Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Because I’m so vocal about saving marriages, I’ve dialogued with a lot of women whose relationships haven’t yet reached the point of separation or divorce—but they can feel the distance growing. They know something’s off. And they want to stop the unraveling before it goes too far. And that strategy is exactly right. Taking action early—before things spiral into something harder to come back from—can save so much pain and regret down the road.

We don’t leave our health to chance. We wouldn’t leave our kids’ education to chance. We shouldn’t do that with our marriages either.

This article is going to offer wives in this situation simple, meaningful steps you can start today to begin turning things around—before you feel like the clock is ticking on your marriage.  Trust me. That’s a horrible feeling.

Start With Connection—Not Conflict: As humans, it’s natural to go to a place of self-preservation. So sometimes, we see what is wrong. We see the conflict. Not the connection. And we should be doing the opposite. It may seem counterintuitive, but don’t jump to the worst-case scenario. Don’t overreact. I know that sounds strange, especially when your heart is telling you there are problems that need to be fixed now. Especially when the sense of urgency you have might be causing you to panic. But trying to tackle heavy topics when there’s emotional distance between you is like trying to build a bridge over a crumbling foundation. It can’t be done. And the destruction will only come faster.

When the warmth, affection, and empathy have faded, bringing up problems often just leads to more defensiveness, more blame, and more distance. Don’t make this mistake.

Before you focus on what’s broken, focus on what used to be right – and what can be right again, if you play your cards right.

Reignite The “In Love” Feeling: Remember when you were first falling in love with your husband? The way you gazed lovingly and longingly at each other, the effort you both made, the excitement you had just to spend time together? That wasn’t accidental. That wasn’t just the universe’s gift to you. That was two people prioritizing the relationship and each other.

Unfortunately, though, reality isn’t conducive to our love lives. Life changes – kids, work, bills, and aging parents… these things all mean that we’re all stretched so thin it can be as if we’ll break.  And naturally, we drop a little attention on what we assume can withstand the neglect, from the person we love the most – our husband. We are good-intentioned with this. We aren’t malicious. But it causes damage just the same.

 You can begin to undo the damage the same way you inflicted it – with attention and intention. By giving him the same energy and sense of priority and playfulness you had when you were dating. But it’s not about recreating the past—it’s about being intentional with the time and opportunity you do have now. Even small efforts—like a kind word, a thoughtful gesture, or just really listening (because so few of us really do it today)—can begin to shift things. And just that small shift can eventually make a difference.

Always understand and never forget – men tend to fall in love with how they feel around a woman. If your husband once felt admired, understood, respected, and appreciated with you—he can feel that way again. You know how to make him feel special, because you’ve done it before. And believe me, he craves it. He misses it. He may not admit it, but he does.

You’re Not Starting From Scratch—You’ve Got the Inside Track: You’re not just any woman—you’re the one he chose. The one he married. That gives you a huge and unique advantage.

You know what makes him tick. You know what lights him up. And while you’ve both grown and changed, his need to feel loved and valued hasn’t. And neither has yours. That’s why when you begin to give him what he craves emotionally, something amazing happens: he starts giving back – sometimes eventually. You may need to be patient, and that’s okay.

A Truth That Shifted Everything For Me: I’ll be honest—there was a time when I felt incredibly resentful. I didn’t think it was fair that I had to be the one doing the work. If felt like he wasn’t lifting a finger and was angry and resentful all the time while I was walking on eggshells and doing all the work.

I shared this with a counselor once, and she looked at me, gently but firmly, and said something that stuck with me forever:“Would you rather be right… or would you rather be happy?”

That one question snapped me out of the mindset I’d been stuck in.

I realized I didn’t want to be alone, but righteous. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be happy. But more than that, I wanted to by loved by him. I wanted to be happy with him. And over time, as I took small but meaningful steps toward my husband—without keeping score. Eventually, as he saw that he could trust this, he started moving toward me, too.

How do I know all of this? Because I had to follow this process to get my own husband back. We were on the brink of destruction, and he wasn’t interested in doing much of anything (other than being unhappy.) But I learned how to use a little finesse and a little skill. And slowly but surely, I got everything back. You can read about that entire process at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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