Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Often, one of the big draws of getting married is knowing that, for the rest of your life, you’re going to have a built-in support system. You anticipate that you are always going to have someone who is there to listen, offer you their loving observations, and have your back should things go wrong. Although none of us exactly welcomes life challenges, many of us at least get comfort out of the fact that we aren’t facing this life alone. 

Unfortunately, after you have been married for a while, you can realize that the reality of this situation didn’t turn out to be the way that you planned. You look around and you perceive that your spouse doesn’t have your back after all. You feel lonely in your own home. And, at the time when you need them the very most, your spouse may be absent and just not there for you. This can make you wonder what is the point of being married.

Someone might complain: “When my husband is sick or feeling down or trying to overcome something, then I am always his cheerleader, making him his favorite foods, and tending to him. But if I should need something from him, forget it. He’s not going to help me, much less acknowledge me. Last month, I got very sick and my husband didn’t tend to me in the least. He just basically waited for me to get better just I could resume my duties at home. For the last two years, both of my parents have been chronically ill. I am an only child. So in addition for caring for the family that I live with, I have to care for my parents also. You would think that my husband would feel sympathy for me and try to help in any way he could. This is what I would do for him. But no, he acts as if this whole thing is inconveniencing him. The other night, the hospital had to call in the middle of the night. I was operating on very sleep. I thought that perhaps my husband would offer to drive me to the hospital since I was so sleep deprived. I thought he would offer to go with me for support. Nope. He sighed as if we were mad that the phone call woke him up. As an afterthought, he called ‘be careful’ as I was leaving. But that’s apparently the best that he could do. That evening, I came home utterly exhausted. I had hoped he might make dinner or order take out, but then he proceeded to remind me that I’d promised to make him a certain meal. Obviously, I hadn’t planned to make the meal, considering the circumstances – and I told him so. He’s never been this selfish before. I don’t get him. I am really hurt about this. But I am more angry than hurt. He should be there for me. He should do things to alleviate my pain. Instead, he seems to just pile on. I’m truly starting to wonder why I’m even married. I’ve started thinking that it would work out better if I moved my parents in with us, but I know he will freak out over that. I might just be better of without him. Why stay married if your spouse isn’t there for you?”

I agree that your husband could and should be doing better. Much better. But I’m not entirely sure that you should throw in the towel without trying a few things first – although I admit that this decision is certainly not mine. Ultimately, it is your life and you will have to make this call.

Evaluate If You’ve Unknowingly Taken On A Role: Granted, I didn’t know this couple. But I have known many like them and I fall into this category also. There is a natural inclination to get into a pattern where one spouse is the caregiver while the other is the taker. Often, it is the wife who falls into the caregiver role because women are just naturally nurturing and men (who grew up with mothers who nurtured them) are conditioned to want and need this caregiving.

It isn’t until us wives get into a situation where we’d like some of this nurturing for ourselves that we notice this problem. To be fair, our husband often doesn’t see this coming because we go along with it until a situation comes along that changes things.

Understand That He May Not Know How To Handle This, Though His Intentions Might Be Good: In times of high stress, it’s very common for people to lash out because they are at a loss of how to handle things. Men often do not know how to switch gears and to take on a caregiving role.  If you were to this husband, he might say something like: “I’m just not sure what to do. I know that she’s feeling bad right now, but I don’t know how to help her. I tell her that things will be OK. But she doesn’t seem to want to hear this. So I don’t know what to do next.”

I am not making excuses for this husband. But it is implied that this behavior wasn’t exactly typical of him before this rough patch. You said that he’s not typically selfish. So, before you just assume that he will never be himself again and accept that your marriage is broken, I’d suggest considering at least giving him a chance to rectify this.

Spell It Out: As unfair as it might seem (because we often think that he should just know what we need) you will often have to get very specific with him about what you need from him. That way, you have a better chance of getting it. And, if you don’t get it then you know he’s choosing not to give it to you.

So you might try a conversation like: “honey, I don’t want for this to come out the wrong way. But I would like to ask you for just a little more support. This is a very stressful time for me. It’s not easy at the hospital. And when I come home, I would love just a hug or dinner or something to show me that you want to help me through this. Instead, I sometimes feel like this whole thing is annoying you. I wish we didn’t have this stress. I wish things were wonderful and carefree the way that they used to be. But, I don’t have that luxury right now. I can’t turn my back on my parents. And I’m asking you to support me right now. I love you and I want for you to have my back.”

Don’t Imply That He’s A Bad Husband. Just Try To Inspire Him To Rise To The Occasion: Try to keep your tone gentle. You don’t want to sound accusatory as if you are calling him a bad husband or saying he’s uncaring. You want for your tone to make him feel some empathy so that he will actually want to do better.

Again, I know it stinks when your spouse isn’t there for you. But before you just give up, give him a chance to do better. Ask him for what you need. Men often don’t know how to help us. They don’t really know how to offer emotional support.  For most of them, this hasn’t ever been their role.  So they may need help stepping into those shoes. This feels very awkward to them and so they just retreat. Let him know that you don’t want him to retreat and that you need him. He may just rise to the occasion. And you will have a marriage that is a support system instead of another stressor.

Praise Him When He Steps Up To The Plate: If you do see him making a clumsy attempt to do better make sure you acknowledge that he’s trying. This means he will try again and you can get out of the pattern of caregiver and the cared for. You’re right that you deserve more. But you often have to ask for it in order to break out of the pattern that’s already been established.

I think that one of the reasons that my husband and I separated.  Because I was juggling so many things, he didn’t think that I was truly there for him.  I’m glad he gave me that second chance because I am definitely there for him now. You can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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