Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who tell me that they want to “start over” in their marriage.  Often, the marriage is in real trouble and multiple attempts to save it or improve it have failed.  So rather than continue on with what hasn’t been working, the spouses hope that it’s preferable to just wipe the slate clean and begin again.

I recently heard from a wife, who said, in part: “about seven weeks ago, my husband filed for divorce.  We’d been at each other’s throats for months and he said he was tired of  ‘all the negativity’ in our marriage and just wanted it to end. I really didn’t want a divorce but I couldn’t argue that all we did was fight and it wasn’t a pleasant experience for either of us.  Our kids didn’t handle it very well though.  They made it clear that they thought the divorce was nearly the worst thing that ever happened to them.  This really affected my husband because our kids are his number one priority in life.  So, last week, he knocked on my door and said that he’d been thinking about it and decided that we should ‘start over in our marriage’ and try to forget all the nasty things that we have said and done to one another over the past couple of years for the sake of our kids.  I’m willing to try, but part of me doesn’t think that any of this is all that realistic.  How am I just supposed to forget about the past? And I’m supposed to believe that just because he wants to begin again all of our problems are just supposed to magically disappear?”

I’ll try to discuss these concerns in the following article. But before I tell you what starting over in your marriage truly means, I’d like to discuss what it doesn’t mean first.

Starting Over In Your Marriage Doesn’t Mean Forgetting The Past, But It Can’t Mean Not Continuing To Dwell On It: Sometime people seem to think that starting over implies exactly that – wiping the slate clean and completely forgetting and ignoring the past.  Unfortunately, this interpretation sometimes sets those same folks up for failure because this notion just isn’t realistic.  It’s impossible for most people to just erase their memories and feelings even though they may desperately want to save their marriage.  Months and years of negative memories aren’t just wiped from your consciousness.

With that said, we can make a conscious effort not to dwell on them and to move forward despite them.  To me, starting over in your marriage is making the commitment that moving forward and saving your marriage is more important to you than dwelling on the mistakes or negative issues within it that are now in the past.  It’s saying that you’re going to put the blame, the anger, and the resentment on the back burner so that you can eventually eliminate or lessen it in order for your marriage to survive.  It doesn’t mean forgetting and forgiving since truly forgetting isn’t possible.  But it can mean forgiving and changing your focus.

Starting Over In Your Marriage Doesn’t Mean Erasing Your Positive History Or The Mutual Things That You’ve Shared: Many people think that they want to “start over” in their marriage but they never consider that this might imply leaving the good behind as well as the bad.  One very special thing about being committed and married to someone else is that you have that rich, shared history that you don’t share with any one else.

This can be the one of the things that draws you together and it just doesn’t make sense to want to sacrifice or negate this.  People will often tell me that they want to hang onto the good memories, experiences, and things about their marriage and let go of the bad.  Although this can be a very attractive and tempting thought, it’s not completely realistic either.  And frankly, it’s the totality of your marriage that makes it what it is – and that includes the good with the bad. However, you can commit to learn from the negative so that something good comes out of the bad.

Starting Over In Your Marriage Really Means Seeing Your Spouse (And Your Situation) With Fresh, Appreciative, And Open Eyes While You Experience Rediscovery: To me, what “starting over” in your marriage should really mean is being willing to see each other and the marriage with an open rather than a closed mind.  It means setting things up and laying the foundation to rediscover what brought you together and made you fall in love in the first place.

It means trying to open your eyes and your heart to the person that you promised to love through thick and thin. It means putting all of the anger, fear, and negativity on the back burner while you place your focus on the positive and wonderful things that inspired your marriage in the first place.  Sometimes, when I explain this people tell me that this is not realistic or that asking someone to do this is like asking them to be in denial.

I don’t agree.  It really is just a shift in your focus.  And it’s agreeing to use the tools available to you to begin the healing process rather than continuing to engage in a process that has been tearing your marriage down.  It doesn’t require you to ignore or deny your problems, but it does encourage you to shift your focus from one that is holding onto those same problems before you can heal them.

The whole idea is to rebuild the connection, the intimacy, and the bond that initially drew you together.  Because once this happens and you feel as if you’re on the same side of the fight, then the rest falls into place without nearly as much effort.  It just makes the process easier and much more likely to be successful. Rather than seeing your spouse as your adversary who doesn’t understand you or who is trying to keep you from getting what you want, you see them as your partner who is working with you to help you both get what you want.

So, you are much more willing to make the concessions and the efforts that are going to ensure that you save that marriage because you now remember what you loved about this person and this marriage in the first place.

When I urged my husband to “start over in our marriage,” I didn’t completely understand what this meant and that attempt failed miserably.  It wasn’t until I fully understood the principles outlined above that I was able to really make any lasting and meaningful change.  And these changes made it possible for us to rediscover one another again so that we could eventually save our marriage. If it helps, you can read more about that rediscovery process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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