Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you’re reading this, you’re probably dealing with a not-too-pleasant time in your marriage. You might be facing separation, divorce, or a marital break. Fortunately, I believe (from my own experience) that there are some strategic things you can do to save your marriage from the brink of disaster. And I’ll discuss them below.

I can’t promise you it will be a quick fix (it likely won’t), and you will usually have to take one small strategic step at a time. But it is not impossible if you are mindful of the steps below:

Understanding Why People Fall Out of Love So You Can Fall Back into It:  People often believe that they fall out of love because, all of a sudden, the magic and elusive chemistry is forever gone. 

In truth, falling out of love most often happens due to straight-up neglect. Sometimes, you will see concrete symptoms of this neglect such as cheating or crisis. But in the end, the root cause is almost complacency.

Intense closeness thrives on time and attention – both of which are vital. If you doubt this, all you need to do is to think about the early days of your relationship.  

How much time did you spend making sure your now-spouse was only exposed to the best version of yourself? How much attention did you pour into him and into the relationship? What were the results of that? Chances are you felt deeply in love and understood because you were making this new, exciting relationship your top priority.

Even better, disagreements were quickly resolved because you didn’t want to waste precious time arguing. 

Trying to reach that point again should be your current goal because once you do, everything in your relationship becomes so much easier and effortless.

It is so important to understand this because returning the right type of attention to your marriage is the first step to turning things around. 

Truthfully Evaluating The Current State of Your Marriage: Think about the state of your life today. You are likely very busy. Your attention is likely focused on raising your family, meeting your many obligations, and making a living. You’re probably doing the very best you can, but you may feel scattered some of the time. That doesn’t make you a bad person. That simply makes you typical. 

But it also may mean that you can’t devote as much time as you might like to your husband and your marriage. As a result, though, your relationship (and the intimacy within your marriage) have likely suffered. 

And as life goes on, we all get tangled in responsibilities that demand all of our time and energy. And we start to believe that it’s unrealistic for someone in our situation to pour so much time or energy into one person or thing. 

How to Turn it Around: I’m not insinuating that you can or need to go back to your dating and pre-marriage stance and behavior. That isn’t realistic. No one can turn back time. 

But I am suggesting that if you change where you are placing at least some of your attention and energy, you may reap significant relationship rewards. 

It doesn’t always have to take tons of time and effort. Go for a walk after dinner. Rub your husband’s back when you are watching TV. Don’t rush him when you ask about his day, attentively listen, and then follow up with thoughtful questions. 

Becoming Attractive to Your Spouse Again: Some people feel helpless when facing separation, divorce, or a break because they are sure that they are no longer attractive to their spouse, so they can’t gain any ground because he just isn’t interested anymore.

I believe that you can get your husband attracted to you again because I’ve done it. But you have to be very mindful of what not to do every bit as much as you need to pay attention to what you should do. 

Try very hard to not rely upon unattractive behaviors such as desperation, guilting, shaming, begging, or manipulating. This will only make you seem less attractive.

Instead, try positive emotional strategies. Always ask yourself whether your actions will help or hinder your chances. I know this is a challenge because right now, you very much want and need reassurance and his attention. And it is tempting to do what you need to do to get it.

But the way to best get his attention is to showcase the qualities your husband first fell in love with. Define exactly what those qualities are. Was it your attentiveness, chemistry, open heart, or sense of humor? Try to display these characteristics regularly – even if you have to force yourself.

Of course, you don’t want to be overly obvious about it because you don’t want your husband to think you’re playing games. Subtlety is key. Be the kind of person he wants to invest in.

What if Your Husband is Not Interested in Reuniting?:  I can just hear readers thinking, “What if my husband won’t even take my calls or is incredibly angry with me? How in the world can I make any progress then?” 

Well, admittedly, if your husband seems unresponsive or appears to want to move on, the process will take longer, and you’ll need to take even smaller steps.

First, try to reach an agreement with him that neither of you will make rash decisions. Show him that you love him deeply, but also emphasize that you love yourself enough to take care of your own emotional well-being. Express your desire to work things out, but then give him a little space.

During this time, focus on nurturing yourself. Focus on your own joy and contentment. If your husband just happens to find out about your newfound happiness, it might pique his interest and give you an opening. If not, you might have to arrange a casual meeting over coffee, framed as tying up loose ends or moving forward. Keep things casual. And build as you are able.

Always know that getting back together is a process that requires patience and effort. By taking strategic baby steps, rediscovering intimacy isn’t impossible, and can feel natural to your husband. He needn’t know that you’re inching your way back, but YOU will know. And that is fair game.

As I alluded to, I was able to save my own marriage by turning my attention to the correct things and changing course when I was appealing to my husband’s negative emotions.  This shift meant we are still married today.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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