Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Before you have children, you don’t have any idea about the depth of love that you are capable of feeling for another human being. Most of us think that we could never love anyone more than our spouse. Until we have children – and then we feel a love that reaches an entirely new level. Most people would do absolutely anything for their child and they would make any sacrifice to ensure that their child has the best upbringing as is humanly possible. We want to do anything in our power to avoid our child feeling pain.  We don’t want to do anything that would prevent them from becoming the healthiest and happiest adult as is possible.

That’s why many people chose to stay together – even as their marriage struggles – when they have children. Countless studies tell us that it is much better for a child to grow up with both parents. There is a lot of data that suggest just how damaging a divorce can be to a child and to the adult that the child eventually becomes.

And that’s why many couples will decide to stay together for the sake of their children. They resign themselves to the fact that they are just going to have to stick it out and worry about their children’s well being over their own. But they also worry about how they will manage this while maintaining any deserved happiness in their life.

Someone might say: “my husband and I have been drifting apart for years. At first, we just didn’t interact with one another and we avoided each other. But that phase passed and then we started to fight. Our fights have gotten pretty bad. We have considered separating or divorcing. But we have two children who are more important to us than anything. Both of us grew up in single-parent homes and we do not want that for our kids. So we both agree that we will not consider doing anything to end or pause our marriage until our children are grown. But how do we get along during this process? We make each other so angry. And how will we not be miserable? Two unhappy parents isn’t good for our kids either.”

There May Be An Emotional Investment That You Haven’t Considered: You’re absolutely right that an unhappy household isn’t ideal for anyone. You probably see your anger as a very bad thing. But in terms of your marriage and it’s ability to heal, I often see it as a good thing. Please hear me out. I know that statement sounds odd. But when people are still getting angry with one another, this is an indication that they still care and are still invested. If they didn’t, the anger just wouldn’t be there.

If you can accept that you still care, doesn’t it make sense to try to make our marriage as good as it can possibly be? Since you’ve made the commitment to stick it out, it doesn’t make sense to also sentence yourself (and your kids) to a house full of misery.  Instead, you want to learn the behaviors that will make your household a happy one.

Understanding What It Takes To Be Happy: I think that there’s actually a couple of ways to be happy in this situation. The first is to not base your contentment on what is happening externally.  You can’t control other people.  You can only control yourself. People who learn to seek happiness inside of themselves are much more content regardless of their circumstances. This isn’t always easy to accomplish, but once you do, your entire life changes. Once you understand that you alone are responsible for your own happiness level, every thing looks dramatically different.

The second suggestion that I have is to change your perception about your marriage. Right now, you’re seeing it as if there is no hope at all. You perceive that you just have to stick it out. But what if you didn’t? What if you could actually enjoy those years? Your anger shows me that the feelings are still there. That’s a great start because not every one has that.

Changing The Dynamic Or Your Interactions: The next step would be to learn new skills so that your interactions with your husband are actually positive instead of negative. I know first hand that it is possible. Some couples have counseling to help them with this. And others work very hard on their own. It does take commitment and work. But countless couples are taught to interact with one another in new and positive ways. And once this happens, they find that they feel loving toward one another again. They see themselves as a team and as part of whole rather than seeing themselves as unhappy individuals.

I would suggest that you are selling this situation a little short. No one wants to look forward to a future where your household is going to be tense and where your marriage is only treading water. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Marriages can and do heal. Sometimes, you need a little help to make that happen. But I know that it can happen.  I know because I’ve done it myself.  And it was one of the best decisions I ever made.  You can read more about that process at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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