Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article, I know that there is one person in your marriage who is at least willing to consider reconciling. This is good news because I am living proof that repairing a marriage only takes one person who wants to, at least initially. This article is based on my personal experience and the extensive research that I conducted when trying to change my husband’s mind about his demands for separation or eventual divorce. How quickly or well these methods work will depend upon the state of your marriage today and how well you’re able to implement what I’m going to suggest. I believe that these tactics can sometimes work even in the direst of circumstances.

Reconciling A Marriage By Not Focusing On What’s Wrong: Here’s where I think most couples get it wrong and why I think many attempts at reconciliation fail. When someone mentions getting a break, separation, divorce or splitting up, people panic and become highly emotional. This can lead to behavior that isn’t typical or you or your spouse – behavior that can further contribute to distance between you.

And, these feelings of panic create a huge sense of urgency. People become scared and assume that the longer they are fighting or split from their husbands or wives, the harder it will be to reconcile. In response, spouses often feel that they need to talk about, analyze, or dissect their relationship to get to the heart of what is wrong so that they can fix it. Even couples who go to marriage counselors end up doing this same thing – picking apart the relationship to focus on what’s wrong so that it can be “fixed.”

What You Should Focus On Instead: If you want to reconcile your marriage, I firmly believe that you should first focus on mending negative feelings and creating positive ones before you try to dissect and work through any problems.  I completely understand and agree that eventually, you will need to address and fix the problems that are causing talks of splitting up. You must do this so that the same problems don’t keep coming up. But, you can not fix anything, (completely and long term), when feelings of empathy and affection are less than they should be or just not there right now.

An Exercise To Get Your Started Down The Road To Reconciliation: If you can, I want you to think back for a second when your relationship was new and you were dating. Think about how much time and effort you both probably put into the relationship and how that made you feel. You probably felt attractive, intelligent, competent, and secure. These are very powerful feelings and most of us would do anything we could and would move heaven and earth to hang on to these feelings and whoever elicits them.

Now, try to think back to your first fight with your husband or wife. I’d be willing to bet that it ended quickly because people deeply in love don’t want to spend their time disagreeing or fighting. Instead, they gloss over issues or bumps in the road very quickly because they don’t want anything interfering with their strong, pleasurable feelings.

Then, ask yourself when was the last time you felt these types of positive feelings. It’s okay if it’s been a while or too long.  Finally, brainstorm simple, low-pressure ways that you can generate similar feelings.  Note, that we’re talking small scale here.  You can’t expect your spouse to feel inseparable with you like you did when you were madly in love. But, is there something you can do today to make him feel that he’s on your side or that you understand him?  These are tiny steps that you can take to restore that intimacy.

How To Get The Initial Feelings Back (And Why You Must): As I hope you can see, it’s vital that you return feelings of affection and empathy before you try to reconcile or work through your problems.  If you can do this, your husband or wife is going to be much more willing to work through your problems, commit to the marriage, and you’ll likely reconcile much faster with a lot less drama. Again, people deeply in love don’t want to spend their time fighting and they are much more willing to work with you on making things better. Once the positive feelings return, everything else falls into place and becomes so much easier.

So, how can you get it back? Actually, you can probably already know the answer to this. Why? Because you know your husband or wife intimately and you know the qualities and traits about you that they first fell in love with. If they absolutely loved your sense of humor, how often are they laughing now? How often do they see this side of you? If what really turned them on was your open and giving heart, are you showing it to them on a regular basis today?

Why Some People Get Hung Up Or Stuck. Don’t Let This Happen To You: I find that many people are receptive to these techniques until they really begin thinking about the person their spouse first fell in love with and they then get stuck. They usually say something like, “But I’m not a beautiful young woman anymore,” or “I have kids, a job, and a home to care for. I just don’t have time to play these games.” Another thing I hear a lot is, “But my husband/wife won’t even talk to me or take my calls. The marriage is just too far gone.”

No one can completely turn back the clock and I don’t expect you to. But, here’s a secret that I firmly believe to be true. Being “in love” has as much to do about how you make the other person feel about themselves as they feel about you. Yes, themselves. What your husband or wife really wants back is the feeling that they are attractive, lovable, and worth putting time and effort into.

Mistresses or “the other woman” are usually masters at this. They often aren’t even prettier or smarter than the wife, but they know how to make the husband feel that he is the king of the world.

If you can harness these feelings in your own marriage, I can almost guarantee your husband or wife would move heaven and earth or jump through a million hoops to reconcile. So, get moving. You are in a better position than you think. You already are the person who your spouse fell in love with.  You just need to become reacquainted with him or her.

How do I know this? Because I lived it. I had to use this approach when I trying to save my marriage (and was the only one who wanted to). I made a lot of mistakes, but eventually, I was able to change course and regain my husband’s interest. Gradually, I was able to reestablish intimacy and reconcile the marriage. You can read that story by clicking here or visiting on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com