I Am Completely Traumatized By My Husband Leaving Me
By: Leslie Cane: When your husband leaves, there can be a period where you feel disbelief. None of us walk down the aisle thinking that one day our marriage is going to be in jeopardy. None of us envision a day when our husband is going to walk out the door.
But when he does, the phase that you have after disbelief is often the hope that this is only going to be a short detour and that he will return in a few days, full of apologies. If this doesn’t happen, the next phase, at least for some, can be deep sorrow. Some might even describe it as trauma. And when you feel this way, it can be very hard to envision a better tomorrow.
Here’s an example of a description that you might hear: “I feel like I’m being overly dramatic. But I am not kidding when I say that I feel traumatized by my husband leaving. I don’t feel as if I had any real warning. Sure, he occasionally would whine about being unhappy, but I never thought that he would leave. And I certainly thought that if he was considering leaving, he would mention it and give me a chance to fix it before he walked out of the door. He did neither of these things. I came home and noticed he wasn’t here and that some of this things were missing. Then I got a text from him saying that he couldn’t ‘live like this anymore.’ I hoped that he was just blowing off steam, but it appears this isn’t the case. He’s now been gone for three weeks. He calls sometimes. But he doesn’t appear ready to discuss coming home. This has thrown me. I can’t really sleep or eat. It’s hard to concentrate. I feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me. I was telling my best friend that I feel traumatized and she told me I was being far too dramatic. She said it’s not as if my husband has died or something has happened that can not be fixed. I see her point, but it still feels like a life – changing trauma to me. I feel damaged and wounded. I hate feeling this way and I normally consider myself to be a strong person. But this is so hard. One day I thought my life was stable and the next day I realize that I was so very wrong. Is it normal to feel this way?
Well, if it’s not then I guess myself and countless other people are not “normal.” I felt the same way. I struggled greatly, at least for a time. Yes, it feels as if the rug has been pulled out because, in a sense, it has. At least for right now. You feel as if you are faced with the possibility that you may have to rewrite the story of your life and that is quite scary.
Of course, this assumes that things can’t change and you won’t reconcile. But I know firsthand that things CAN change and people DO reconcile. So the outcome right now may not be the outcome six months from now. I think that it can be a mistake to assume that things won’t ever get any better. They often do.
Still, you can’t control the future. You can only work with what you have. You can do everything in your power to communicate positively and to listen to what your husband has to say. You can try to be upbeat and positive when you interact with him. And you can do everything in your power to stay strong.
I know that this is hard. But I firmly believe that we are more attractive to our husbands when we appear to be capable and coping, at least that was the case for me. When I appeared beaten and depressed while we were separated, those were the times when my husband could not get away from me quickly enough. But when I was able to give off the appearance that I was holding it together, he was much more receptive to me.
This suggestion might sound as if I am telling you to “fake it til you make it.” I guess you could say that. But I would encourage you to take care of yourself, to surround yourself with people who support you, and to do the things that bring you comfort – all in the hopes that you don’t have to “fake it” too much.
So yes, I get what you are saying when you describe this as a trauma. It can feel traumatic. But it can also get better. And you can be deliberate about practicing self care and doing those things that are going to make you feel more in control. I know that this is draining, but keep your chin up and know that there may be better days ahead. I had some tough days during my own separation. But it got so much better. You can read about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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