Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who have husbands who are so angry with them that he’s saying or hinting that he wants a divorce.  Usually, the wife has done something that she regrets, is apologizing and saying she’s sorry, but finds that neither of these things matter all that much to her husband at the time.  Usually, what she’s done has to do with money, sex, trust, respect, or pride, but this can vary.

Here’s one example.  I recently heard from a wife whose marriage was seriously damaged by the situation she was in and her response to it.  Because of the economy, her husband had to take a demotion at work.  Money and spending had always been an issue between them, but since the demotion, things had really come to a head.  Her husband had wanted to drastically change their lifestyle, live on less so that he would feel less pressure and stress, and asked the wife’s support of the same.

The wife pretended that she would go along.  She didn’t want to stress her husband out, but she wasn’t ready to change her lifestyle and she didn’t see the harm in treating herself every now and then, since she thought he was overreacting.  So she made little purchases on the side and either incorporated them into her home so he wouldn’t notice or hid them at her mother’s house and sent the bills there also.  Needless to say, the husband found out.  And when he did, he lost it.

He told the wife he couldn’t be married to someone who respected him so little, who would go behind his back, and who was so sneaky.  The wife regretted her actions and said so repeatedly.  She hoped this would blow over, but it hadn’t.  She said in part:  “yesterday, he told me he wants a divorce. He really is taking this that far.  He said he has an appointment with a lawyer this week. He says there is nothing I can do to change his mind.  He said we just aren’t compatible in our outlooks and he is not going to spend the rest of his life with someone who lies and goes behind his back. This has just floored me.  I don’t want to lose my husband.  Whatever I bought isn’t worth my marriage.  But I can’t take it back and he won’t accept my apology or listen to me.  I’m getting so frustrated.  What can I do?”

This was a challenge because it seemed like no matter what the wife did or said, the husband refused to listen.  He either cut her off or left every time she tried to plead her case.  But, I was able to offer her some insights that I hoped would help.  I’ll share those with you.

Sometimes A Husband’s Anger Does Fade In Time.  The Key Is To Handle It In The Right Way Throughout The Entire Process:   I hear about situations like this a lot.  Some of the time, the husband eventually calms down.  But just as often, instead of just waiting for this to occur, the wife becomes frustrated and eventually tells him that he’s overreacting or just being stubborn.  Or she tells him that she can only repeat that she’s sorry so many times and then ask how long does he intend to hold a grudge or act like a child? Needless to say, this can make things worse.

Instead, I feel that the best thing to do in this case is to calmly agree with him and continue to do so.  The fact was, the wife did know that she was wrong.   The money, trust, respect, and honestly issues were ones that were always coming up in their marriage.  She had breached these issues before.  She knew that these things were serious issues for her husband.  And she knew it was wrong to be untruthful and to hide her actions.

So my suggestion was that every time this issue came up, the wife should continue to wholeheartedly agree.  She should say something like “you know, you are absolutely right.  Words cannot express how sorry I am.  Admittedly, I was dishonest and didn’t consider your feelings and I regret that more than I can tell you, as well as the fact that you want a divorce as the result.   I don’t want for you to think that I don’t realize exactly what I did or have remorse because I do.  There’s no justification for it except to say I’m sincerely sorry, I wish I could take it back, and I understand why it hurts you. It would never happen again.  But I understand that you are hurt and angry and feel like you need to take some action, although I wish that things weren’t heading the way that they are.

Do you see what this does?  It gives him no point to argue.  It takes the wind out of his sails.  You are admitting your wrong doing and aren’t trying to debate it because you know that there really is no excuse.  This sort of honesty and respect is often what husbands have been looking for all along.  Additionally, there’s no longer any reason to continue on with the anger.  You aren’t debating him, or arguing, or contributing to add any drama to the situation.

Now, I can’t tell you if agreeing with your husband will change his mind about the divorce.  Over time, if you keep repeating this with sincerity, he might eventually realize that you mean what you say and back off of the divorce.  If not, it’s time to go with plan B.

What Happens If His Anger Doesn’t Fade And He Still Wants The Divorce No Matter What I Say?: This happens sometimes, unfortunately.  When it does, sometimes the wives will abandon the aforementioned plan in favor of one with debates and arguments because they just feel forced to do so.

I understand this (and I did it myself,) but I think that in most situations, it’s the wrong call. If he hasn’t changed his mind yet, it’s unlikely that he will, at least in response to your words.  It’s my opinion that what you need to do next is to show him what you want him to know rather than telling him what you think he needs to know.

What I mean by that is that clearly, he is resistant to believing you or even listening, so this is going to be a gradual process.  I know that things are difficult –  knowing that you have a divorce on the horizon, but you truly do need to take it one step at a time.  In this example, the wife could start by showing her husband (with her actions going forward) that she was a person of integrity.

Sometimes, you have to take the divorce off of the table in your own mind and just concentrate on what you most want to show your husband right now.  You do this under the premise of wanting to salvage some sort of relationship, no matter what form it takes.

You continue to agree (in any way that you can be sincere and believable) and you keep doing this until eventually you have shown him that you mean exactly what you say and aren’t just doing this to change his mind.  You are doing this because you realize you were wrong, want to change, and want to do the right thing no matter what happens.

Does doing this mean he’ll call off the divorce or that you will eventually get back together?  I can’t say.  But I can tell you that it will often put you in the best position that you can possibly be in.  And this sometimes makes all the difference in the long run.  This is exactly what I had to do in my own situation.  And this eventually worked (although I made many mistakes in the mean time.  You can read more about that if it helps here.

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