Leslie Cane Articles

I sometimes hear from wives whose sole purpose in life at the moment is getting their husband back.  Sometimes, he’s left them.  Other times he’s asked for a break or space.  Sometimes he has already filed for a divorce.  Whatever the reason for his being gone, the wives who contact me don’t want to accept this and are looking for ways to get back together with him.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I’m absolutely desperate to get back together with my husband.  He moved out three months ago.  I had hoped he’d be back by now, but he isn’t.  He hasn’t told me he’s never coming back or anything like that, but he doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to do so.  He seems pretty happy with the way things are.  I’m afraid that he’s going to meet someone else and eventually want to divorce me.   He’s already starting to go out more and pretty much exclude me from his life.  Occasionally, he’ll reach out to me, but mostly it’s me doing all of the work to make sure I stay in his life.  I just have this awful feeling that someday soon, he’s going to tell me that it’s over between us and there’s no turning back.  What can I do when I’m desperate to get him back, but nothing seems to be working?”  I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

When You’re Desperate To Get Your Husband Back, There’s A Risk That You Will Do All The Wrong Things Out Of Fear:  I’m not saying this to be mean.  I’m saying this from experience. When you become desperate, your thought process and your actions speed up.  So you aren’t often thinking very much before you take action.  And, because this action is often fueled by fear, it’s often the wrong action to take.

It’s very easy to lose control of yourself in this situation.  You may well know that you’re sort of loosing it and driving him further away, but you can’t seem to stop yourself because you’re so afraid to back off even a tiny little bit because you don’t want to release the grip you think is the only thing that’s going to keep him with you.

The thing is, a woman who is holding on this tightly and appearing this desperate often isn’t seen as attractive.  Sure, you might elicit some pity.  Yes, you might get a reaction.  But I’m pretty certain it isn’t going to be the kind of reaction that you want.

And here’s another thing to consider.  Your husband will likely grow to dislike always feeling pity or guilt or pressure when he interacts with you.  As a result, he may want to stop the interaction all together to avoid these negative feelings.  So in that way, you make getting back together less likely rather than more likely.

Getting Back Together With Your Husband Requires More Than Just Desperately Wanting It To Happen.  You Have To Know What He Really Wants And Then Make Sure He Knows You Can Provide It:  I know that when you’re in this type of situation, sometimes your thought process gets derailed.  I know this because I went through this myself and struggled ALOT.

Sometimes we think if we just hyper focus on the goal (getting back together with him) and we work really hard, then he will eventually see how invested we are and how much we want this and he’ll come around.

This is flawed thinking. Men typically do not respond favorably to this tactic.  They usually want out even more when you are laying it on this thickly.  So rather than focusing only on what YOU want and what it’s going to take to make you feel better, you will often be more successful if you consider what HE wants also. Then, you must figure out a way to ensure that you both get what you want in a way that looks and feels genuine.

Because frankly, in order to get back together with your husband, he has to know that he will be able to get what he wants in order to be happy.  It can’t be an either / or situation.  If going back to you means making concessions or compromises that he just isn’t willing to or doesn’t want to make, then he may well choose not to come back at all.

So your goal is to show him that you he CAN be happy and still be with you.  But if you are acting in desperate ways and only so hyper focused on making him see things your way so that you get what YOU want while he’s making the concessions, then he’s not likely to think that he can both be happy and be with you at the same time.

In order to do this, you have to know what he REALLY wants.  What was he seeking when he left or asked for space?  What did he feel if couldn’t get if he remained with you?  This truly is the million dollar question and I can’t answer it for you.  But I can tell you that many men who visit my marriage blog tell me that want some breathing room.  They need time to think.

So if you approach him as someone who wants to make him feel even more restricted and always wants to be around when he’s trying to take that time he wanted, then how is really going to see you?  He’s going to see you as someone who is standing in the way of what he really wants.

And, along those same lines, rather than wanting to get back together with you (and get more of the same) he’s more likely to want to stay away from you – which is not what you’re trying to accomplish.

Trying To Get Back Together With Your Husband (While Ditching The Desperation Act:)  I will tell you right now that almost overwhelmingly, the women who email me and tell me that they got their husbands back also tell me that they very deliberately portrayed confidence.  They decided to ditch the desperation act and instead portray themselves from a point of strength rather than from a place of weakness.

This usually makes a HUGE difference.  Now, I know it’s difficult to pretend that you’re confident when you’re anything but that.  However, this is very important.  To get him back, you must seem attractive to him.  You can’t do that if you’re appearing scared, desperate, and clingy.

This was very hard for me in my own attempt to get my husband back. I eventually flew to my hometown to stay with friends.  My husband got curious and this gave me some ground work on which to build.  Of course at that point, I had to play it very carefully but this honestly made all of the difference.

Because I changed from a person focused on fear to person focused on real change.  And I portrayed myself as someone who was competent enough to get by no matter how things turned out.  Because of my change in attitude, I was able to keep things more light hearted so my husband found me more pleasurable to be around.  And because I wasn’t holding on so tightly, more spontaneous give and take could happen.

Because I knew I wasn’t forcing or guilting my husband into anything, this built my confidence even more and the process became a little easier over time.  Sometimes, getting your husband back when you FEEL desperate requires for you not to SHOW him this.  It requires you to step back, to focus on the positive, and to move very slowly with the small victories that you’re given.

As I said, I had to successfully play this in my own life. In truth, I was extremely desperate to get my husband back.  But I learned not to show him that.  Which made all the  difference.  You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin