How Would I Even Know If My Husband Wants Me Back?
By: Leslie Cane: When your husband has left and you desperately want him back, you are always looking for signs – any signs at all – that he might be losing his resolve about this separation business and might want you back. So you’re sort of always watching and you are hoping that when he begins to want you back, then it will be obvious. When it isn’t, you can begin to wonder if you are misreading the signs, if he’s trying to hide his feelings, or if he doesn’t want you back at all.
Someone might ask a question like: “from the start of our separation, my husband was very specific about the fact that he was still in love with me, but he said that did not like living with me because we fight sometimes and there is a lot of conflict in our home. My husband is so conflict adverse. He hates conflict of any kind. Even if it is a healthy disagreement, he will do everything that he can to avoid it. I know that, deep down, my husband still loves me. And I had hoped that being away from me would make him realize that he misses me and he would decide that he can handle some conflict if it means being together. But so far, he hasn’t said anything along those lines at all. When we are together, he is sometimes sweet and sometimes distant. I can’t get a read on whether he is happy or miserable being apart. I’ve been looking for longing on his face and I’ve been listening for words to indicate that he wants me back, but so far I haven’t picked up anything. I was discussing this with one of our mutual friends and she said my husband is a ‘cards close to the vest kind of guy’ and she’s not sure how I would even know if he wanted me back unless he flat out told me, which she can’t see him doing. I always thought it would be more obvious than this. How do I even know if he wants me back?”
It really does depend upon the couple and the personalities involved. Some husbands are very demonstrative and they tell their wives very directly that they miss her and want to come home. They are very direct about this with no games being played. I believe from my own experiences that most wives would vastly prefer this scenario.
Unfortunately, this isn’t always what you get. Some husbands are grappling with their feelings so they try not to let their wishes in this regard show. They may be aware of the fact that they miss their wives and want her back. But, they may be waiting to see if this feeling passes or changes. So, he may want to wait for a while to just evaluate how strong these feelings really are. He may not want to share this with you until he is sure that his feelings won’t change.
Other men don’t want to put their feelings out there out of strategy. Some of them are waiting for you to be the one to ask about getting back together.
How these different scenarios look really does depend on how much your husband shows his feelings in every day life. Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves and others are much harder to read.
In general, a man who wants his wife back will do things to get close to her and will ask questions meant to evaluate where she is in this process and what she might want. He may ask questions about the future like: “if we were to get back together, do you think that we would make it?” He may want to know about your feelings and where you stand.
He may ask to spend more time with you. He may show you more affection. He may show some jealousy if he thinks that other men are showing an interest in you. He may try to spend more time at your home. He may ask open ended questions meant to gauge your feelings so that he knows it’s ‘safe’ to bring up the topic of a reconciliation.
Or, he may not do any of these things because, for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to share his feelings for you just yet.
So where does this leave you? Well, if you think that it is possible that he wants you back, then I think it’s safe to say that you must have made some progress. If so, I would continue to do the things that lead up to the progress.
Many wives get really excited when they get to this point and they rush things. They demand answers. They make assumptions about his return being imminent. There is risk here because this scares some men. I think that the better approach is to just continue at the pace you have been on. Don’t rock the boat too much. Continue to do what has worked and do not pressure him or make assumptions.
I always felt it was best to let my husband be the one to broach coming home and this worked well in my case. It was hard to wait. But it was the only way I knew that I wasn’t going to be disappointed or regretful if I rushed things. I didn’t want my husband to pull away because I rushed. There’s more of that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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