Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most of us remember how our husband beamed at us as we walked down the aisle. He looked at us with a mix of love and pride. And it’s an image that we will never forget.

Unfortunately, after we have been together for a while, we sometimes see that look less and less. Worse, sometimes the lack of that look is combined with behaviors that make us suspect that our husband is not only no longer quite so proud of us, but he is now ashamed of us also.

Here’s an example. A wife could explain: “I am embarrassed about this, but I can no longer deny it. My husband doesn’t seem proud of me when he reluctantly takes me out or when we are together around people who he respects. It is almost like he ashamed of me. I admit that I have gained some weight since having children. I used to be beautiful and thin. But it is not as if I am hideous now. My husband has coworkers to whom he is very close. Sometimes, the families of these coworkers get together. There have been times when my husband doesn’t even ask me to come. But when he does, his eyes look down when he introduces me. Some of these men have flashy, younger women. And these men are obviously proud of it. I almost feel like they are showing off their shiny, new sports car while my husband is still driving an older clunker. And then I feel ashamed of myself. It makes me worry that my husband might one day find someone else. I have considered asking him if he’s ashamed of me, but I am scared of what he might say. I am not ugly. But at this stage of my life, I value my integrity and my intelligence over my looks. I wear glasses and dress conservatively because that is just who I am. If I were to try and wear revealing clothing and act sexy, I would feel very uncomfortable.  And I would resent that I have to compete in this way.”

Understanding That This May Not Be A Reflection On You Or Your Value: This is not an uncommon situation, but it is one that I think can be fixed. I have come to believe that you shouldn’t pretend to be something that you aren’t. It is so rarely convincing anyway. And it tears away at your soul because you know that you’re not treating yourself well.

At the same time, we all want our spouses to be proud when they are with us. Like it or not, our spouse sometimes feels like a reflection of ourselves. At the work-place or with friends, this can feel more important than it should be.

It’s likely that what your husband’s coworkers think of him feels important to your husband because he wants to be perceived in a certain way by his colleagues. This doesn’t excuse him if he’s treating you poorly, but it does tell you that he may be acting more out of his discomfort with his place of work than with his feelings toward you.

Understanding The Importance Of Projecting Your Genuine, Proud, Playful, And Best Self: Over time, I have learned that it is important to have a sense of play and pride in your marriage. I never do anything that makes me feel like I am not myself. But I do not hesitate to play up different sides of myself and step outside of my comfort zone (just a little bit) for the sake of my marriage.

For example, I truly do not like dressing up. I am a jeans and tee shirt sort of person. But if my husband and I are going to dinner where he wants to make a good impression, then I will make an extra effort to look very nice and show the best side of my personality. And I don’t believe that this is false or being who I am not. It is just me in nicer clothes displaying a friendly attitude.  And it makes my husband happy because he knows that I am making an effort.

There is nothing wrong with making the best of what you have. I wear glasses sometimes also. There is no way around it. But I have glasses which I think are pretty cute and that I do not mind wearing. I try very hard to keep in shape for myself as much as for my husband. But I also know that a healthy, middle-aged woman will never look like the young woman I used to be.

In other words, I make the very most of what I have and I play up my attributes, but I am also realistic and true to myself.

Understanding That A Connection Can Take You Further Than Anything Else: Here is something else which I think is more important than your external appearance. If your marriage is healthy and the intimacy between you is strong, then your spouse is naturally just going to display this when the two of you are together. I know that this might sound backward. But when my marriage was struggling, it most definitely affected how my husband was when we were around other people.

He would engage with the other folks, but not with me. He would almost be relieved to have additional people to talk to. He would be in no hurry to come home. However, now that our marriage has recovered, I no longer feel this way. We are deeply connected. And outings outside of our home feel very different today. Frankly, we are both ready to come home and be together.

I can’t possibly know what your marriage is like. But your feeling as if your husband isn’t proud may be a clue that working on your intimacy may be in order. If you feel like you want to make some changes, then I think it is healthy to do whatever is necessary to feel legitimately good about yourself. Because confidence is very attractive. If you feel confident in the way you look and feel, then you are just naturally going to project that confidence to others. And your husband is more likely to go along.

Find what makes you feel good and proud of yourself. Work on restoring the intimacy with your husband and I suspect that you will see this situation improve.

Making Sure You Are Noticing His Perspective And Not Your Own: Here is one more thing to consider. You want to look closely to determine if you are projecting your own feelings onto the situation. Sometimes, when we feel a little bad ourselves, we believe that others feel that way too. We are sort of biased by our own feelings. The next time you are in this situation, try to be very objective and make sure that you’re right.

I know that I used to automatically assume that my husband had bad feelings toward me when we were struggling.  But during our separation, I did tons of work on myself and I restored my confidence.  After this, I realized that I was projecting a lot of my own insecurity onto my marriage.  Becoming more confident did wonders for my marriage.  But more importantly, I felt better about myself.  There’s more about this restoration on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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