Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I know first hand that even when you consider yourself a strong or stoic person, you may feel weak and overwhelmed during your trial or marital separation.  Even if you are typically an optimist who believes that things which are meant to be are always going to work out, you can be almost paralyzed with the fear that you are going to lose the very thing that you value the most.

This is probably why I get a lot of correspondence from newly-separated wives who are extremely disappointed in themselves.  They know that staying strong during this process is going to make everything easier. They may even suspect that strength is going to increase the odds of a reconciliation.  But they are still struggling.  They know that need to be strong, but knowing and doing are two very different things.

You might hear a comment like this one: “ever since I have known my husband, he has told me that one of the things he loves the most about me is my spunk and my strength.  I am known as someone who carries on without complaining, despite the circumstances.  I have never needed a man to take care of me.  I never depended on my husband for anything and this created a very nice dynamic between us.  I know that my husband admires this trait in me and I know that he is attracted to it. However, since he has asked for a trial separation, it is as if I am not the same person.  I am not strong.  I am very weak and afraid.  Suddenly, I worry about maintaining the house by myself when it was never a problem before.  I worry about being on my own.  I worry about being lonely and isolated.  I worry that I will lose the only man I have ever truly loved.  I worry that we will not grow old together now.  As a result, I am clingy and needy around my husband.  And I can tell that he doesn’t like this.  I am afraid that he will start to distance himself from me even more.  So, when I am alone, I will tell myself that the next time I see him, I will act like my old self. I will conduct myself with pride and make it appear that I am doing well. But within minutes of speaking to or being with my husband, it’s obvious that it is all a charade. I fall apart.  My weakness and my neediness shows.  How can I regain my strength right now?”

I wish I had a magic wand that I could give you.  I know how this feels. I have been through it.  What I can do though, (and I hope that it helps,) is to tell you some things which I found helpful when faced with this issue myself.

Step Back From A Sense Of Immediacy: In my experience, you have to find a way to break away from everything feeling so immediate.  I remember thinking that I had to make some change or to do something RIGHT NOW in order to have any chance of saving my marriage.  What this mindset does is it causes you to panic.  You feel so much anxiety that you are only reacting out of fear.  You can not think straight.  Every encounter with your husband can’t develop naturally because you’re only focused on what might go wrong.  This just adds to the heaviness of the situation and it makes it less likely that you will have a good outcome.

Instead, you have to step back.  You have to believe that in time, your situation will improve and that you can’t expect it to resolve itself immediately, especially if your husband is telling you that he needs “some time.”  So, you have to find a way to talk yourself down from feeling so stressed so much of the time.

What works in this situation is going to be different for everyone.  For me, I volunteered, spent time with friends and family, and engaged in hobbies that I did not have time with before.  I tried to tell myself that this was my opportunity to evaluate what changes and improvements that I wanted in my marriage – changes that were for my benefit and not just for my husband’s.  And this helped a great deal.

Make It Simple And Flexible.  And Give Yourself Permission To Make Changes As Needed: Beyond stepping back from a sense of immediacy, you have to have a determination that you are going to handle this in a way that you can proud of.  I know that this is a difficult time.  But no life is without difficulty.  This is probably one of a few struggles that you will have to deal with over the course of a life well-lived.  You don’t want to look back with any regret.  So it’s important that, as hard as it is, you are constantly evaluating your approach and making changes as they are needed. If you know that today has not gone well, then do better tomorrow.

That said, if you have a momentary weakness, forgive yourself and move on.  I used to think that I had to act as if I really didn’t care about my husband’s behavior or the separation.  I thought that this was a sign of strength.  The truth is that everyone saw right through this – including my husband.  I think that true strength is being honest, but stoic.  Everyone knows that even strong people struggle during a martial separation.  But if you do the best you can and conduct yourself with grace and dignity, then that is a sign of strength and self respect and really, what more can anyone ask?

None of us do everything perfectly when we are experiencing fear during our separation.  But, ask yourself how you’d advise your best friend or sister to act in your situation.  You’d want her to hold her head high and carry on, right?  You’d want for her to be her best self while doing the best that she could.  Yes, this is all easier said than done.  I know that.  I struggled greatly in the first weeks after my separation.  But I eventually pulled myself together.  I suspect that you will, too. You can read about all that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin