Leslie Cane Articles

Because this is the topic that I most often write about, I am sometimes approached by women who are absolutely panicked, thinking that their husband’s request for a break, separation, or divorce marks the end of the road.  Typically, I’m contacted after the wives have already tried a slew of tactics based on fear and desperation.  Unfortunately, husbands easily see right through these methods and resist even more.

So now, left with no remaining tricks up their sleeves, the wives are left with the choice of waving the white flag of surrender or readying themselves for round two of the match wherein you desperately try to change your husband’s mind.  I’m sad even writing this, because I have been in this place, as have so many others.  And, while marriages do and should end for some couples, it is my very firm belief that a good number of marriages can absolutely be saved if the right tactics are used to get both parties on the same page and listening and communicating again. So, in this article, I’ll tell you some things that you can use in the first steps of saving your marriage – even if you are the only one who wants to, and even if your husband has made clear he wants out.

Being On Opposite Sides From Your Husband Is A Losing Game When You’re Trying To Save Your Marriage:  I’d be willing to bet that, right about now, you’re trying to come up with the perfect words to say and the perfect things to do to at least get a pause in this interaction so that somehow, someway, you can get your husband to sit down and really listen to you.

There are a couple of reasons he’s not listening to you.  First, he doesn’t like your message.  He’s made up his mind about wanting out and he doesn’t want you to come and try to change his perceptions.  Second, it’s extremely likely that he believes that nothing is really going to change no matter what, so all of this talking and debate is a waste of time.

To that end, you obviously need to be able to get around both of these issues.  Somehow, someway, he needs to become secure that you aren’t going to try to change his mind or debate with him why he is wrong.  You do that by conceding defeat and jumping on his side.  (I know this sounds horrible, but it’s only part of the strategy.  “Conceding defeat” is really just a way to get his guard down for once so you will have a little more cooperation.)

So, you basically need to tell him that you understand he wants out and realize that he’s an adult who makes his own decisions and there is nothing you can do to stop him.  Tell him that he is the most important person in your life, so you’d like to part as friends.  Promise that you’ll no longer engage in negative behaviors that are going to keep this from happening. (I know this sounds scary, but it’s only step one.)

He isn’t likely to believe this at first, but as soon as you repeatedly stop engaging with him, he will begin to wonder just what on earth is going on.  That’s when the seed has been planted – the one that you will nurture throughout this entire process.  That seed of curiosity is what’s going to keep him around (or at least keep his eyes and ears on you from a distance.)

Nurturing The Seed Of Curiosity To Save Your Marriage: I realize that I’ve asked you to do a 360-degree turn, but this is less scary than it may seem. When all of the noise, arguing, and engaging stops, what’s left is silence that feels somewhat strange.  It will usually tempt a husband’s curiosity until suddenly, he’s the one who is making the effort to find out just what’s going on.

At this point, you have to keep moving forward with the program.  You go out and meet with friends.  You keep yourself busy.  You change your appearance if this is something that appeals to you.  You do whatever is necessary for you to appear to be the  alluring, easy-going woman your husband first fell in love with.  Your goal should always be to appear that although you love your husband and really want to save the marriage, you respect your husband’s wishes and you respect yourself enough to not mope around and let this beat you.

Now, I’m not talking about playing dating games to get your husband jealous or doing anything that would elicit more problems.  I’m just talking about having lighthearted fun with friends and making time for the things that make you happy.  Your husband will find out about it, and he will probably want to learn more.  And, this is where hopefully the tide turns, but, whatever you do, don’t move too early or push too hard.

Holding Off To Play This To Its Full Advantage:  I see many wives do so beautifully with these first few steps only to mess it up big time here.  If you’ve managed to jump on your husband’s side, lessen the tension, and even find that your husband’s curious about this new you, pat yourself on the back and know that you’re on the right track, but you are absolutely not home free.

This is usually the point where wives make the grave error of trying to push for reconciliation or reassurances that the husband needs to make on his own.  Don’t ever jump the gun and be the one to pursue the resolution of this conflict.  Your husband must do that.  It’s so important that the balance of power is restored here.  Because if he is always the one who isn’t really into it, while you are always the desperate one, your marriage will never be on firm footing.  You both need to be equally on board, which is why you should hang back and not push.

I know that you will feel sometimes like it’s absolutely necessary to talk about your problems and ask for reassurances, but don’t do this either, at least in the early stages.  At first, it’s best to keep things lighthearted, so that you’re working on restoring affection and commitment.  Once this is firmly in place and the marriage is back on solid ground, then you can start with the deep discussions, but if you move too soon, you could well push your husband further away.

When my husband wanted out (but I definitely didn’t), I made many of the mistakes I discussed in this article based on fear. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. These things backfired spectacularly. Thankfully, I started trying the more “scary” options discussed here and they eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/