Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: To say that many of us are in shock when our husband says he wants a divorce is an understatement. Even if we knew that our marriage was in trouble and we knew that our husband was thinking of leaving, it is still very shocking and upsetting when he utters the “d” word.

And frankly, many of us respond with both anger and sadness. It’s very easy to get defensive and mad.  It’s normal to have thoughts like, “Who is he to think that he gets to make all of the decisions in the marriage? How can he discard us so easily? How can he so flippantly make this decision?”

As a result of all of these thoughts and feelings, many of us are tempted to lash out at him. A wife might describe it this way: “I am not sure how I am supposed to act toward my husband now. Two weeks ago, I was walking on egg shells, but trying very hard to be sweet. Because I knew that my husband was not happy. And I was trying very hard to turn things around. But last night, he told me that he wanted a divorce and that he was going to be filing for one eventually. I am surprised by this, but my first emotion was anger and not sadness. I am not sure why I felt this way. I am normally pretty laid back. But I find myself being incredibly nasty and sarcastic to my husband. I am simply furious at him. It’s not that I didn’t know that we were having problems. We certainly are. But I’m so disappointed in him because he is not willing to try and work this out. He gave up so easily and so early. We have not even tried counseling yet. He clearly doesn’t plan to fight for our marriage. And yet six months ago, he told me that he would. This makes me very disappointed in him. Yesterday at work, he called to tell me something about one of our kids. I was very short with him. I actually ended up hanging up on him. My coworker overheard the conversation and she is telling me that I am going about this in entirely the wrong way. She says that I need to be sweet to my husband. I am not so sure about this. I used to want to save my marriage and I tried the ‘sweet’ tactic before, but I am angry now. I do worry about what a divorce will do to my children. Ideally, I would like to avoid it. But right now, I can’t seem to get control over my emotions. I feel like he is the enemy. How are you supposed to treat the spouse who wants a divorce?”

Determining Your Long Term Goals:  How you treat him depends on your long-term goals. The central question is whether or not you want to save your marriage eventually. If that is even a remote possibility (and it sounds like it is) then you don’t want to do anything that is going to make this impossible.

And think about this. Even if you ultimately do divorce, you are going to have to deal with this man for the rest of your life because of your children. For their sake, you want to have the best relationship as is possible, even if the relationship is no longer a romantic one.

I understand your anger. Although my husband sought a separation before a divorce, I was furious at him. I was extremely disappointed in him. But instead of showing my anger to him, I showed my desperation. This isn’t advisable either, because it caused so much tension between us that my husband started to avoid me.

Finding The Balance Between Being Honest And Being Upbeat: I think that it’s best to be honest, but also positive. I don’t think that you have to pretend that you’re fine with the divorce when you are not. Your husband likely would not believe this anyway. I think it’s fine for him to know that you are disappointed.

But if you make him your enemy or adversary, then you are going to seriously damage your chance to reconcile later. However,  if you try to make it look like you are on the same side because you want to preserve a relationship for the sake of your children (which is likely true,) then you put yourself in a much better position.

If you maintain a good relationship, he doesn’t need to avoid you. He will likely still give you access to him. And you are laying a groundwork to a possible improvement to your relationship – which might preface a reconciliation later. I know that you aren’t sure if you want one right now, but I think that you always want to preserve your ability to change your mind later.

So to answer the original question, I think that it’s okay to allow your frustration and disappointment to show, but I believe that it’s best to still treat your spouse with respect and cooperation. You want to create an atmosphere of “being in this together” because this maintains access to your husband and this makes it possible to try to improve the relationship.  It also gives you a chance to reconcile later.

I can tell you that not every husband who says he wants a divorce doesn’t ends up filing. Things change. Marriages improve. But if you want to keep this option possible, you can’t position yourself as his enemy or act in a way that is going to make him avoid you.

I wish I had paid attention to my own insights.  I didn’t even attempt to get on the same side as my separated husband at first.  I tried to elicit pity and guilt.  This backfired in a huge way. There’s more of that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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