Leslie Cane Articles

By Leslie Cane: If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you feel like you’re carrying your whole marriage on your back right now. And let me just say — I am sorry. I know how heavy and lonely that can feel. But I also know that you can turn this thing around if you play your cards right.

You’re probably doing everything you know how to do — giving more, being more patient, trying to “be the bigger person” — while it feels like your spouse has just checked out on you. You might be wondering if they even care anymore. Or if you’re crazy for still hoping that deep down, they actually do.

All of this wondering and walking on eggshells is exhausting and confusing And honestly? It can start to make you feel like you’re losing little pieces of yourself along the way. You start to question yourself. You start to feel “less than” or even incompetent.

But here’s the thing: You can absolutely try to save your marriage without losing who you are.
It just takes a different kind of strength — the quiet, steady kind that doesn’t come from chasing or forcing, but from staying rooted in yourself and staying with a consistent strategy.

Let’s talk about how to do that.

“Not Trying” Doesn’t Always Mean Your Husband Doesn’t Care Anymore: When you’re the one fighting and your spouse seems distant, it’s so easy to think, “They don’t even want this anymore. Why am I even bothering?”

But honestly?

A lot of husbands who seem like they’ve “given up” are actually just stuck. They’re overwhelmed, scared, ashamed, or just tired — and they don’t know how to show up in a way that feels safe – without feeling uncomfortable vulnerable.

Their distance doesn’t always mean they don’t love you. Sometimes it just means they don’t know how to fix what’s broken —  so they’re scared to even try. They’d rather not step up to the plate than strike out.

It’s not fair. But understanding his mindset can take a little bit of the sting out of this silence. It can remind you that all hope isn’t necessarily lost — even if it feels that way right now.

Know What Pushes Him Away: Here’s something I wish someone had told me:
You can’t carry two people’s worth of effort forever. And trying harder and harder — chasing, fixing, smoothing everything over — usually doesn’t pull your spouse back. It often pushes them farther away. The harder you push, the more pressure they feel. The more pressure they feel, the more likely they are to shut down even more.

I know it’s terrifying to stop pushing when you’re afraid the whole thing will fall apart. But sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is to just pause and wait. Watch and wait.  Create space where both of you can breathe a bit.
Say with your actions, “I’m here. I’m willing. But I’m not going to lose myself trying to convince you.”

That quiet steadiness? It’s way more powerful than pushing ever could be.

Set Some Boundaries To Safeguard Your Own Well-Being And Come From A Place Of Strength, Which He’s More Likely To Respect: Saving your marriage shouldn’t mean sacrificing your self-respect or your emotional health. (And yet, when you’re scared and hurting, it’s so easy to do.) Do not ignore your own needs, put up with disrespect when you know you shouldn’t, agree to things you know are wrong, degrade yourself trying to please, or pretend to be someone you aren’t.

Because here’s the truth: The best version of you — the one your marriage most needs right now — is the one who knows her worth. Not the one who begs or pleads or pretends everything’s fine when it’s not.

You can say, kindly but firmly: “I’m willing to work on this. But I also need honesty. I need respect. I need basic kindness.”

You’re not being difficult. You’re not being selfish. You’re setting the foundation for real healing — if your spouse is willing to meet you there.

And frankly, this confident, strong is person is probably much close to the woman he first fell in love with. And that’s a good thing.

Focus on What You Can Control.  Stand Strong And He’s More Likely To Notice What He Stands To Lose: This part is hard. It’s quite a bit of me to ask of you. Because of course you want your spouse to wake up, come back, fight for you, love you the way you need. Of course you do.

But the only part you can truly control is you. Your words. Your actions. Your emotional health.
That’s it. You can’t drag your husband to the finish line. You can’t trick or force him there. You can only stand steady and invite him to walk there with you.

When you stop chasing, when you start focusing on your own healing, something subtle but powerful shifts.
You stop handing him all the power over your happiness. And ironically, that’s often he  finally starts noticing what he’s about to lose.

Pay Attention To What You Really Need. Self Respect And Self Care Are Attractive: There’s a difference between being patient and slowly breaking yourself apart inside. If you find yourself feeling smaller, sadder, and lonelier by the day, it might be time to think about what you need — not just what the marriage needs. Self-respect is attractive. You deserve love that loves you back. You deserve to feel proud of how you showed up, whether the marriage heals or not. When you project that, he is more likely to pay attention.

If you’re the only one trying right now, I hope you hear this. You are incredibly strong. You are not crazy for hoping. You are not weak for wanting to fight for what matters. But you matter too. Your needs, wants, and wishes matter.  Fight for your marriage – with patience, not panic. Fight with strength, not self-sacrifice.

Give Yourself Credit: No matter what happens — you will come through this with your heart still intact. Because you didn’t give up on love. And you didn’t give up on yourself.

I know that I am asking much of you because I had to use these strategies myself – to save my own marriage when I was the only one who wanted to. It wasn’t easy. I doubted myself often. Sometimes I straight up failed. But I did it. I share how on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com