Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separating, you often fear what your husband will do and who he will see while you are apart. Of course, you know there is a real possibility that he will see someone else. After all, you’re no longer living with him and you can’t keep constant dibs. So you might spend a lot of time envisioning and then dreading this.

That is why, when the day comes and you actually find out that he’s seeing someone else, you’re often not surprised. Disappointed and sad, yes, but not surprised. Still, this doesn’t mean that you just want to accept it, or that, somewhere deep down, you don’t want to fight for him, even if you understand why he’s seeing someone else.

A wife might say, “This is going to sound really weird, but I completely get what my separated husband sees in the woman he is dating. I’m devastated that he has chosen to date. I would never do that because I am still committed to our marriage, but I get why he is. To be honest, the separation is mostly my fault. I made some horrible mistakes. And my husband just couldn’t live with them anymore. I can’t necessarily fault him for that. I’m very sorry for my actions, and I’ve tried and am trying very hard to make it right. But it may be too little too late. I know the woman he’s seeing. She’s quite lovely. She’s very honest, and that’s more important to him now than ever. I get that. He thinks he’s going to get from her what he didn’t get from me. I saw them out last weekend. They honestly looked happy. If he wasn’t my husband and I didn’t still love him, I would be happy for them, as weird as that sounds. But I do still love him. Ultimately, I want him back. I know it may take a while. I know that I may have to wait and work hard, but I’m willing to do what it takes. Is this selfish? Should I just let him be happy with someone else?”

Why It’s Not Selfish: I don’t think this is selfish at all. He is your husband. You are not divorced. And you don’t know how long he will be “happy.” Plus, you don’t know if he actually is. Appearances can be deceiving. He may feel excited about the novelty. But it is a new relationship and they don’t know each other very deeply. How truly happy can he be yet? Or, if he thinks he is, things can change. As the relationship evolves, he may realize that it is not for him. Or he may realize that he misses you.

I don’t think you need to throw in the towel because you’re worried about being a fair competitor. He is still married. The woman who is dating him should know that. Therefore, you are well within your rights to try to take back what is still yours, but you need to be careful trying it.

Sometimes, You Just Have To Give The Appearance of Waiting:  It might not go well if you just approach him right now and demand that he give her up. You could tell him that you are surprised that he moved so quickly if you think he would take this into fair consideration, but if you think he’s going to give you any pushback at all, then you may have to let this run its course while at the same time you are trying to improve your relationship with him and biding your time.

Frankly, it would be very rare for this other woman to be “the one.” She is most likely just a rebound diversion.

You want to maintain a good relationship with him so that you have the access you are going to need to eventually try to rebuild your relationship, and this is just going to take time. If that means you wait until this relationship fizzles out, so be it. For a rebound relationship, it should not take long.

You Don’t Have to Put Your Own Life on Hold:  When I say that you may have to wait for things to fizzle, I don’t mean that you need to wait around and not live your own life or pursue your own self-improvement. You’ve said that you made mistakes, which means that you have plenty to work on. Now would be a good time to do that, since you have some extra time.

You want your husband to see that you’re taking care of yourself because you have self-respect. Believe it or not, this influences the way that he perceives you. And you don’t want to be perceived as the woman who is just idly waiting for him to get tired of his current situation.

You have to be flexible and strike while the iron is hot or back off when it is not. Your first goal is to maintain a good, playful, caring relationship – even if it is not romantic RIGHT NOW.

It not being romantic right now does not mean that it can’t be romantic later. I definitely had to wait during my own separation – for much longer than I wanted to. But I did eventually get my husband back. I learned how to maximize my wait time and make it work for me. And my husband respected the work I did and began to look at me a little differently after I did self-work.

So no, it wasn’t romantic for us during the early stages of our separation, but that eventually changed as I made some changes. Eventually, it turned very romantic and we are still married today.  You can see how I finally managed that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin