Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: My grandmother always told me to choose a man on whom I could count when the roof was leaking and the kids had a cold. “Good looks are of no use when your toddler has a fever and the mortgage is due,” she’d caution when I developed the habit of chasing a pretty face without much substance. “Pick someone who has your back when the chips are down.” I used to roll my eyes and think she wanted to bring me down. But now that I am an adult who has faced the hard times that she was describing, I realize that she was absolutely right.

And I know that I’m not alone. Especially right now with the coronavirus – when many of us are living with a high degree of stress in close quarters, we realize that we NEED a supportive spouse. Unfortunately, some people find that rather having a supportive spouse who has their back right now, they have a husband who couldn’t be worse in this time of crisis and in other hard times.

A wife might say, “I have known for a few years now that my husband isn’t that supportive during tough times. As just a few examples, when his mother became critically ill, it was me who took her to her doctor’s appointments and sat at her bedside. My husband said that he just was not “cut out” for that. To be fair, it was difficult to see his mother struggling in the way that she was, but when you love someone, don’t you suck it up and be there for them? Another example is that our daughter was getting bullied at school. My husband and I both emailed the teacher and she was completely dismissive and blamed my daughter for not sticking up for herself. My husband let it drop. I was the one who had to go to school to advocate for my daughter. And during this quarantine with COVID 19, I am the one homeschooling the kids and juggling everything. I am the one who had to call the mortgage company to ask for an extension. At the end of the day, I’m an exhausted mess, but do you think he props me up or pampers me in any way? No. He wants me to take care of him like I take care of the kids. I’ve realized that he is a taker, not a giver. I want to demand that he give me more support. But I feel like I’ll sound pathetic and demanding. Still, I have zero patience for his non-supportive attitude right now. Is it too much to ask?”

It’s Not Much To Ask Or Unfair To Expect Your Spouse To Support Your During Hard Times: It is definitely NOT too much to ask. I get a wide range of correspondence from people wanting their spouse to be more supportive. Admittedly, some expect their spouse to be their sole emotional support system. This may be asking a lot. But wanting your spouse to share in the every day emotional labor? That’s not a substantial amount to ask. That’s just fair play. One of the reasons we get married is because we want a life partner with whom we can hold hands and stand tall during dark days.

How To Get Him To Have Your Back When You Need Him The Most: Although I realize that it might be tempting to outline EXACTLY where he’s falling short and demand that he do better, you have to think about the approach that will give you the greatest chance of getting what you really want – his support. If you come across as accusatory, he will only reply with a defensiveness that is going to put you further away from your goal. If you come at him with positivity (even if it’s a little fake at first) he is MUCH more likely to respond with the behavior that you actually want to see.

In this case, you might try something like, “Honey, I know that you love me and you wish that you could lighten my load right now. I also know that you can’t read my mind. So could you help the kids with their homework for half an hour while I make dinner? That would help me tons.” Once he does this, make sure he knows how much you appreciate it. Lap on the praise so that he will do it again.  So thatthe next day, you can try a little more, with something like, “Can you watch the kids while I take a short bath?” Or, “Honey, can you just hug me and listen while I talk for ten minutes? I’m really stressed right now and it would help me to release some of this.” Again, when he complies, praise him. Eventually, you won’t have to praise him as much, as the behavior becomes a habit.

Notice how these phrases were extremely specific. By asking for exactly what you need, it’s much harder for him to ignore the request.

What If Nothing Changes?: For many spouses, this gradual, positive approach will do the trick. A spouse who loves you and wants you to be happy will usually rise to the occasion when you ask him directly for what you need. He knows that you are not asking for the moon and stars and that he would be a big jerk to just ignore your needs.

If he does not, you may need to get more specific and try something like, “When I ask for your support and you refuse or cannot give it, it makes me feel unloved. It makes me feel like I can’t depend on the person I love the most. I would do everything in my power to support you, but sometimes, I feel like you don’t feel the same way. What am I missing?” Notice that I used “I” phrases so that nothing here sounds accusatory. Saying “what am I missing?” allows him to give you an honest answer from his point of view so that you can actually gain some ground rather than continuing to go in circles.

I think it is very fair and very normal to expect your spouse to step up and support you during ALL times – difficult or easy. You both promised to do so when you got married. Difficult days make it more important that he makes good on this promise. So now is the time to ask for what you need in a way that makes you more likely to get it.

I absolutely do not think that you should ignore this issue.  Not supporting or listening to one another were among the issues that led to my husband and I separating.  This was a very painful time that could have been avoided. Thankfully,  after many costly mistakes, I learned how to get the very best out of my husband and we are much happier today.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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