his stuff and he left me with the kids even though I offered him multiple compromises and promised him that I would be the one making the concessions if he stayed. None of this mattered in any way to him. When my husband makes a decision, there is often no going back. I have told him that we have a marriage that most people envy. No, we are not perfect but no couple, and no marriage, is perfect. I feel that if we just prioritized our marriage a little more, we really could be happy. But he will not hear of this. And it is clear that he wants to do the separation his way because every time I suggest that he comes over to eat dinner or that we meet up for a family movie, he’s clearly annoyed that I am trying to make the decisions and the suggestions. My big worry about this whole thing is that when my husband decides on something, then that is basically it. He stubbornness is legendary. He is a person who never ever admits that he is wrong. So I feel like even if he begins to get lonely and even if he realizes that he has been unfair and unyielding, it is not really going to matter. He is going to be too stubborn to admit that he is wrong.”

I absolutely understand why you are concerned about this. I had the same concerns and this thought process is a very common one. People can be very prideful during a separation, with every one wanting to “save face.”  Both spouses can wonder if they look week or desperate if they are the one who reaches out or who blinks first. But it might help to know that very often, in time, these things don’t matter so much anymore. Even the proudest of people are sometimes worn down by the mental and emotional strain during a separation.

Why He May Still Come Around: You’d be surprised at how this encourages people to compromise when they were reluctant to do so before and to make some concessions that never would have been considered months ago. Why does this happen? Because when you are by yourself for a while, you gain perspective. You miss your spouse and you realize that all the self righteousness in the world is not going to keep you warm at night.

One day, your husband might ask himself: “what good is all of this going to be when I’m a lonely old man who is all alone holding onto his ideals? What good will it do me in the end?” People often decide that the need to be right isn’t serving them anymore. They decide that they would rather be happy and connected with the person they love than right and bitter and all alone.

Give Him An Easy Out Or A Way To “Save Face:” With all of the above said, some people are still a bit reluctant to give into these feelings simply because they don’t want it to appear that they are caving or “giving in.” That is why it is very important to give your husband an easy out. Make sure he knows that you are not going to make any harsh judgements about this. Make sure he knows that there will be no phrases like: “I told you so,” and “this is what I have been saying all along but you were too stubborn to hear it.”

Make sure he knows that there will be no score keeping or judgements throughout this process. You may even concede that you can understand why he felted the need to take a break. In the end, it really doesn’t matter who was right or wrong. It’s only about bringing this to a positive resolution so that a family can heal. If you take this attitude and show your husband that you are looking for a resolution and you don’t care about anyone’s stance, then he will be more likely to follow your lead.

He may surprise you and let down his stubbornness. Or, you may have to approach him with patience and acceptance so that he knows that you won’t point out his mistakes and the pain that his attitude has caused. Every one has to look at the big picture. The past and who did what to put you here doesn’t matter all that much. What really matters is how you move on from this and get your family back together.

I’ve noticed that after a while of being separated people often come to understand this. But if he doesn’t, then you may have to gently nudge him toward that way of thinking.  I definitely had to give my own husband an easy out when he started to change his level of receptiveness toward me during our separation.  I let it be known that the resolution was more important than how we got there.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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