Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are looking for a plan that is going to stop their husband from divorcing them.  Sometimes, they have been served with divorce papers and, other times, their husband has just begun to mention the divorce.  However, no matter where they are in the process, the wives who contact me are very clear on the fact that they DON’T want a divorce.  They are usually exploring their options and are looking for the plan that is going to make stopping the divorce the most likely.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband has filed divorce papers.  I want to do every thing in power to stop it.  I have two children and I refuse to allow them to grow up in a broken family.   I won’t accept a divorce.  But, what can I do to stop it?  How can I refuse? How do I convince my husband that he’s making a grave mistake that we will both regret?”

I will try to address these very common concerns in the following article.

When You’re Trying To Stop Your Husband From Divorcing You,  It’s Best To Focus On Emotional Strategies Rather Than Legal Ones: Many people ask me about legal strategies that they can use to stop the divorce.  I’m certainly not an attorney, and I would never dream of offering any one legal advice.  Plus, I have to tell you that I rarely see legal strategies turn out in the way that was hoped for.  Instead, from what I see, only the attorneys win.  The couple involved become more and more estranged from one another and the family is more and more damaged.

At the end of it, the one who wanted the divorce is more convinced than ever that they want to be rid of their spouse in the quickest way possible.  So, you haven’t gained anything by trying to contest the divorce except insuring that it’s going to cost you more money.  Of course, every situation is different.  I’m sure there are folks out there who would tell you that they were successful with legal strategies, but I’ve never heard from any of them.

The strategies that I see working to stop a divorce are those that are based on changing emotions and feelings rather than on legal strategies.  What I see working (and what worked for me) was wives who were able to make their husbands see that his perceptions about her and about the marriage were dead wrong.  You usually have a much better chance of stopping your husband from divorcing you when you can change the way he looks at you and at the marriage.  You want for him to eventually turn his perceptions around so that he sees the whole thing in a positive slant so that he wants to explore it more rather than in a negative one that he wants to move away from.

This change usually can’t happen when you are “fighting” him or “contesting” him during the divorce. It happens when you are working with them in the spirit of cooperation and when you show him (rather than repeatedly telling him)  that you’re very much still the woman that he first fell in love with and that the two of you actually can get along, interact, generate some chemistry and make a little progress.  Now, let’s talk about just how you set that up when you’re in a situation where he’s trying to divorce you.

Stopping Your Husband From Divorcing You Often Requires For You To Approach This In A Way That He Doesn’t Expect: It’s a pretty safe bet that your husband is expecting for you to have a pretty strong reaction to his wanting a divorce.  He likely already knows that you REALLY don’t want a divorce and that you are either going to try to fight him on this or try to do something to change his mind.  And, frankly, we all know that you are going to do this.  But, you shouldn’t do it in the way that he’s expecting.

You almost have to do it in underhanded sort of way.  Because you want for your reaction and for your strategy to pull your husband closer to you rather than the other way around.   So you want to remain calm and you actually want to be very measured in your actions.  You want to do whatever you can to show your husband that you are actually on his side.  You want to tell him that your real goal is for both of you to be happy and to not lose your core relationship – even if that relationship might be changing and evolving.

Now, we both know that your new found cooperation is part of a long term strategy, but if you play it correctly and for long enough, it should eventually be believable.  As this goes along, you should gain some cooperation and access to your husband.  And when you do, this is when the real work begins.

Make Sure That All Of Your Interactions With Your Husband Are Focused On The Positive: You are going to need a couple of things to stop the divorce.  You are going to need for your husband to allow you some access to him.  You are going to need for him to change his perceptions about you.  And you’re going to need for him to be open to you because the pay off that he is getting from this offers him more than the pay off that he is getting from the divorce.

You have to always remember basic psychological principles.  People are attracted to others who make them feel positive emotions.  If being around you makes your husband feel guilty, sad, or down, then he will simply cut off or slow your access to him.  You can’t afford this to happen. So, to the best of your ability, you should also try to remain upbeat and positive.  You should always be very conscious of how you are being perceived and of how you appear to your husband.

Yes, this is a tall order.  Yes, you may have to do some acting.  But if you focus on the positive and show your husband who you want him to see, you have a much better chance of stopping the divorce because this is what he will want.  To that end, you don’t want to dwell on or constantly bring up your problems or even the divorce.  I’m not asking you to deny what’s happening around you, but I am suggesting that you always place your focus on what is going to move you forward in a positive way rather than what is going to hold you back and make the divorce going through more likely.

It was my husband, not me, who filed for divorce. I knew that it wasn’t over for me and I refused to give up. But, for a long time I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but to change the dynamics of our marriage. You can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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